We have been married for almost 3 and a half years now. We have had some serious problems in the past(no one has cheated), yet have managed to stay together despite that. He is in the military and is gone quite a bit. We argue ALL the time, and seems to have a great deal of anger and resentment towards one another. He has mentioned divorce many times, yet after we both calm down he apologizes and says he did not mean it. It still hurts me though, and we almost did seperate once last year. I had been married before I married my husband, and he made a really hurtful comment to me the other day about why he thought my "other" marriage ended. We frequently talk rudely to one another when we are arguing. He curses and I yell. We both know that the other person hates this! We are NOT young. I am 34 and he is 28. It just seems like we have no patience for one another. I know the seperations don't help with the military, but I am just at a complete loss here as to what to think or do!
2007-02-11 04:51:27 · 17 answers · asked by Dolphin73 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
When we almost seperated, I made the MISTAKE of telling my Mom we were thinking about divorce. She encouraged me to work it out and stay, so I did. I am from the West Coast and he is from the East Coast. I moved here and said I would give it a chance. With that, he did say that if I was not happy, he would at least consider moving somewhere else. Well, now he has gone back on that and said he will not live anywhere else. We have no children. I miss my family so much, and want to live in the town I grew up in after being away for 16 years, yet he understandably does not want to live far from his family either. I suggested we live in the "middle" and that was shot down as well. I really am trying to work this out!
2007-02-11 04:54:37 · update #1
My husband is in the military also and we have all of the problems you have talked about except Im from Texas and he's from Georgia so it isn't as far of a difference as you. That problem we solved by agreeing that when he gets out he will just send out resumes and we will go to wherever the best job is, and that he can not just send them out to only areas he wants. I had to agree that if the best offer did come from the area he wanted I cant complain and have to at least try and the same goes for him. With the fighting and resentment, we have been married for 5 years and have spent over half of it seperated because of the military so there has been lots of resentment for us both. We fight and yell and cuss too, but this past year we have come along ways. We both decided that the word "divorce" was no longer allowed in our vocabulary and the cussing and name calling and put downs were going to stop. I know its easier said then done, there were slip ups but we got them under control. My husband has been married before and I did the thing your husband did to you and told him why I thought it didn't last, big mistake. I only did it because he made me mad and hurt my feelings, childish I know. The big thing that helped save our marriage was starting church. When we started going to church we started seeing more of our own faults and not just the other ones faults, and we started being better and putting ourselves in the other ones shoes and trying to see how they feel. This didn't stop the fights, it did lessen them though and it made them more of civil arguments rather then yelling fights. We aren't fanatics about religion either, we go on Sundays and Wed. when we can and to activities that go on if we feel like it. We just know that when we brought God into our lives we became better people, especially to each other. The resentments were finally worked out and let go. We became more willing to compromise with each other too. We both made up our minds that we wanted this to work and that we were going to treat each other with more respect. You two have made it this far, don't give up. If we can make it and work things out and be happy anyone can, if it is what you are both wanting and you both will work at it. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in what you are going through in your marriage, in fact most military couples I know go through this, and I wanted to share what helped us change our problems and fix our marriage.
2007-02-11 05:20:51 · answer #1 · answered by HereIAm 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first what you need to do is to make a list of your needs, what do you want to do?, where are you going? men never change, he will be exactly the same or worse. If he had talked about divorce is because he has thought about it before, next time he talk about divorce you just agree, challenge his decisions, they are nor so easy. Life is so short , just balance the time your husband makes you happy with the other time you are unhappy and lonely.
2007-02-11 13:05:40 · answer #2 · answered by marisa e 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both need to talk to each other , find out the problems.reasons why he feels the way he does and why he wants a divorce, why he even says he does then says he doesn't. I think he is under a lot of pressure being in the service and being gone a lot from you.
He is not being fair to you, you are under pressure too.
talk. be open and honest. ask what he really wants to do and if he wants the relationship or not.
2007-02-11 12:58:23 · answer #3 · answered by StarShine G 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have so many differences you need to realy sit down and talk if that also turns into a fight maybe a trial seperation is the right thing you are both obviously unhappy and with no kid realy no ties if you went back to your old town maybe he wolud see how much he realy cares or misses you well hope that helps good luck
2007-02-11 13:00:14 · answer #4 · answered by brighterthanyou 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I agree with your mom here. Seek help and counseling for you and for your marriage. You need to stop fighting with him. See if he is wanting to work on the marriage at all. Tell him you are ready to go to marriage counseling with him and that you want try to work on the marriage. Do not give up just yet.
2007-02-11 13:23:44 · answer #5 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds like you are dealing with a severe long distant relationship problem.
communication, communication, communication, communication, communication, communication. THAT IS KEY.
Yelling only flares emotion. Emotion clouds judgement. When your judgement is clouded then you make DUMB comments and decisions.
Take a breath when you get angry, count to 10, think. Then talk. Dont act in the moment. That's when those comments of divorce come up. Just chill yo.
You should take my commuinication skills class I run. It talks about properly conveying messages using 'I" language and reduction of critical statements to one another.
Wish you both the best of luck
2007-02-11 12:58:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Go back where you were born, and raised. If he truly loves you, and wants the marriage to work, he will come there when he can(military obligations now). I personally do not see any hope for your marriage, but if you're not going to be together, at least be where YOU want to be!
2007-02-11 12:59:50 · answer #7 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Bad situation, but it sounds a lot like my first marriage did toward the end. It doesn't sound like you have a lot to work with. Have you tried couples counseling?
Honestly, do you really want it to work out, or do you think you'd be better in the long run if you wen't your own way?
2007-02-11 12:56:28 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your mom doesn't live with him.
I say whatever he "bursts out" during the fights is what is really on his mind. It's like women sleeping with guys when they are 'drunk' - they have something to blame it on.
Divorce him. What's the point in wasting your life arguing?
2007-02-11 14:13:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps some professional assistance would help you both get to the bottom of your anger towards each other....
And secondly help to show you both fair fighting rules.
Perhaps if you had to concentrate on such, you would both be kinder to each other........and be able to compromise FOR each other.
2007-02-11 13:03:42 · answer #10 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋