Four years ago I met a man from another city---one far distant from mine. We both felt a connection, and our follow-up business emails soon turned into friendly ones. I am married, and older than he. We have become very close and I know he trusts me and values my friendship and input...A few months after we began writing, he tried to reconcile with a former girlfriend but that didn't work out. Two years ago a woman contacted him through an internet dating service, and their relationship, although initially good, soon turned volatile and sour, and he left her, although she continues alternately to plead him to come back, and to harass him. She has harassed me too, in numerous and sometimes dangerous ways that I don't have time or space to go into.
He has several times, in oblique ways, let me know of his feelings toward me. I think he loves me but he has never openly declared it. As for me, well, I've never known anyone like him. He is very bright, handsome, and sensitive.
2007-02-10 18:58:11 · 4 answers · asked by Laurie C 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has sent me many beautiful and loving songs, and has also sent unique, very meaningful gifts (although not expensive ones.) I think he is trying to be honorable and to respect my marriage? The marriage, like most, is far from perfect.
I am confused as to how I should behave through this, and I can't seem to clearly sort through all my own feelings. I am also confused as to how much he cares for me? Is he not actively pursuing (i.e. coming back to my city, visiting) because he doesn't wanted to be a guy who broke up a marriage?
The harasser got my email through stealing his phone one day; she is wealthy and resourceful and harassed me with malicious spyware and even by tampering with my vehicle (probably hired someone in the area)
I think the central dilemma is: He is hesitant to pursue further unless I give him some sign that I might be willing to leave the marriage? But I am hesitant to leave the marriage until he pursues further.
2007-02-10 19:00:48 · update #1
This is an unhealthy situation all around. Three separate issues at work that need to be considered independantly. 1. Your marriage. If the marriage is that bad that you might leave it for another man, sounds like you should get out all together with no impetus. That is the only fair thing to do, consider your arriage independently of this other situation. You don't have to be the person who always needs to have someone there. Have a little more repsect for yourself, if not your husband and marriage. 2. The other man and his sociopathic ex. Do you really want to involve yourself in this kind of situation? Even if you two hook up and things go well, you are going to have to deal with a his ex. She is resourceful and has no boundaries, apparently. This is dangerous for you. If this is happening beyond his control, it may just not be the right time for the two of you to start something solid. 3. Your relationship with another man. I think I already wrote this in your pervious posting but worth repeating: What is so compelling about him that you are willing to risk so much? Is he giving you attention where you are lacking? It is the adventure? Are you going through personal issues that this situation is helping appease?
It doesn't seem to matter, all these questions about what his intentions are, if he is trying to respect your marriage, if he has real feelings. If you look at what you have written here, that is not the issue. The issue is that you are not happy in your current relationship. Perhaps the emotional relationship you have formed with another man exists to show you that. Maybe it exists to show you that you do want to remain where you are and make it work. Either way, you have a responsibility to look after the relationship that meant so much to you in the first place, you committed your life to it. And you have the responsibilty to be good to yourself, care for yourself, and not put yourself in another bad situation.
2007-02-10 19:16:13 · answer #1 · answered by JustTalking 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could type a two page letter to respond, to what you just said, but basically the cliff notes version is this. Divorce can be a wonderful thing if you truly are no longer happy in your marriage, but you have to divorce your husband because YOU want to, not because of this other guy. You have to do this for you and then if you want to be with with this other man, then so be i. I would take some time out to evaluate your feelings for your husband and the other man, but more than anyone for your husband, do you really want to end to your marriage or you truly unhappy?? Ending a marriage is very very very stressful so be sure you know what you are doing and be sure you are doing it for no one but yourself and YOUR happiness!!
2007-02-10 19:44:25 · answer #2 · answered by Megz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look. You are married. If you dont want to be married, get divorced. Dont let this new guy help the decision. If you marriage is not a good one, end it, if it cant be saved.
Its not fair to your husband all this going on behind his back. You cant have your cake and eat it too.
You are married and he knows it. He could be the kindest man on earth but he is messing with a marriage. Good or not.
2007-02-10 19:11:57 · answer #3 · answered by nikogal2006 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both are confused.Give yourself some time,and then decide.Dont take a hasty decision.
2007-02-10 19:11:40 · answer #4 · answered by ANU U 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋