Im so Confused and i need any help that you can offer me. Im worrying about this problem over and over and cant come to any rational answer.
Ive been going out with my boyfriend for about 5 months now and up unitl 2 months ago everything was OUT OF THIS WORLD....Honestly It was fantastic. I could see my future with him stretching into the distance.
One day out of the blue a thought entered my head - what if I dont love him - What if it is all my imagination and I am convincing myself of this.
Since then, which was 2 months ago I cant get the thoughts out of my head, they worry me from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. They worry me when I am at work and even somtimes (rarely) When I am with my boyfriend. When I hug him and kiss him, in the back of my mind a voice is asking me if what im doing is fair on him because what if deep down inside I Dont love him? I still enjoy having sex with him and enjoy making him dinners, spending nights at home alone but the smallest things are driving me crazy!This is my first non dramatic relationship where I actually trust the guy could this be why maybe cause it is so unfamiliar? Althought the smallest things about him are driving me crazy. From the way he yawns to the way he says "I love you" - Cold this be cause my mind is analyzing everything right now?
I have explained this to my bf and he is being very supportive. I still enjoy spending time with him and enjoy goign on weekend getaways with him but prefer to just me him and I and no one else we know.
How can I beat this cycle of worry and try to work it out if I really do love him? I keep telling myself that I wouldnt be so hurt and worries at the thought of losing him if I didnt love him, but that doesnt seem to have an effect on my mental state.
Any suggestions? My GP put me on an anti-anxiety pill and that is helping a bit, but I started taking it 2 months ago so I'm sure I have the full effect...thanks!
2007-02-11 00:48:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
NOW, you've had several interpretations of your "mental state", let me try to put it into perspective for you.
At this point, you think you "should" be in love with him, after being together 5 months. He obviously loves you, as you said. You most likely don't have the "same" feelings in return, at this point of the relationship...and that's okay! Don't dwell on the subject with him, and certainly don't worry about the fact either. All I see is that you need more time to "catch up" to his feelings. It should level off in time....even if it takes a year or so. You enjoy being with him, then just let it be at that. Continue the way things are going....and love GROWS. It doesn't magically happen within a few months. Trust me, I'm 47, and now married for the 2nd time. Go about your daily routines, don't try to make things happen you aren't ready for, and you will be just fine. {{{hugs}}}
2007-02-11 02:40:27 · answer #1 · answered by LARGE MARGE 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are spending too much time analysing things, instead of just "being". Having said this, your thoughts in themselves, are not particularly unusual. When we consider spending the rest of our lives with someone, it is normal to start being more observant about the small details, which are the bits of everyday life, which can become irritating. You are still working these things out. What you need to separate in your mind is the consideration of whether you could live with your boyfriend, and the consideration of whether or not you love him. I mean, it is possible to love someone that one could not possibly live with, because their lifestyle habits are incompatible. That doesn't sound the case here though.
What is worrying you exactly? You seem to say it's the thought of not being fair on him. Know one thing. You are not responsible for his decision to love or not love you. We all enter into relationships, and have the right to take our time, and to decide later if we wish that that person is not for us. While the other person, particularly if they don't feel the same way, and still love you, may experience some pain, that is part of the process, and the risk one takes in entering a relationship in the first place.
Your fear is based on imagining situations and seeing them as worse than they would be. The fact that you can both talk about it is a truly good sign. You have discussed your feelings this is what is important. Doubt is part of life. My advice to you is to stop analysing and enjoy each moment, or deal with things that bother you as each one arises, rather than building up layers of anxiety. Things will never be perfect, but if you love someone despite any aspects about them which annoy you, then that's the key. Take each day at a time.
2007-02-11 01:06:23 · answer #2 · answered by Shona L 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, first off, don't you think you'd rather make a decision such as this one while you're not medicated? Especially medicated by a girlfriend, and not a doctor? If this is your first "no drama" relationship, it's going to be wierd. It can seem boring or unexciting just because he's not treating you like ****, or you don't fight, or you never have to worry about his feelings for you. People get used to disfunction, plain and simple, and once it's gone, the familiar cycle is broken and most of us tend to look for reasons to begin it again, because its what we're used to. Is this what you're doing to him? You're looking for reasons to escape what is a really good thing just because it's "too good" and couldn't possibly be real? If you don't REALLY love him, the thought of having sex with him and spending time alone with him would probably drive you up the wall and make your skin crawl. It does worry me how you say you don't want friends around when you spend time with him, is it because he embarasses you or you don't want to be seen with him? If its like this, maybe you should consider letting this one go...after all, you're right...it wouldn't be fair to him. But if you're just freaking out 'cause its so normal and quiet unlike your other relationships, give yourself some more time to adjust....hopefully pill free. I have been in the same position as you, and unfortunately I usually give up the good guy for a more dangerous one with more action, because in the end, I enjoy the weird-o drama. That may make me weird, but at least I'm not hurting an innocent nice guy by staying with him when he bores me to tears. Good luck!
2007-02-11 01:00:31 · answer #3 · answered by CharlieCat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What's the rush? You've only been dating 5 months. Give it two years, and by then you should know the answer. Just giving yourself time to figure it all out should be a relief. Just date and enjoy the "love" that you do feel right now. Nobody is telling you that you must know right now if he is the one for you? When you start to hear that little voice, push the thoughts away....replace them with a positive, good thought. Either that, or take a break from the relationship....maybe you just need some time to be you, without a romantic interest for a while....Good Luck.
2007-02-11 00:59:17 · answer #4 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well first of all no one is perfect, in any relationship there are going to be little things that irritate you. If you really love the person you take the good with the bad. I think if you are use to previous relationships being up and down, untruest worthy etc.... you are missing the drama in your life and don't know what to do with the normalcy. If he's not for you, you need to let him go because it isn't fair to him. Good Luck
2007-02-11 00:57:21 · answer #5 · answered by dekota1997 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you are describing is known as ambivalence, also as the approach/avoid conflict. Ambivalence is painful and you have my sympathy. It's caused by anxiety, so your GP is on the right track. It sounds to me as if you might have a touch of OCD (obssesive compulsive disorder), due to the fact that so much of what he does really bothers you (and I notice these are all trivial things).
Sometimes people with PTSD also have this kind of ambivalence about close relationships, as do people with Borderline Personality Disorder. You might be dreadfully afraid of being swallowed up.
Unfortunately, I have no easy answers for you. You're going to have to dig deeply at this to get at the roots of the problem.
2007-02-11 00:58:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the fact that you love spending time with him and doing things for him means that you do love him. It also sounds like you spend a LOT of time worrying about his feelings -- that is what LOVE IS! Don't worry, most of us don't figure love out until we're old, or not at all. Sounds like you have a great relationship, and I wish we were all so lucky.
2007-02-11 00:53:37 · answer #7 · answered by brian m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow... crazy... actually, i think u really love him... its just that u cant believe that finally u have found someone that is sooo perfect for u, and thats why u kept thinking about all sorts of things... relax... u just need some time adjusting urself to this... actually, this thing can be controlled by ur mind if ur mind is strong enough... just sit alone in the room, calmly, and think about urself... ask urself what actually do u want in life? if u want him, work it out... dun be afraid... btw, u r lucky, u noe... he's very supportive... so, good luck...
2007-02-11 00:59:26 · answer #8 · answered by aurora 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to relax. You're going to ruin a good thing if you keep it up. Sorry. Just take it as it comes. You love him for real and he loves you for real. Just enjoy him. Please just tell your mind to shut up. lol You'll be ok.
2007-02-11 00:54:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say this is your first "non-dramatic relationship." Could it be you're not used to things being good...and are self-sabotaging by creating drama that's just not there?
2007-02-11 00:52:49 · answer #10 · answered by Catherine B 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋