Four years ago I met a man from another city---one far distant from mine. We both felt a connection, and our follow-up business emails soon turned into friendly ones. I am married, and older than he. We have become very close and I know he trusts me and values my friendship and input...A few months after we began writing, he tried to reconcile with a former girlfriend but that didn't work out. Two years ago a woman contacted him through an internet dating service, and their relationship, although initially good, soon turned volatile and sour, and he left her, although she continues alternately to plead him to come back, and to harass him. She has harassed me too, in numerous and sometimes dangerous ways that I don't have time or space to go into.
He has several times, in oblique ways, let me know of his feelings toward me. I think he loves me but he has never openly declared it. As for me, well, I've never known anyone like him. He is very bright, handsome, and sensitive.
2007-02-10 18:05:26 · 12 answers · asked by Laurie C 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
He has sent me many beautiful and loving songs, and has also sent unique, very meaningful gifts (although not expensive ones.) I think he is trying to be honorable and to respect my marriage? The marriage, like most, is far from perfect.
I am confused as to how I should behave through this, and I can't seem to clearly sort through all my own feelings. I am also confused as to how much he cares for me? Is he not actively pursuing (i.e. coming back to my city, visiting) because he doesn't wanted to be a guy who broke up a marriage?
2007-02-10 18:06:05 · update #1
The woman who is harassing got my email through stealing his phone one day. She is wealthy and resourceful and harassed me with malicious spyware and even by tampering with my vehicle (probably hired someone in the area)
2007-02-10 18:22:43 · update #2
Thanks all of you so far, for your advice.
I think the central dilemma is: He is hesitant to pursue further unless I give him some sign that I might be willing to leave the marriage? But I am hesitant to leave the marriage until he gives me some sign that he would further pursue.
2007-02-10 18:26:31 · update #3
contrary to what some say or think, people who are married and find themselves in a situation like yours are not all insensitive, selfish cheaters. im sure you didnt mean for this to happen. you obviously care about the possible negative affect it can have on your family,and you are reaching out for help. now- it seems like he does care about you, but essentually considers you unavailable. his feelings for you may be the cause of his other failed relationships. i would be very concerned about the unstable woman that is hot on your trail. is she threatening to blow the whistle to your husband? getting her out of your life is priority one, then deciding if you want to gamble your marriage away on this. it reminds me of a song that includes the words"its sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along"
2007-02-10 18:43:20 · answer #1 · answered by DEBI M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What if I told you I know your husband? What if I told you he's been dating a friend of mine for about 6mos now?.....................Did your heart just skip a beat? Are your eyes bugging out of your head? Are you feeling a bit betrayed and upset? Do you want your husband to feel this way ever? I'm not over 35 but I am a woman married to a man that cheated over the internet. I can tell you relationships sometimes get boring and are never truly perfect. The next guy or girl will always be more charming and more beautiful than the one you have at home >loving you. It's just the excitement of something new. It's the dullness of what has become old. Ask yourself if you have more to gain by pursuing this man or more to loose? Ask yourself if when the smoke clears will you have your true prince or a royal headache?
2007-02-11 02:45:15 · answer #2 · answered by quel772o 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear Laurie C
Although you are requesting that people older than 35 years should respond, but I am sorry to say that you are behaving like teenagers.
Jumping marriages just because you found someone better than the present one is a very silly excuse. What if you find someone else after going with this guy. If you would have stopped him in the first place, he would not have dared to continue in this fashion.
I don't see much of your marriage problems mentioned in the question, may be because they are not there as such or are of routine nature. But what is transpired from your question that you are trying to make it look worse than it is, in order to gain sympathy from others.
You are willing to take risk with the present one, though from your question it seems that you are not at all sure if this love.
Get your self in order and please see for yourself how much you are to be blamed for
1) Initiating this kind of relationship
2) Spoiling your present marriage life and creating confusion in your head
Best of luck
Regards,
GS
2007-02-11 02:49:07 · answer #3 · answered by GS 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He can't be a guy that broke up a marriage - he is not in one. You have the responsibility for your marriage. Even if he was coming on strong you are the one accountable for your actions in your relationship with your husband. While he may be 'oblique' in his actions, it does not appear that you have been direct in your boundaries. Perhaps the feeling of flirting is exciting to you. You have to decide if you want to work through the challanges that marriage brings. My decision with my wife has been to acknowledge, and work through the rough spots. While this can be difficult, it is also rewarding in a way that is unlike anything in the flirtation/conquest stage. We all love to be loved - and the passion of an early relationship with a mysterious quality about it is very exciting. There is also tremendous potential in a love that deepens with time. There are ways to bring passion, excitement and suprise into a marriage. Below is a link to a book by a guy named John Gottman, this book was helpful in the work my partner and I have done.
To sum up:
Make a decision about which relationship matters most to you.
Take action based on that decision
2007-02-11 02:19:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
he has a history of bad relationships
an email relationship is far from living with someone!
I have a no men other than my husband in my life in chat and email policy!!!
the grass is always greener on the other side, but when you get there, it has weeds too, and you have to mow it, water it.......etc.
a good marriage takes work.
It sounds to me like you are having an internet affair!!
you are emotionally cheating on your spouse.
Work on your marriage and stop contact with this guy for let's say 45 days. and see if it improves your marriage.
and if your internet friend, email guy friend respects you,
he will honor you and not contact you in anyway shape or form in the next 45 days.
Temptation is the Devil's playground.
I'd say take an email break from this guy for 45 days, and re-evaluate how you really feel.
get some help with your husband and date him!!
if he has addiction problems or violence problems seek help.
otherwise STOP MESSING AROUND WITH SOME EMAIL GUY AND START PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR MARRIAGE!!
your e-mail friend is a fantasy!!!
2007-02-11 02:16:56 · answer #5 · answered by Lilly 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If this is my situation, I would keep this at a "frienship" level. You are married and I'm not sure if you have children or not. Your friend is keeping the relationship distance because he knows you're married. Ask yourself what your husband would say/do if he finds out? Would you divorce your husband to go after this friend? What would a divorce do to your family, extended family, friends? I see a lot of people who are hurt... having seen a few relationships breakup this way.
2007-02-11 02:15:18 · answer #6 · answered by Nebby 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think its better you ask yourself first if you're willing to risk your marriage or end it. If you have questions, just ask him. Maybe he's putting the ball on your court, so you have to make the move. Unfortunately, you're married so you can't really have much room to maneuver. Ask yourself if this other guy is really a whole lot different from your husband in all respects and in the most important aspects. He doesn't really sound that great to me the way you described his escapades with women.
2007-02-11 02:15:00 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Many of us Laurie are in not perfect marriages. I'm one of them and I'm considering divorce. I think to be fair to your man you should at least tell him what is going on and how you feel. Then if you still feel the same way about your internet connection get a divorce or a seperation and pursue it.............
2007-02-11 02:16:13 · answer #8 · answered by Laura 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out of it. You are married, he has been in several relationships just during the time you have been in contact. One of his ex's threatens you, how does she know you and how to reach you?
I think you are caught up in the drama.
2007-02-11 02:14:44 · answer #9 · answered by rob_hallock 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is an easy one to figure out, and you should be smart enough to do it. Any man who sends poems and songs to another mans wife is a moral degenerate. Start using your head. AND YOU ARE NOT MUCH BETTER
TAKE YOUR BAD TASTING MEDICINE.
THE WOMAN IS BEING USED AS AN INSTRUMENT TO PUNISH YOU FOR YOUR WRONGDOING. Turn down his songs and gifts. You know better
2007-02-11 02:10:40 · answer #10 · answered by lefty 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋