He had 2 shoulder surgeries last year, weighs about 380, has a knee surgery coming up next week and says that the continuing pain is why he doesn't feel like having sex anymore. I am 5'2 120 lbs and ready to rock & roll. We are 54 & 56. I keep thinking that I must not be appealing anymore. We have been together 4 years this time. Any ideas on how I can turn him on? My body certainly isn't the body of a 30 year old but I'm really not bad for my age and I desire him and the intimacy so very much. If this is how it has to be, I can learn to live with it but sometimes I feel so insecure, like there must be something wrong with me even though he says it's not me. I know he loves me and I certainly love him but I don't know where to go from here. This really is the only dark spot in our relationship.
2007-02-10 17:22:41 · 17 answers · asked by mountain_mona 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Of course pain diminishes sexual feelings. Havent you ever been in pain? Havent you ever curled up and wished the world would go away? I have been in terrible pain, and as much as I tried to ignore it, it was there...I tried everything to get my mind off the pain, but when its there, its there, and theres not a lot you can do to get rid of it. Please dont think you are not appealing, it has nothing to do with whether you are appealing or not...your husband is in pain, and when in pain, it is very hard to perform...maybe you just need to accept he is in pain, and its the pain that is consuming his body. Just imagine how guilty he would be feeling, but he has no control over his pain. He would be feeling even worse if you were telling him you were feeling unattractive because he is unable to "perform" ....so together with the pain and the guilt, it would be near impossible for him to "get it up" You need to take the focus off yourself. You need to start thinking about things from his perspective. If he is in pain, then he will not feel like having sex...that is a fact...and you need to accept that. If you need sex so badly, then there is such a thing as masturbation....maybe if you did that, you would take the pressure off your husband. Intimacy can come in all levels....just hold him, tell him you love him...tell him you are sorry that he is in pain, but you love him very much....thats intimate times....spoon up to him at night....just love him, but accept that he is experiencing pain....You are doing nothing wrong.....pain is not your fault, but the body does react to pain...its a phsilogical thing...not a falling out of love with you thing. You need to put it into perspective. It is obvious you love him...just try to think logically and not so emotionally. Your husband is in pain, and it does affect sexual function...that part is proven and is a fact. Dont take this on yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. Its your husband who needs the love and support at this present time because he probably wouldnt be feeling like much of a man. I am sure he would love to sexually please you, but unfortunately the pain is preventing this from happening, and now with the guilt piled on top is just making it worse. Stop thinking about yourself or a while....start thinking about your husband. Maybe when you can take the focus off yourself, thing will happen naturally.
2007-02-10 18:09:22 · answer #1 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You describe a problem that many couples have as they grow older. In a nutshell, your husband is "aging" faster than you are, in the sense that sex is not nearly as high on his agenda anymore as it is for you. So you are physically and emotionally mis-matched in this area.
Ok, here's a serious question for you. How important is sex to you? Is it more or less important than staying in the relationship? I know this is a hard thing to ask someone. Only you can decide this.
Assuming that the relationship is more important to you than sex, and you want to remain in it, then you have a few possibilities.
Many women wish more for the intimacy and connection that comes with the sex, so talk to your husband about the possibility of a "snuggle session" now and then. Ask him if he is willing to do other intimate things with you that don't cause him pain. If he is unselfish and really concerned about you, he may be game for it.
If your relationship is healthy, you might consider some counseling on this topic. A counselor who is well-versed on this topic can help you evaluate all the possibilities that you might potentially consider.
2007-02-10 17:46:18 · answer #2 · answered by bearvarine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to judge, but i think if you marry someone before you have sex with them then the sex life will never really work out perfect. You wouldn't marry someone without knowing their financial stability or their personality so why would you marry someone without knowing what they are like in bed? If he was able to wait 2 years for sex, then he is either not much into sex, or he's getting some elsewhere. Might i ask why you waited 2 years just to have sex after marraige???
2016-03-29 01:48:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very hard to understand what it's like to be under chronic pain, if you haven't experienced it yourself. Your husband is very likely telling you the truth. Also, there could be other reasons, like prostate problems or hormonal changes in him. He should make sure to ask his doctor for the PSA blood test for prostate, if he hasn't already.
Maybe you can try to come up with some ways to make it easier for him. Try different positions to see if any are more comfortable for him. Tell him how you're feeling about the situation and that you need more intimacy and see if he won't agree to work on it with you.
Actually, don't be surprised if it's all down-hill from now on his part in the bedroom, it's kind of a common thing to happen to men, especially if they are having prostate problems.
Good Luck!
2007-02-10 17:43:04 · answer #4 · answered by Ruby V 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how I felt in the past while trying to do the deed and having a pain.It makes it hard to concentrate on what you are doing if the pain is bad enough.I broke and dislocated a shoulder many years ago and sometimes when I move a certain way with my girlfriend I have to move in order to continue because it's very painful and distracting.At times it makes it almost impossible to stay focused."Things" don't always work right if you loose focus.
2007-02-10 17:48:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think if I had just had a hysterectomy, and was getting ready for a lump to be removed from my breast, sex would probably be the last thing on my mind at that point.
If his shoulders have had surgery and now his knee is hurting of course he is in pain.
Get imaginative there are other forms of closeness and intimacy,
he really needs you right now, be there for him.
2007-02-10 17:41:39 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it does I have had knee and Achilles tendon surgery and sex could become painful in certain positions but it did not stop me.You have to also realize your husband is almost 400 pounds you have to find positions that is a little easier on his physique.
2007-02-10 17:37:29 · answer #7 · answered by zachary b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, pain counts against fun.
You might try positions that lessen his pain. For example, if you're on top, then there should be less stress on his knee and shoulder.
See if things get better after the knee surgery.
2007-02-10 17:27:16 · answer #8 · answered by tony1athome 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ofcourse it does, if ur husband is in pain 24/7 he wont feel like having sex. Come over to my place I'll fix ya up...
2007-02-10 17:34:18 · answer #9 · answered by yahwhoon 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sex is a mental as well as phisical activity.psy chological factors play an importent role in sex .age is also afactor all are working on your husband(medicines also)
But he can .Help him .Encourage him.Dont show him that your frustrated.
becase that leads him to inferearete complex.Act slowly.take female acttive positionin sex
ThanQ
2007-02-10 18:11:47 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋