how can I move on after my wife's death?

Question

my wife died in June 2006-sudden death-I had no warning I've a good attitude, but I have trouble letting go,and I want to know how to go on-it's not like you can just flick a switch-wewere married almost 13 years-it isn't that easy and everybody isfrustrated because I'm not progressing very fast. Particularly with decision making, it isn't happening very fast.Even the week my wife died my family wanted me to start dating,and I just can't imagine dating right now - it's been7 1/2 months now and Ican't imagine. Gosh a date with me right now would be me telling them about Valerie for 2 hours. thanks so much -does that make any sense?My wife was very socially skilled,and I obviously have a lot more trouble. How can I start to become skilled int the things she could do and I can't. Like I still can't focus well, she always had to keep me on track. I am disoriented. I'm scared to talk to people. ideas?I feel like a puppy in a mine field. I'm like torn in 15 directions Thanks!

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you , feel for your loss i have lost many people close to me. I know it may be hard for you to understand right now but your wife is still very close to you, she says she is with you always and all you have to do is talk to her and then listen in a quiet moment and you will feel her love for you, sometimes it is a great gift we are given when those close to us leave to continue their journey in another state of existence even though this is hard to grasp. You said that you were not as good with social skills as your wife and that you leaned on her to complete that part of you, this is just one gift she has given you, the opportunity to learn these skils yourself, do you think you would have felt it necessary to learn to socialise more if she were still with you? I'm sure there are many more gifts that you have to offer the world that you may never have found within if she was always there to do them for you, life and the reasons why we are here are far more than any of us could imagine, but if you search for deeper meaning to your life you will come to some amazing realisations. i sense that you are very psychic-intuitive, you just have to trust your inner feelings. She says you are not to worry because she is arranging for you to meet someone very special and she doesn't want you to feel guilty when it happens, just know that it was her that arranged it. You and her have been together in many lifetimes and you will be again. Time is but an illusion my friend. Live and Love without fear my friend. You have so very much to offer the world.

Answer 2

Tell them all to leave you alone. We all grieve in different ways. I grieved for my cat for a year and a half for god's sake. You are entitled to feel your loss as long as it takes if it takes an eternity. You tell them to mind their own business and stick to it. Maybe you have to be rude to give them the picture. Go to a therapy session grief counseling that has group sessions that way you can relate to others that have the same issues and forget about the dating thing. That is a natural thing that will evolve in time or it won't. Maybe Valerie was your love of your life. Who knows and that is all right. I applaud your ability to ask your question here. I hope you get the answers you are looking for. Keep the faith in yourself and I am so sorry you lost your best friend and wife.

Answer 3

You have my deepest sympathy and my heart goes out to you. Here comes lots of hugs for you today. You may very well need counseling and help to get you to start healing and slowly past the pain of this. This will not be easy and will take time. Take the time to grieve over her loss too and dont beat yourself up over this as this is VERY normal. I would be devastated if my husband died like that. I can only imagine the pain and loss you must be feeling. Go to a local church and talk with a pastor and maybe they can offer help and pray with you. My husband and I are here to talk if you need us as well. Do not date until you are ready and that might be years before you are ready to. Take your time and dont push yourself. Take the time to heal and get past this first. Do not let your family push you into doing something that you are not ready for and only you will know when the time is right to start dating again someday way down the road.

http://www.drphil.com

Answer 4

Hello..moving on is an individual thing thee is no certain timetable, only you have your own feeling. Some people move into another relationship sooner because of the kids, or wait longer because of the kids.....You follow your heart! You love your wife so much you feel as thought your are cheating and that is very respectful, time waits for no one and life goes on, if she loved you she would want your to be happy and children need the warmth of a female,but this is your decisions consult your pastor. Take care Be Happy!

Answer 5

It's OK and what your going threw is normal. You'll move on when your ready. Don't let other people rush into dating. If my friends did something that repeatedly I'd get some new friends. As for the other things she did better then you, you will learn those with time you may never be able to do them as she did but you'll find a way to do that works for you. hugs

Answer 6

I know how you feel and I sympathise. In time the hurt goes away for longer periods. The main thing is to focus on life and the rest will fall into line.
You didn't say how old you are and that could make a difference

Answer 7

You dont have to be socially skilled. You just have to talk to people. Dont hold back....talk about your grief...she was the love of your life and you lost her, hell, man, you would be absolutely devestated....and someone who wouldnt understand your devestation would have to be a fool. You are lonely, that is obvious, and you dont have to date if you dont feel like it. You would be surprised at the amount of people who would sit and listen to the stories you have of Valerie because she was your wife, she was your love and probably still is your love. Seven and a half months is a drop in the ocean where grief is concerned. You have to get that grief out, you have to be allowed to grieve. You can cry, you can scream, you are allowed to talk about Valerie...she was the other half of you.

Maybe you do need to date, but not date in a romantic sense, but date a woman who will understand your grief...who will give you her ear and allow you to talk about Valerie. There are lots of women out there who would understand and who would support you in your grieving time. She would be there to listen...to hold you when you felt alone...and maybe with time you will find that this woman who you confided in could be the very person you could fall in love with. You may have to date several women to find the one who is understanding enough to accept you where you are at right now. Dont be afraid....people will know how confused and sad you are...they dont expect you to be the perfect date with wining and dining. Dont underestimate the value in having a woman friend who you can confide in. Be honest with her...tell her you are still grieving and the most you can give them right now is your friendship...but more than that, you need their friendship and understanding. You need a confidante right now....a woman, preferably, because I dont think a man would understand as much as a woman could....but be totally honest with her and you will eventually find a woman who will accept you on your terms. An intelligent woman will know you will not always be grieving and there will come a time when you are ready to re-join life and need the things a single man does need, but right now, all you need is someone you can trust, who will listen to you, who will comfort you when you are down. You need a most excellent friend right now. I hope you find her because you need someone right now.

I feel for your situation, I really do. And as much as we talk about equality, it is always harder for a man to express his deepest feelings, but when you meet the right person, you will find it easy to be honest with your feelings, simply because she will expect nothing more from you than total honesty....there are caring women out there who will understand exactly where you are coming from.

I wish you all the very best, and I am so sorry for your loss.

Answer 8

You go ahead and grieve as long as you need to. Everyone is different and tell your well-meaning family you love them but to be patient with you. The love of your life is hard to get over.

Answer 9

im sorry for your loss, but it just take time, it diffent for everyone
when someone that they love dies, but dont let others rush you
to do somethiing that you are not ready to do, when you ready
to get out there then you will. just take it one day at a time and
then you will see that you can open up to peoople when the
time is rignt for you. good luck to you.

Answer 10

take it a step at the time at your own pace.. keep your chin up and keep going. she wouldnt want you to be frustrated and feel this way ..its going to be ok..it just takes time and effort and friends and just trying to keep on going and doing and keeping busy . you will be fine and things will fall into place just keep trying thats all anyone can tell you and the rest is up to you..