I'm so nervous to ask... please answer carefully...?

Question

I am 30 years old with a 4 year old kid, and have been married for 4 years. I became engaged to my husband only 3 months after we met. When I met him, I was rebounding from someone else, and was hooking up with several guys. He wanted to take care of me and I let him.

He is a good person, and his world revolves around me. He treats me like a queen and is 100% committed to me. However, I was NEVER really sexually attracted to him. In the last 2 years we have had sex 4 times. The counselor says I can "choose" to become attracted to him, and "grow passion". I have tried, I have tried everything :( How long shall I try? Forever? I am his first love, and he would wait forever for me. He says he would rather live in a sexless marriage with me, than us get a divorce. But, I can't help but feel deep within myself that we both deserve a marriage that isn't just a friendship.

Is marriage EVER a mistake, or should I continue to live with the hasty decision I made?

Oh, and, it's not my sex drive. I'm always been a sexual person and continue to have attractions to other people. I would not cheat though... I would get a divorce first.

To answer the question "what is it I am not attracted to" about him: I'm just not attracted to him. Sort of (in a way) like the way you are not attracted to a cousin, or someone of the same sex. It wasn't a conscious choice I made. (I love him, but love and sex are two different feelings). I can't tell him to do anything, or change anything about himself because chemistry happens in the brain. I mean, a person can be attracted to tall men but that doesn't mean they want to have sex with ALL tall men. Yes, it is sad on so many levels.

Answer 1

I think allot of us have done what you have. Just as I'm sure there are allot of people who are going to have some negative things to say. But I have been in your shoes years ago. I had one baby that was about a year old and this guy fell in love with me and I was so happy that someone wanted me being divorced mom at such a young age of 21. So I married him. I knew the night of the honeymoon that I didn't love him, But I liked him in in such a deep way. I told him the truth and he said I would learn to love him. Well I stuck with it and I did fall in love with him and I could see myself growing old with him i pictured the rest of my life with him. He was my every waking thought. I was so happy that I never thought that I could be that happy. And one day he came home from work and said that he wanted his freedom. That he never had a chance to be free and all the crap. He told me he loved me and that I was a perfect wife and not to feel like it was me. But he had to do this. Well needless to say. i thought I would die. I must have sat in that house and waited for him to make up his mind for several months. Until one day I just couldn't take the pain anymore and i ended it my self. It took me several years to get over this man. And I always thought about how I didn't love him in the beginning. hope this helps you.

Answer 2

This is a tough one, no doubt about it, but yes, I do believe that sometimes marriage is indeed a mistake. My first one was. It was a terrible decision made at a time in my life during which I should not have made such a move. But I did, and I went through a lot of the feelings you are describing, including the complete absence of desire for sex (even though I am a very sexual person). I kept trying to make the "choice" of which your counselor speaks and became incredibly frustrated when I couldn't. I read those relationship books about love being a choice, and felt like maybe something was wrong with me that I couldn't do it.

Finally one day I read a book on relationship ambivalence. I think it was called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." I highly recommend it. The book has you work through a number of questions, the answers to which can help you make up your mind what is right for you. The first question was, essentially: "At its best, was your relationship every really good?" I had to say no, it had been distant and disconnected since the day we got married. The book's response was: If it was never good, it is unlikely ever to get better. You can often fix what was broken, but not what never worked in the first place."

I read this and saw the truth so clearly. It made so much sense.

I did leave my husband. It was difficult, and we did not end up being friends. However, we have both remarried and are both much happier with our new spouses.

I don't know if this helps, but maybe it might make you feel a little better to know that you're not the only one to have gone through this. Good luck.

Answer 3

I can imagine how your husband is feeling not good enough and i can imagine the low self esteem this is causing. If your not attracted to him i don't know why you two even married in the first place. You say you love him what is it that you love about him? I think it was a mistake for you two to get married because a couple should get married if they love each other and are attracted to each other. In this case it seems like you vowed to be with him forever give him no sex and see other men the way you don't see your own husband and he is supposed to be ok with it all. I understand rebounds happen BUT, you don't marry a rebound that only makes the divorce rates higher and it makes both parties very very unhappy. I would suggest a marriage counselor but i think you should find someone that you are attracted to sexually and let your husband find someone else i think he deserves as anyone does deserve to find a person not only to love but to be loved and loved sexually too. Honestly, do you think this is fair to your husband? If this was your husbands problem would you want sex with someone that didn't find you physically attractive i mean seriously i can imagine that feels like **** and makes a person feel really bad about themselves.

Answer 4

So in other words you are using him:
So this guy treats you like a queen and you want to give it up. For what? Do you know how hard it is to find a man that treats a women with respect? Thank your lucky stars that you can be honest with this guy. He is doing you right and you want a divorce because he don't turn you on in bed. GET OVER IT! Their is a child involved why should she suffer because you want to be selfish.
Try a few things before you walk out and give up.
1 Drink some wine or beer or something before you go to bed.
2 Maybe you can get a pill that will make you horny.
3 Close your eyes and picture a different face.
4 Watch a adult movie might help don't know.
If nothing really works for you then maybe you should go.
All I ask is that you consider everyone involved not just how you feel.
If you can't fall in love with him at all and you feel this deep down. Maybe you should go before he gets hurt even more. Try leaving for a week and see if you even miss him maybe you really do care and just don't know it.

Answer 5

Listen to this very carefully.

You should consider yourself luck to be married to a friend. Sex is a secondary part of a relationship, hell it might even be like down to number 15 or 20 in my book.

What would you do if you went for somebody you were sexually attracted to, then he/she was involved in a very serious car accident and was no longer physically able to have sex?

Sexual desire is a neat thing, but do not bank on that alone. It sounds like you have a pretty good guy, why would you get rid of a good guy who will stick with you when you are 90 and can't screw anymore? Makes no sense to me at all. Think long term here.

Marriage takes alot of work to keep the fire burning and to relight the fires. Once the fun sex is done with somebody else, then what do you do?

Answer 6

Personally, I would argue with your therapist about "choosing to love" ... in my opinion, love is something that happens naturally between a man and a woman ... it's not just something that can happen with the flick of a lightswitch. While your husband sounds totally devoted to you, remember that marriage should be a two-way street ... this may sound a little selfish, but there has to be some rewards for you in a relationship (more than just sex ...).

You have explained that you "can't help but feel that we deserve a marriage that isn't just a friendship" ... I believe you have answered your own question ...

Answer 7

You only have one life to live - and I think passion is supposed to be a part of it. You aren't doing anyone any favours by staying in this relationship. He deserves to be with someone that wants to climb all over him. You deserve to have toe-curling sex, and your child deserves to see his parents happy and thriving. Not just existing. I spent 10 years in a loveless marriage "for the children". After leaving, my son mentioned on day "Mummy, you're so happy now". I knew then I had made the right decision for everyone. My ex has a girlfriend that he's been with for years, and I feel a sense of freedom that I wouldn't have otherwise. Life if short. Make the most of it.

Answer 8

Wow. What a lovely man you have. I have been married 23 years and its a good marriage with a good man. But let me tell you sex isn't everything.

It seems to me that you are worried that you are not good enough for him. Let him be the judge of that. You can't seem to get past the idea that you married him for the wrong reason. But you can make it right. Just because you married him for the wrong reason doesn't mean he is the wrong man. I would try a different counsellor, who could have a different approach, that might work for you. Your husband needs to do research on how to get you in the mood. Check out Dr. Phil's website www.drphil.com . Best wishes.

Answer 9

As a mental health counselor, I tell my patients that there is 'erotic imprinting' that is, internally what we are attracted to--physically, emotionally and sexually. I know alot of counselor say you can 'become attracted' but I don't totally agree with that. If it hasn't happened in this many years, it very well might not. Attraction is a deeply researched area and quite frankly, we aren't 100% sure about how those things work!

Answer 10

This marriage was not a mistake hon because you made a valid choice to marry him for better or for worse. Why in the world did you marry him if you did not love him in the first place. To me you need to make the best of your choice and live with it. he has done nothing to deserve this or to have you want to divorce from him. You need to be the wife that you need to be to and for him. You seem very selfish to me.