Why did he say this to me?

Question

We have been together four years and engaged since Sept 06. Our sex life has dwindled and the longest we have gone without it is four months. I feel hurt when he turns me down and stopped asking and hinting a long time ago. Last night he asked me how I was feeling and why I was so angry all the time and I told him I feel unattractive and fat and not sexy and he turned to me and said that I make it too easy for him. I thought that when you were in a relationship you were supposed to be sexually free together. We have no ties, no children together so only have to think of ourselves but all he thinks about is the stress of paying the bills and mortgage. Was he right to say this to me because now he has hurt my feelings and I don't know how to react to him. I dare not touch him just in case he thinks I am trying it on. What do I do?

Answer 1

I understand how you feel and after 4 years the passion does die down but to a different level. If any relationship is going to last then both parties need to work at it. People can't expect to just carry on in a relationship if you have given up on trying - I would expect it to be like that after 40 years of marriage. I have been with my partner for 6 years and the reason the relationship stays fresh is that we are both prepared to work at it and make an effort.
I think he could have been a bit more tactful but to be honest I would rather be with someone who is truthful and open rather than keeping quiet for arguments sake. It is all too easy to let the daily day to day business get in the way of relationships but if you love that person then you have to be prepared to compromise and make sacrifices. Why not get yourself dressed up one weekend and have a night out with your b/f and let him see you and you him how you both were when you first got together - it does take effort but it will be worth it when you both remember how things used to be.

Answer 2

Dear friend ..this bf of urs is probably seeing someone or else he is going through a very bad time emotionally....4 months without sex is not unusual...but in a case where there r only two persons concerned..there is some serious problem...in a relationship the thing is not only u should be sexually free ,but also u should be brave enough to always speak ur mind to each other...the best solution is u both sit down and talk for sometime to know what is bothering both of u....and about touching him ...if u feel like giving him a hug go ahead and do it...maybe he needs it...mopre than u know

Answer 3

Financial matters can have a serious if not detrimental effect on a relationship. If the bills are piling up or if you are behind, then things are probably going to get worse. There are no easy answers to your problem here, but you might try just sitting down and talking with him. Communication is also another big part of any relationship, if you cannot communicate or deal with financial matters then you are going to have some serious problems ahead. Most likely if he is stressing about financial matters he and he isn't talking to you about them then sex is going to be one of the last things he is interested in simply because his mind is somewhere else. This doesn't mean that he does love you or want you anymore it just means he is trying to cope with bigger issues than your sex life. Good Luck

Answer 4

I think your relationship is following a downhill trend that it will not recover from. You aren't married and you've already gone 4 months without sex? That is ludicrous. Is he using sex as power over you? What is his deal?

Look, when it comes to the bedroom you should feel free to do as you wish. While everyone needs a breather or few nights without because of exhaustion, stress or whatever, but as a regular diet, this is just wrong.

It is pitiful to hear you say that you dare not touch the man you are planning to marry.

I'd say its time to break things off and start over. He sounds like some kind of strange control freak to me, and I think it will get worse after the marriage. Run for the hills. Good luck.

Answer 5

I am sorry that you are going through some pain in this relationship. I believe that you both could benefit from couples' counselling and certainly should not embark on anything more permanent until some very important issues are resolved between you.
Your needs are not being fulfilled. Perhaps it is the stress of all of the practicalities of living together; paying bills and all of the other countless unglamorous issues that crop up from day to day in surviving and running a household. But, something is badly missing. You need more balance in your lives and attention to your relationship as a couple. Please get help and good luck.

Answer 6

He's in need of some therapy. You are exactly right, you should both mutually want each other or give when one wants reciprocally. If you don't go to therapy before him, maybe it will help you uncover some deeper issues. Not just "you make it to easy for him" is unacceptable. I have been in two relationships like this. One ended in divorce, the other both of us went to our own therapists and began working on issues with each other, bonding, researching articles about our feelings, and writing a book together which has been easier for him to communicate because he is very shy. So, far so good.

Answer 7

Based on what you stated, it seems that the both of you has fallen into "The Rut" of the relationship. Being together is not the joy ride of what it supposed to be. Reality has set in and bill paying, how yourselves as a couple has changed, etc. has set in. Relationships are work in progress every day. Once one or both of you stops working at it, it may be time to seek advice from a social worker or professional.

Answer 8

A saying comes to mind.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
He obviousy likes the chase more than the reward once he has caught you. Also, the day to day stress of being part of a couple seems to be getting to him.
I think you need to get away together for a short break to speak about your problems & decide if you have a future together or if it is now time to call it a day.

Answer 9

Four months - and your not even married yet! That is not normal, I don't even know any long term couples who go 4 months! You make it "too easy for him"? What is that supposed to mean, are you supposed to torture him or make him dodge bullets for sex? Most engaged couples and newlyweds touch each other w/out fear it will offend their mate. I think this relationship is on its way out, you could try counseling but I would bet there is more going on w him then you are aware of.

Answer 10

What he said to you was unacceptable. Very hurtful , and mentally abusive. I would not let him get away with that one. who does he think he is? Id say this is a clue to what kind of a man you have. He is having doubts about your relationship. What the hell does he mean you make it too easy? You are behaving exactly like a mans dream. He is a jerk. I think he is cheating. Better check it out. Do not accept his behavior and tell him that he makes it "too easy" for you to rethink the relationship, and you think you better take your "Love" away from him. Hes an ***.