Should it always be an excuse??

Question

This has a lot to do with my previous question..my husband had a very abusive childhood and I have always been very understanding and supportive (giving a LOT of le-way when he has said some cruel things to me during arguments) .I know he has difficulty expressing himself and showing his feelings .But he very rarely cuddles me or the kids and thinks me wanting to spend time with him as complaining and nagging.He works really hard for us all ,long hours and overtime I dont realy want him to do.He thinks he s doing the right thing and I have told him I am not a materialistic person and want him not the money .He always takes what I say as an attack and says really hurtful things back..ie he is working wed night ,I am going into hospital on thurs..I want him at home but he says I should stop feeling sorry for my self!how much more can I take? I am really trying to be understanding .We have been married for 11 years together 14 .My childhood wasnt great but i dont use it 2 b meen.

Answer 1

Being an abused child makes a hell of a difference....He has had no positive role-models in his life when he most needed them, so he really does not know how to be in a loving relationship...he was never shown. All he was shown as a child is how to be "hated". He has no idea about what is needed to make a relationship grow....that is not his fault...nor is it yours. What he needs to do is to get professional help which will allow him to deal with the ghosts of his past. Until he can get past the abused child within him, your relationship will never change. He needs to take responsibility for getting this help. He has to acknowledge that his abusive childhood needs to be addressed. Do not feel guilty....he is an adult now and he cannot keep on blaming his abusive past. You cannot live like this...you have needs too. He is not right....how could he be right? He never grew up in an atmosphere of love, so how would he know how to act. He cannot say you are wrong. He cannot say you shouldnt feel sorry for yourself when you need his support. It is only natural for a woman to need the support and love of her husband. This is not just about him, its about your needs too, and he is trivialising them. Yes, his abusive past would have to have an impact on his ability to be in a loving relationship....he needs to acknowledge this, then get some professional help. You cannot be blamed for wanting what a normal wife needs. He has a problem, and it needs addressing. Until it is dealt with, then he will never learn any other way to be in a relationship. He is hurting you every day with his words and his lack of support. You cannot go on this way for too much longer, and he will find, if he doesnt wake up to himself, you will leave. A person can only put up with unacceptable behaviour for so long before they react. Before that happens, he needs to take responsibility for the way he is treating you and get some help before its too late.

Answer 2

No it's not an excuse nor does it make it right for your husband to be that way. You have to understand one thing here, someone who has been abused as a child tends to retain what they went through for the rest of their lives. His behavior and his reactions are most likely instilled in him because of what he went through. Maybe you should take a step back and evaluate how you approach him and what you say to him that sets him off. Most individuals that have been abused tend to be abusive themselves in some form or another. In his way of thinking, working overtime and going that extra mile is his way of being a good father and a husband. I would be willing to bet that if he is not overly affectionate towards you or your children that he did not receive much of it himself as a child. That would explain why he is that way with your family. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it just means he has a different idea or way of showing it. I am sure that your husband doesn't feel that you are materialistic, he just wants to provide things for you that he most likely didn't have for himself as a child. I recommend that you read some self-help books so that you better understand your husband and his way of thinking and dealing with things and you may just find a way to cope with him and make things better for all of you. One book I suggest is "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. While this book does not delve into the how an abused person thinks it does explain the differences in they way men and women think, feel, and understand things. It can be very insightful when learning to understand your other half. Good Luck

Answer 3

Firstly it is not your job to "fix" him,we are all responsible for our own happiness,if he doesn't register that he has a problem and accept it and seek professional help on his own terms, then HE doesn't have a problem,its who he is and you can't change that.The more you try to "help" him see how he should act (in your eyes) the more he will resist.It's hard i know to let go but you have to start looking after your own well being,and too back off.It may also give him space to think about the way hes been reacting to you and do something about changing his behavior if that's what he wants.A useful book to read is "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, you may find your own story in there and ways of coping with your situation and an understanding of both your behaviors. I hope you buy a copy of the book I'm sure you will find some useful information in it .

Answer 4

I was in a marriage that I knew things wasn't right, too. Just like yours it wasn't so bad that I would of ended it- especially with all those years together and more importantly the children. I was always sad though (husband wanted to be at the bar with good time buddies-instead of with his family). After 11 years I asked God to help because I just couldn't live like this anymore, and couldn't make the first move to do something about it. I prayed for God to take me out this sad life I was living. It worked. It wasn't that long of wait either. A few weeks later my husband came home one night and said it's over and he has met someone else. Ya, I was devastated for a while. I'm feeling so much better now. God didn't just end that misery for me alone,too. He sent me a new husband(that I wasn't even looking for!) He comes every night and wants to be with us more than anyone. Just try it. I wasn't even serius when I said it and look what happened.

Answer 5

He only has a problem expressing his self when its love? But he has no problem cussing you out and saying cruel things. You give him allot of le-way. You need to stop on that. You are enabling him by making excuses for him. You need to tell him that you have had it , and that if he doesn't stop it is ending your relationship.,marriage. He is mentally abusing you and you are letting him. Sometimes that is worse than anything. You tell him you can't live in a home showing your kids that no love and affection just mean verbal abuse, is OK. Its not and you don't want your kids to be like him do you?

Answer 6

Yes Im with you on this one.. I think your husband has some unresolved feelings about his tragedies and now he is taking it out on you and the family.. I think he should get some counseling but to tell you the truth he might not be willing to accept he has a problem and refuse to go... so as sad as it is this is up to you, on wheter you want to be with a man like that for the rest of your life or just move on.. if he doesnt get any counseling he is not going to change.. if you stay you have to endure his treatment or you can leave and be happy elsewhere.... good luck.

Answer 7

he sounds like he has a tremendous amount of repressed memories.

He really needs to see a therapist to get it all out. Alot of that can come back to haunt a person. You really need to sit down with him though and lay out a good framework of rules in your relatinoship. He probably feels very scared and lonely. Not uncommon for people with abuse issues. but thats still not an excuse for his behavior. He is overcompensaing his shortcomings as a husband and father by working so hard and being money oriented.

It will take time. As a counselor myself I'd recommend therapy and couples therapy. Make him work out his problems or they'll get worse.

Answer 8

Until he deals with is abuse he is never going to change, in my experience it will only get worse. The bad thing about it is your children are paying the price and if you don't stop it the cycle will continue in their relationships. Ask him to speak with someone, maybe you could do it together if that would make him feel better. Tell him you understand what he must be going through but for the sake of the children he really needs to work on changing his habits and his verbal abuse. You may think the children don't hear it but they hear EVERYTHING. Good Luck

Answer 9

Yes and no. He says mean things but he (in his eyes) is making up for it with the long hours. My fiance is very similar in his thinking, and although I would love to have him here with me more often, he is showing his love in a different way by bringing home as much money as he can so that our family might not know how it feels to go without. Unfortunately, what he forgets is that the family will know what it feels like to go without a father figure if he keeps this up. My best advice to you is couples counsling.. It works wonders.

Answer 10

Those who have been abused know no other way. They think what they went through is either normal or just part of life. It is not an excuse to verbally abuse you. The key is making him aware of his actions and making responsible. You need to set your boundries prehaps by saying " you are not to talk to me that way, stay inother room till we can discuss this with out the abuse" It is your right to protect yourself and set an example for your children. If they continue to se this behavior they will think it's ok. If he cant respect this then maybe some marriage counseling. Try for a man, simply because most men will feel attacked sitting in a room with two women. All he hear is "it's your fault" with a man that is less likely to happen.