After almost 9 years of marriage, I started an emotional affair with another man, a mutual friend of ours. No sex, but pretty emotional. My husband found out and now won't speak to me, took my wedding ring, and says he can't trust anything I say. I don't blame him. What can I do to earn his trust back? I want nothing more than to be a family with him and our 3 kids. I honestly can't even tell him why, other than I liked the attention that I wasn't getting at home. He cheated on me 4 years ago and I forgave him. (not that what I did was justified by this) Now he says he doesn't even know if he wants to stay married to me. I know if there's hope, it takes a long time. What can I do to convince him that he's the only man I want to spend the rest of my life with? I do love him more than anything! Thanks for your help.
2007-02-11 03:04:49 · 12 answers · asked by broken 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tell him your sorry. Unfortunately an emotional affair is just as serious as a physical one. It's a long hard process to build trust and what took years to establish can be destroyed by one bad decision. My advice to you is not to pressure him think back to how you felt when he cheated on you. He is going through the same things you were. communication is what will get you through this tell him what you told us. It may not be a bad idea to go for marriage counseling. You have both been hurt by each other be open and honest. Also he may be looking for a way out of the relationship. Be prepared and make sure you watch your backside.
2007-02-11 03:25:09 · answer #1 · answered by kmfdmiah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yours is a messy situation, isn't it.... he betrayed you with an affair, and you then go off and become somewhat emotionally involved with someone else 4 years later... oh, good (and by the way, no, you never did forgive him, hon.)
I don't answer a ton of these, but it looks like you could use some help in what has happened here.
Marriage is admiration, respect, passion and trust, (the four biggies) with a whole lot of lovies, kindnesses, thinking of the other before yourself, solving problems without rage and resentment, and sometimes just shutting the hell up... With betrayal, the trust is in the toilet, and the respect and admiration are there too.... you and he never really dealt with this.
Now, 4 years latter you got yourself emotionally involved with someone else, and he pretty much figured your head is where his was when he was cheating on you, and he finds that unacceptable... So, your marriage, in effect, isn't a marriage --- it is a roommate situation with boinking buddy privledges.
Your communication skills -- his as well-- are lacking, and some of these idiots on this site will tell you" sit down and talk to him"... yeayea, sure. Good luck.... getting issues on the table without punching someone's buttons, and it all becoming accusatory, is tuff, if you have had no training. And part of what makes a marriage work is learning to solve those problems without rage and without resentment...... What should you do now?
Spend a few sessions in counseling to find out why each of you found it necessary to stray... the counselor will be sure to play referee so that neither of you accuse the other of something you cannot take back..... And help you with exercises that will again form your bond.... Best money you will ever spend.
Good luck, hon...
2007-02-11 05:58:24 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He's probably going over in his mind all the things he did and said four years ago when he cheated. He probably doesn't truly understand why you did it and what was involved. It's very different for a woman to stray because her emotional needs were not being met than for a man to stray because his physical needs weren't being met. That's not to say either is right. If you can get a hold of the book Every Woman's Battle, it would be good for you to have him read it. It expresses things you have have a difficult time explaining. Good luck.
2007-02-11 03:10:13 · answer #3 · answered by VNCGirl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You probably need to convince yourself first that he is the only man you want to be with which it seems you are confused about or you wouldn't have been involved with the other guy. He may not want to give you the attention you crave since you had an emotional affair. I wouldn't doubt that he comes home from work early one day to check up on you.
2007-02-11 03:50:09 · answer #4 · answered by breeze1 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Dear Broken,
Did you apologize to him? Your actions speak louder than words. You need to sit down, just you and him and assure him you only had the affair due to the attention you weren't getting at home. If he doesn't want to be with you anymore then you have to give it time to truly know that. Only time and communication will get you through this but with him not talking I'm not real sure. If you love him you keep trying to show him it was a mistake. Good Luck!
2007-02-11 03:46:28 · answer #5 · answered by beamer 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He's been hurt and left feeling insecure. Paybacks are hell.
Both of you have messed up but those 3 kids haven't done anything. I'm sure they need Mommy and Daddy in their lives to grow and be beautiful people. Work together as a team and get through this by actions (not so much words). It's too easy to stir the pot and have things get out of hand if you try to discuss these
mistakes.
You know how, just do it!!
2007-02-11 03:20:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
this is going to be tough. He cheated on you, you almost cheated on him. I believe both of you have a lot to work on, communication, understanding, you need to get back to the beginning, when it was you and him. Somewhere along the way you both lost each other. Its not hard, 3 kids, work, life, etc. You are hurt still because he cheated, you can forgive but will you forget? Probably not, and while you don't think what you did had anything to do with what he did, it had everything to do with that. I think you both need counseling, serious marriage counseling. There are no guarantees but you both will have to work very hard, for your kids and yourselves
2007-02-11 03:17:00 · answer #7 · answered by Cute Stuff 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Marriage Counseling !!!!! Sounds like both of you need to get a bit of help in that department. He cheated both in the physical and emotional sense and you cheated in the emotional sense and he feels justified in wanting to call it quits? Maybe you should remind him of his transgression and the fact that you forgave him of it. That might make him think a little, but I would say both of you need to seek counseling if you both feel that your marriage is worth saving. Good Luck
2007-02-11 03:13:27 · answer #8 · answered by truckerman96 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your children deserve a father and they should be the most important CAREER you have. Their future depends on your actions. Seek out counseling for yourself, read Divorce Busting by Michele Davis, and try to discover what it is you are seeking from others and try to give that to yourself. When we feel good about ourself we do not need other people to make us happy. It come about because we are giving and caring about other people. The only person you can control is yourself. Once you accept this then you can become whole.
2007-02-11 03:24:18 · answer #9 · answered by GailB 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
just talk to him one on one, face to face and heart to heart. tell him about everything inside ur heart, explain everything to him why u can do that. just be honest to urself and be honest to ur husband and that is the time that u will listen to ur husband decission and respect that. but try ur best to convince him to save ur family. and tell him that forget that chapter in ur life and open another chapter with ur life together with ur husband.
2007-02-11 03:33:52 · answer #10 · answered by ladyjoyax 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋