As an attractive wife whos been cheated on,I'm never good enough... What am I doing wrong now?

Question

Okay, here is the low down on me:
I'm 30... Faithfully married for 10+ years... Stay at home mom of 3... I am 5'7" & a size 4, pretty face, I keep my hair, make-up, nails & toes done... I try to look nice all the time... I cook, bake, sew, write, read, clean my house, tend to the kids, I don't drink or party and I don't have friends other than the PTA moms at the school... I never go out, so I am home all the time.

My husband who is 33 and works in construction. He loves golf and playing the drums and recently quit drinking 1 year ago... It was a case a night for our entire marriage... (And many nights alone)
He works 5 days a week and then golfs sat and sun...

He cheated 5 years ago by moving in with the married secretary at his work, me and his kids lost our place (we rented) and his family helped out...He eventually came back only to be mean & rub every last detail in my face.
Of course, he says I pushed him... Which I guess maybe I should've not asked to go out or for a.

I guess it all boiled down to that I asked for too much. Too much time, too much affection...
But I never got any and my question is why?
Why am I sitting here tonight 11 years into a marriage to someone who tells me he can't have s*x with me b/c he is repulsed by me.
I cleaned the house today -cooked a meal to entertain his uncle and looked super... I only tried laying down with him - see he refuses to sleep in the same bed as me, and I am offended by this.
I guess I already expected that, but I'm so lonely and really need to know he loves me, but yet when I tell him, he ignores me which leads to a fight and he walks away and tells me how nasty I am and how much I deserve all the bad things he has done.
I only wanted s*x, with him, that's all.
It's always like this, and it hurts so bad.
I try to be a good person, I know I can b*tch, but I loved him unconditionally and he hurt me so so so bad...
What am I doing wrong?
I want my family of 5 to work! We have 3 girls who r GREAT

Okay, I am miss communication, I always want to talk about everything, he is the one who walks away...
He will not talk, at all.

As for being fun.... I am open minded and laid back and HE is the one not comprimising! We could have a GREAT intimtate life.
I mean, we are talking about a man who prefers a mag...
I guess I am boring, I write, and I cook, and I make my own clothes and trendy dresses and quilts...
I am a PTA mom.... Never mind, I see that I am boring and I guess I do deserve every hit, every name, every fling...

My hygene is just fine, in fact better than most... I am always polished.

As for materialismn, I am not a materialistic person, I mean yes I want to own a home and a car and have $ in the bank and health insurance... That is not too much to ask, but yet he says it's materialistic. I mean come on, these are basic needs.
He never even bought me a wedding ring... I have nothing but debt from this marriage and it's his.
He is irresponsible, he doesn't put our needs before his own, it's always about which drums he is going to buy or what driver he'll get...
I mean and when I ask him to take me to dinner or anywhere for that matter, he says no.
But when his buddies call, he goes.
I mean he wakes up thinking only about being this sex god drummer, and it's like WTF?
He makes me feel so terrible about myself, but I am aware of all the other men looking at me, but I just feel that cheating is wrong and I want my husband to lust after me like other men... I gave him my everything-4-none

Answer 1

You crave for attention that you would expect your husband to be able to give, who else would you look to for intimacy. I would advise you to start seeing other people and leave him. He doesnt sound worth your effort or time. Why is he blaming you? He shouldnt be, it sounds like he is the one making all the mistakes and excuses in your marriage, not you. If you want to hear that he loves you, you may be waiting along time, is all this pain really worth, a man who has lied, cheated and left his family for another woman? No - No man is worth that, not even after 10yrs. Your still young, you can love again. Ask yourself how you can stay with a man that has be as rude as to work his way back into your life only to make you miserable, he should have been kissing your ****, rather than rubbing it in your face. Alcohol can ruin many lives and marriages, maybe part of his attitude comes from beng ashamed in himself, but that shouldnt excuse the way he treats you. What kind of a husband doesn't want to sleep with his wife, or in the same bed as them. None that i know, he isnt living up to his husband title, get rid of him, before he takes your heart and walks on it. You can do better and he knows it. You never treat your wife with that kind of disrespect, maybe he know that he can get away with it, he probably doesnt think that you'll be going anywhere, show him that you can and maybe you will. I know its hard to do when your a stay at home mother, seek out information on how you can support your family without having to live with your husband. Get some 'me' time and work out where you want your life to go and where you see yourself in 2-10yrs from now - can you see yourself with him? If not, why waste your time?

Answer 2

I know how you feel. Only difference is that I've never been married. I was with my ex for 6years, the longest I've ever been in an relationship. I did everything that you have described, cooked, clean, etc. I felt like a wife! I want to be his wife so bad. I turned a man that wasn't nothing into something. Everyone loved the new him! He started to make money and got big headed. He started to become very disrespectful and always threaten to leave me. Until, July 11th of last year, he was going to see a girl whom he cheated on me with and got into a car accident. He tried to flee the scene and the police caught him. Now he is in jail for a year, don't come home til July 12 of this year.
I found out that he has been messing with this girl since she was 15, she is 20 now. Got 2 kids by her as well. I always thought I was the reason he did this to me. I found out that it wasn't me at all, it WAS HIM! You can't change who you are, a good person at that. It's them that needs some help.

Answer 3

I dont know why you are still sticking around for?
For What? More abuse? So he could tell you its your fault for the rest of the marriage? I hate to be the one to say it but "He doesnt love you any more" It sounds like he is still sleeping around. Save some money and get out of that hell house. You must cry yourself to sleep.
Try moving in with your parents, think of a plan while you are still supported by him. Dont stay together for the kids.
I feel sorry for you. I feel every woman should be as happy as I am, Every time I see my husband I feel like Im on Cloud 9. We are married/together 10 yrs and 2 kids later (preg w/the 3rd) We have a happy life. I hear your story and wanna cry!
You are not at fault here, he is 100%, but you dont realize that cause he has brainwashed you into thinking that its your fault that he is sticking it somewhere else.
Get some confidence and move on.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

Perhaps he's bored and doesn't like married with children life anymore. Do you challenge him intellectually? Do you make him think about things that makes him wonder if he's doing the right thing? Sometimes just being a good companion isn't good enough for some people.

I personally need someone who is my equal or higher intellect to keep me sharp. But if that's the case for him, then he should have known what he wants before he married you.

I do know that you do not deserve to be mentally abused like that. If he says your not good enough, then perhaps he's saying that as an excuse to justify his cheating ways.

If I were you, I would not think that your self worth is determined by having to be with a man. No one has a right to make a fool out of you and you should stand up for yourself, for your identity instead of trying to please him.

Otherwise he won't respect you if you are a door mat and don't have an identity. He will continue to abuse you.

Answer 5

You're not doing anything wrong. Your husband is the person who is at fault, seems like he doesn't respect anyone. He cheated with someone who was also married, and helped ruin her marriage as well. You and your children lost your home, b/c of your husband was selfish and basically walked out on you. He's a jerk. A real man would not do those things.

There is someone out there who would be very grateful for a women like you. You seem to be a very family oriented and caring women. I hope things work out. In the meantime, continue to be a good mom to your kids.

You say you want your family of 5 to work. I really think you should re-elevate that idea. Do you want your girls growing up to believe that a man should act and treat another women the way their father treated their mother?

Answer 6

Honey, it's not you, it's him. He says you pushed him because it makes him feel better. He is a creep. You sound like a beautiful woman. He, on the other hand, is a dog. He is selfish. You take care of the kids, the home, his needs, etc. He is also a pig, by the way. You deserve better. I know it's not easy to walk away from a marriage with children but you have to understand that you aren't at fault and that you deserve respect. MUCH more than you get and someone who doesn't think you're stupid enough to believe that it is your fault for one minute. You are great. You are beautiful and you are a wonderful person.

Answer 7

First of ,all there is nothing wrong with you.You remained faithful through his whole alcohol ordeal and then he cheats on you and
has the nerve to throw it in your face .The worst part is he put you and your kids out on the street.It definely is not you.It is him and if I were you I would let him go if he cheated on you once more than likely he will do it again.You didn't push him to do what
he did he is using that as an excuse for his bad behavior.
I don't and can't understand why you are still with him.I would say put him out on the street.Please donot tell me you love this man.How could you after what he did to you. I would of never took him back in the first place cause now you have to walk on egg shells wondering will it happen again or is it happening and you just don't know it. Please get away from him and don;'t let him feed you a bunch of garbage.

Answer 8

Darling, YOU are not doing anything wrong. In fact, you are doing everything right. Except being true to yourself. You are worth so much more than your husband is allowing you to see. He is an insecure, half limp excuse for a man and father. He is taking out his insecurities and issues on you. When he says something abusive to you, he is talking about himself. Everytime he disrespects you by ignoring you, taking you for granted, hitting your, or otherwise verbally abusing you, he is showing how he really feels about himself. He is riddled with issues and problems and has no room to love another person. According to what you have written, I am not sure he knows how.

You have gone above and beyond what any woman should do to be a good wife. You should feel good about that. If you enjoy reading, writing, cooking, and going to PTA meetings, if these things make you happy, then you are not boring. And don't let someone tell you that. If these things make you happy, then DO them and enjoy them.

Don't let this man push you around anymore. There are so many men that would appreciate having a wife as attentive as you. However, the thing you need to do at this point, is save yourself. From that abusive relationship, from humilation, from a lifetime of servitude. You need to take your children somewhere safe, so that they can grow up in a healthier environment. You need to focus on developing yourself, liking and loving yourself, and allowing yourself to blossom. Find your self worth, find the things in life that inspire you. A healthy relationship should be uplifting by and large. It should be nuturing, mutually supportive, understanding, and filled with respect. But first, you have to respect yourself.

Ask youself, what will you lose in leaving this man? Aside from the ideal of raising your children together with someone who you thought would be there for you, not much. You will lose an ideal, an idea of a person who does not actually exist. But, you have everything to gain from taking your life back, taking your children to a safe place, and finding yourself. You deserve that. Your children deserve that.

Whether you want to stay or go, you do need to set up boundaries and rules for yourself. Don't take his abuse, don't accept what he tells you about yourself as truth. He doesn't respect you at this point but neither will anyone until you gain self confidence and a backbone. He is not going to change. Don't think that you can make him by looking and doing your best at all times. He will only change if he wants to and is ready. It is you who must change. Find your inner strength and open your heart to a new life. You are worth it.

Answer 9

Wow, sound just like my story, only with two munchkins. My ex did the same thing to me, only I was 24. I am 39 now and over it.
I also use to be on top of my game, so i thought. I modeled, looked good, took care of myself, kept the house clean nd took the best care of my kids I could. I always had his dinner ready, and and and..... All that was not enough for him though. He cheated on me, got someone pregnant, and I found out 8 month later that all this was going on right under my nose. I thought I had the perfect marriage.
What is a women suppose to do?
I personally think that no matter what, a person will do what he/she wants. It's not your fault. You did what you are suppose to do, and felt righ doing for your husband.
I learned from my past experience that I should have had a life for myself. I should have had more friends, go out more, enjoy life (my life). Not to say to shut him out, but be more independend. Show him that there is more to life that just to be a housewife. Give him a reason to be challenged. I never challenged him. Never gave him a reason to be jelouse even a bit.
Well, to make a long story short....I divorced him. I was not going to put up with his girlfriend and their baby. I had my own family to worry about. I was young. I could not handle her being in my life. That was the best thing I ever did. Yeah, I thought about taking him back once or twice, but the fact remained that he cheated on me for a long time. diss-honesty is so wrong and it hurts so much. It took me years to recover. But the good new is, I never took him back and me and my chilren now 16/19 are happy. I am a survivor. YOU need to ask yourself the reason WHY he came back to you first. Did it not work out for him and his new sidekick? Then kick him right back out. You don't need that kind of stress in your life. You are a strong women, you can make it by yourself. I made it by myself, and i am not from the US. I came here speaking very litte English, no family and friends when this happened to me. Now look at me. I am telling you this because I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and while crawling to it, you don't need people in your way telling you that you won't ever see that light. Don't deal with negativity. But if you want to make it work, see a therapist for the family. And I don't mean see a therapist by yourself. He needs to go to. Good luck honey. My thoughts are with you. Go out and get involved. Do things for yourself for a change.
Oh yeah, by the way he also told me it was my fault, and I pushed him to it. To be honest though, I think we where too young to be married and have chilren. Maturity makes a huge diff. on how long a marriage can survive. I believe people should not jump into marriages at young age. Outlook on life changes with age. As a young adult, there is so much to experience. Especially for men.

Answer 10

It doesn't sound like you are the problem. IT sounds like you are experiencing what I am experiencing and that is that you try to do everything and be everything and it's never good enough. Your husband is a jerk. From my experience that is all husbands are. I'm mad at men in general right now but I say, let him do his own laundry, his own meals, and you get a life. Get some friends. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house. If he loved you, he wouldn't be acting like this, that much I know.