Mom died of cancer why am I?

Question

My mom died 16 days ago. I was with her, I watched her die, I wanted to be there with her, I spent the night with her, I talked to her (even though she was unresponsive), I told her I was there with her and I said my goodbyes. She died of cancer. My question is... why am I getting more upset now than right after she died? I cried and all after she died but now I think of her all the time, I'm on the edge of tears, I don't know what's going on. One minute I'm ok, next minute I'm crying and next minute I'm mad as hell. I have a husband and a 11 year old daughter I try to tell them why I'm like this but I don't really know myself (they are there for me I'd be lost without them). What do I do? what's going on with me?

Answer 1

sometimes when something really devastating happens to a person, a kind of numbness sets in for a while, I think this may be a sort of defense mechanism to keep things from being to overwhelming all at once. There are stages of grief as well: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Though this is the generally recognized and accepted order, the stages of grief do not neccesarily go in this exact order, and a person may be stuck in one stage for a long time, or even never get past it if they don't get help, or the person may backslide into one or more of the former stages that they've already gotten past. This may occur many times before a person reaches the last stage and is able to move on. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that you CAN get through this. It is also important not to try to push yourself too hard to "get over" this if you are not ready. Believe me, it may take a long long time, and you are NOT going to forget your mother, nor should you try to, but you will have better days more and more often as time goes on, until one day you will be able to think of her without being overcome by bitter grief. And one more thing, please don't be afraid to get help if you need it. It doesn't make you weak, or pathetic, or stupid, or any of the other things that we think about ourselves if we have to ask someone for help.

Answer 2

Hey that's perfectly normal, you are grieving. As long as you were by your Mom's side you knew what to do, you were busy. Now she has gone, the funeral is over and it really has started to come home to you.
It will get better but never be apologetic to cry, this takes a long time to get over.My mother died ten years ago of cancer and even now I still have the occasional blue day, but I can look back now in great fondness for the times I had with her.
I remember someone saying once "don't judge a person in grief" and I think that is true.
Don't rush things, spoil yourself and have some time alone when you need it. Don't be frightened to talk it over with your loved ones and trusted friends. Also keep an eye out for how your daughter reacts, she may grieve in a different way but will still need understanding. God bless you, you did very well to be there for your Ma when she needed you. For that reason you will not have "bad" baggage that some people need to work through. My sincerest sympathy to you and your family.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the suffering she must have gone through. I am nearing the end of chemotherapy for my second occurrence of breast cancer, so I know the experience pretty well. My best advice, insist that your doctor start you getting mammagrams NOW. I have seen too many young women who have been told they're not likely candidates for breast cancer at the clinics where I've been treated. Get a shower Breast Self Exam card, and faithfully examine yourself. Be familiar enough with your own body to know when changes occur. Do not smoke. Do not become obese. Eat a healthy diet. Stay informed. Get in touch with the Komen foundation to find out the latest information about this sometimes deadly disease. And most of all, be your own best advocate. Don't let the doctors make the decisions about what kind of test you want or need - they don't have all the answers, and sometimes they have the wrong answers. Be aggressive and informed and even if you can't prevent it, you can detect it early and still come out ahead. Bless you.

Answer 4

My mom was hospitilized for the first time in my 40 year life just 2 years ago. She was diagnosed with pancriatic cancer and had no chance of survival. I sat with her for 2-1/2 months, painfully watching her die. As in your situation, I felt very sad when she passed, but quite relieved that she wasn't suffering any more. I felt worse every day that passed after her death as the reality set in that I couldn't just pick up the phone and call her anymore, or go and sit and have coffee, no more birthday cards......etc. I have to remember how she would want it to be if she were still here, knowing the pain will never subside but understanding that when we said our goodbyes, her life wish was for my girls and I go be happy. Good Luck, what you're feeling is natural and may never go away. You just have to find a way to accept your feelings and generate a positive energy from them.

Answer 5

You're experiencing grief, as I'm sure you know.
At first there is shock and numbness, and as the reality of everything sets in, many folks experience this okay one minute and just utter despair the next minute.

I would look to be in a grief support group, and go easy on yourself, you've experienced a life trauma. Give yourself all the time in the world. Grief is an ongoing 'evolution' over time, that is to say, you go through various periods and changes and may go back and forth many times, everyone is different.

If you're not up for a support group, a trusted counselor may be right for you, or clergy support.

Whatever you do, no one can tell you what is the "right way" to grieve.

God bless you as you grieve your mother's passing, and memorialize her life.

It may also be helpful to read books on grief and loss, consult your local library.

Answer 6

The reason being,you were there for her and to be strong for her so she could pass in peace and filled with LOVE.Now that she is gone everything hits harder because you do not have to hold back and be strong.You should not hold anything back,if you feel the need to cry than do it, throw things ,do all you feel you want to do,get it out now.Because whether you realize it or not you are mad as hell that she has left you and the family.Want to know how I know?My mom passed away with cancer the day befor my 29th B-day.that was 9 yrs. ago. I am still catching myself crying when I think of her,but because I let it all go and had gotten it out yrs befor it's not so hard because I know she is no longer in pain,and is at ease resting.and she is always watching down on my family.Just think of that.Hope it gets easier real soon for you and your family.I am so sorry for your loss.This is 1 time I can honestly say "I know what you are going thru".

Answer 7

You're still in shock and going through the grieving process. This is natural and is a necessary way for you to come to terms with the loss of your Mom who you loved dearly. The reason why you are more upset now is because this whole episode is working itself through your being. This is a slow process that takes time for you to heal. Eventually though there will come a time when you will find a measure of peace and you will realize that life goes on. By doing so you will some day be able to be of some solace to another person who will be going through the very same thing that you are dealing with now. For what ever consolation that may be offered, you know yourself better now than you ever did in your entire life. It's just taking time for you to sort out your feelings. One thing for certain. By being with your Mother during her last moments you revealed to yourself the true meaning of what it means to be a loving caring human being. Know that she would have been proud to have had such a wonderful daughter who was raised to be that selfless generous person who is flesh and blood of herself. Through all of this understand that she would want for you to carry on in your life and be there for the ones who are important to you now. When you look upon your own family, those who are there for you now, remember that you Mother still lives on and, through them, will be with you now and forevermore.

Answer 8

You are grieving, give yourself time. I went into a full depression after my mother died. I was 20 and she was only 41. You might want to seek professional help. I wish I would have because I think the way I handled her death has affected most of my life.. serious abandonment issues for me. I want my mommy! still...

I have been in and out of therapy and I believe I am just beginning to get over her death. I wish I would have gotten the help much sooner

Answer 9

i lost two sisters and my mother to cancer in the space of five years. the last was my sister just a year ago. i still cry over all of them. its natural. try to not remember her the way she was when she died, remember all of the good days when you laughed.you have a daughter, make memories she will remember with smiles not tears. we all die its what we leave to our loved ones that count it will get better.

Answer 10

My mother also died of cancer, and I am sorry to hear that, I think you are hurting more now because she is gone and you are missing her, that is ok. There are 8 kids in my family and we have all handled it differently, I hear it takes about 3 years to feel ok about it, so give yourself time, she just left you, and cry and be angry it is ok. Take care.