My wife always has problems with colleagues at work (see below). How can she deal with this?

Question

My wife is a lovely person (albeit with a strong personality), who has not had much success at all in working alongside colleagues who do not seem to want to help her integrate into the team. She feels that people are against her in the sense of rivalry, as she is both attractive AND intelligent, and from my point of view women tend to see this as a threat (as has also been said by other women the same as her). Due to this happening so many times in different jobs, she is now suffering from severe depression and panic attacks and cannot find a way out of the situation. She now feels that there is nowhere that she will be welcome and is in a very bad way. Any advice for her would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

I dont know if there is anything that will pick your wife up because your wife is the only one who can put this into perspective. I know exactly where she is coming from. I have always had wonderful work ethics. I am 52 and I can honestly say, there have only ever been two jobs where I felt worthwhile. My work ethics have never changed...I am an intelligent and fantastic worker...I come up with some great ideas...I take the initiative, and to put it into a sentence........I am threat to other people. Its their insecurities about themselves that cause them to criticise me....they want to look better than me.....and the only way that is going to happen is to pick me up on petty stupid things in an effort to downgrade me in an atempt to make themselves look better. The fact remains, they never look better, because they appear to be petty insecure people to other people around them. They may feel better about themselves, but they have actually made a fool of themselves in the eyes of others. I have been criticised so much that it is like water off a ducks back with me now. I have never been sacked, as a matter of fact I have been asked to do jobs that other people were incable of doing. But if I believed the criticisms of people then I would be a basket case. Your wife needs to have faith in herself....she has to believe that she is a good worker and its not her work ethics that are causing the problem...it is the insecure people around her who find an attractive, intelligent woman a threat. Its very hard to hang onto good work ethics when you are continually being criticised and put down. Your wife has to get up, dust herself off and stay strong. She has to be strong and she has to show that these stupid people who have criticised her have done so, not because of anything she has done or not done, but because of these other peoples insecurities. If these people knew your wife was depressed then they would be happy because they have achieved what they set out to do...they set out to make your wife doubt herself, and that is exactly what has happened...so they have won. All I can say if for her to keep on getting up....tell herself," to hell with those other insecure people, I am just going to do my job to the best of my ability, and not talk to anyone I dont want to" I choose who I associate with within work. I will not speak to the insecure nasty people. I will speak my mind, and if your wife is as intelligent as you are saying, then she will have her own way of putting her words together to make a person look stupid. She cant let the bastards get her down....she has done nothing wrong. She needs to get angry, not depressed...its wrong what they are doing to her, but believe me, it happens everywhere and if you look like you could do a better job than someone else then you will always run the risk of being criticised. You just have to remain strong and shrug it off every time it happens. She needs to have a bit more faith in her abilities. I know I do a good job, your wife needs to start believing in herself again. Just get out there and do it and keep on doing it until the people around her get the hint that your wife will not be put off by anything another person says. If she keeps on reacting to criticicisms by getting depressed, then these people are achieving everything they are setting out to do. Dont let these horrible people win......show them who the better person is.

Answer 2

Let me get this straight. Your wife's been in the position "so many times in different jobs" of being unable to work in a team, and you think the problem lies with each and every one of those teams?

She needs to stop playing the victim and take a look at why it is that this keeps happening wherever she goes. Like it or not, the catalyst in these situations is her presence - presumably everyone else manages to integrate into and work within the team in question, regardless of their relative level of attractiveness and intelligence.

Frankly, it's not THAT uncommon for a woman to be both attractive and intelligent. You make it sound like she's a rarity. I know loads of women at work who are both. Only the ones who have characteristics such as arrogance and bitchiness are unpopular.

It sounds to me like both you and your wife are lacking in insight. There is clearly something about the way she is behaving in her work environment which makes her disliked wherever she goes, and until she stops blaming everyone else and actually tries to do something about it then it's going to keep happening.

It means she has to change, and I think this means counselling. She needs to see someone who will be able to talk her through all this - maybe with some roleplay, so that she and her counsellor can identify what it is she does that alienates people and work on some alternative behaviours to replace the unproductive ones. Or sometimes seeing a video of how you act can help you to realise how you come across to other people.

If she's resistant to change on principle because she feels she shouldn't have to, well, stick your head back in the sand and keep telling each other that it's the rest of the world that's got the problem and needs to change. But don't hold your breath, because the world's got no reason to change - it's your wife who is suffering from the current status quo, not anyone else. Rightly or wrongly, if she doesn't change her behaviour then she will continue to get the same reactions from people and she will get more and more depressed.

I know you won't like this response, but you have plenty of others to choose from - people who are only too happy to assure you from their own similar experiences that life's unfair and "other people" are unreasonable and unkind. Heh, maybe I'm just jealous and threatened by your wife's superior beauty and brains!

Answer 3

Until I saw Snakey B's answer, I was starting to get a little pukey. The reality is that people are social animals, and there are written and unwritten rules we play by. Apparently little miss hasn't learned the social cues and is oblivious to which specific characteristics are causing this unwanted behaviour from her colleagues. By now it may be too late. Some people who don't learn the social rules will either continue to suffer and use one of the deadly six methods of defence i.e. repression, regression, displacement, denial, projection and sublimation to account for the actions of others. Look em' up and have a little talky. Another thing to think about, and I have been teaching for awhile, is that when things are not going a certain way, the first thing people do is point the finger. When I see the finger pointing my way, I remind the person that they have three fingers back at them i.e. 75% lies with them. Good luck dude.

Answer 4

What a horrid situation to be in - yes you will always get places where women are jealous of someone who is both beautiful & bright & always feel threatened. I used to come home in tears and depressed in my current job (I am still there with a hell of a lot of persevearance), I am a Stock Controller where the storemen/factory workers (300+) used slag me off all of the time because of my decisions which were more often than not right but I have blond hair, blues eyes & other features obvious features which everyone used to presume is that's how I used to get through a day at work & hurts. Ohh how wrong they were, I'm nott the brightest button in the box but not completely stupid and do use my common sense. I have been in that job now since early 2004 and fought my way there and now I just completely ignore them and get on with my own job. Please tell her to try and be strong she WILL get through it if she believes in herself. Good luck - she can do it.

Answer 5

My partner is exactly the same and people just do not like strong willed people. I have told him that sometimes he just needs to go with the flow and keep his opinions to himself but by doing that he is not being himself. As for your wife why should she conform to what her colleagues want her to be. If she has suffered in most of her jobs then perhaps (like I suggested to my partner) she looks at becoming her own boss. If is unfair especially as it is making her unwell just keep reminding her that she is doing nothing wrong and unfortunately there are jealous women out there who feel threatened by someone who is attractive and intelligent.

Answer 6

im in a similar situation, although i think i need to stick up for myself a little more. its interesting to know that strong-willed women can get into similar situations. i dont know the answer, its hard. especially if her personality has changed as a result. maybe its her profession? i work in sales and there is a huge rivalvry between my colleagues and I, and its always jokey jokey but i feel like climbing over them to get to customers sometimes they are so full of it. her skills and personaility would be much more appreciated to a managerial role, or for a smaller company without bitchy women to contend with. its a shame shes feeling depressed, and its hard to get out of this rut, but she needs to remain strong, remember there is more to life than work, and realise there are people out there who appreciate all the things about her that others are threatened by. she will get through this! xx

Answer 7

I understand what she went through because I did experience that from the past. You can tell your wife to quit the job and work for herself because being an employee sometimes is not for everybody. I'm self-employed and I enjoy it very much away from people who are jealous and envious about my capability to take away the job from them. Your wife could probably good in being an entrepreneur, you'll never know not until she try it.

Answer 8

As this has happened before in other jobs, it would seem that your wife needs professional help to find out what's going on. Try someone like a counsellor, counselling psychologist, analytical hypnotherapist or psychotherapist who will be able to give the help she needs and focus on solutions. The Yellow Pages can help as can websites of various organisations (names in YP).
Don't worry - this can be sorted out.

Answer 9

well as long as she is not stuck up, some women are very clicky, but they are no better, probably jealous cos she is strong minded and is more mature than them. She should ignore them and get on with her job and only mix with people who are nice and sod the rest.

Answer 10

First, I am sorry to hear about your wife's ordeal. Do not discount her feelings and/or depression, it is VERY real.
Second, both of you should seek some professional counseling, (now) to help her put matters in the proper perspective and deal with co-worker properly.