Marriage Trouble! Help?

Question

Okay, I think me and my husband have come to one of those monumental moments that define whether or not our relationship is going to work. He basically is living in California working as a nurse and going to school for the next 2 years. I am still living in our home in La. We both agreed before he pigeonholed himself into this mess that it was not affordable for us to both live in calif. It's not to expensive for him up there b/c he has 3 room mates. ANYWAY.. my question is this...I feel in my heart we have chosen different paths in life....we are not seeing eye to eye. I THINK the divorce is the answer ...so how come I miss him? and...do I miss him...or just a warm body?? It's been 50 days since we last saw one another. Anybody with a little insight? Am I just lonely or still in love? (dont expect u to read my mind..but just wondering what you think?) Thanks.

Colleen, It's Oakland.

We've been married for 6 years and he and his room mates had this bright idea to work in Cali..and make the big bucks and the spouses would live in our home state.

Thanks, Ashley it is tough! The hardest part is that he moves away and now basically makes me feel like I'm an added stressor to his "already stressful situation."...b/C I was never happy about this career move.

Slaton, I agree. That's why I never understood how he could willingly want to live this way. I sure didn't.

Floresa , Thanks. He made this move 11 months ago, and it just has been going downhill ever since. YES, IM LONELY! But, does it really make sense to sell my home ...move to a state that costs soo much more...and go back to a 1 bedroom apt.?..

Thanks, sweetheart. I wish he was receptive. But, what I've been getting is "I'm so stressed, I don't have time to be romantic"
...

And, Debi..you could be right on the money. I question how he could choose to walk away from this marriage..that's how I see it. He says No..it was just opportunity. So..maybe our love was never strong enough. good point.

sorry, about that's what I think. How could he choose to work thousands of miles away and come home so infrequently? That hurt! I know military people do it..but that wasn't in the cards for us...it was just some couple of week plan..that actually took place and now is taking over my life!

Answer 1

So lets get this straight! He wanted to move to California to go to school. Why they don't have schools where you live. Oh let me guess they have better schools. Right
You both should have been in agreement, not just what he wanted. Because now he can do as he pleases with out your knowledge. Like they say what she don't know won't hurt her. I don't know you or him but I do know this. He was & is willing to leave you behind, you are not his prority & never will be unless you make it happen. But then again do you want to force him to be with you & then him resent you later.
You need to tell him that you are not going to live, like you are for the next 2 years, he either wants to be with you or he don't his choice. Tell him you are not going to be married to a man that you only see every 3 months.
If he really wants to be with you he will find a way for you to be with him. I honestly thinks he likes the aragement the way it is no wife around, he can go home every once in while just to keep you in check. Thats a little unfair he is not putting nobodys needs first just his own.
I am sure that he will go along with a devoice or else he would have came home a long time ago.

Answer 2

You knew this would be hard before you mutually agreed to do it. You both agreed it was too expensive, but in the end did you both agree to go ahead and do this? If yes, then that's what you do. If no, he already chose his different path and you're waiting for someone who isn't returning. However, I would venture to say you both agreed to his schooling, knowing it would difficulte, but just not quite as difficult as it really is... It comes down to this.... Did you mean the vows you took when you devoted your life to him? Looking at the big picture of life, this span of a couple years is nothing. The best analogy I ever heard for love is that it is like a bank -- you each have a love account and there are deposits and withdraws made in your account. All the sweet little gestures you do for each other, time spent, etc. are deposits and then any arguments or nasty glances, etc are withdraws. Well, it's hard for someone who isn't there to make deposits, huh? Your love account is going dormant from not being used! But, if you talk things over with him, and if he is responsive, then he can be sure to be a little creative so you can feel his love even while you are apart - does that make sense? Are you doing small things for him, too, so that he always knows how much you care? Mail a card, have his favorite pizza delivered, send an I miss you package with his favorites... anything! Spend some time investing in your relationship instead of dwelling on divorce...

Answer 3

i really think you need to have a serious talk . and look at your options. why can't you move to cali as well. i don't understand that part. maybe you have different goals and i would question why he's living life like a college student and not as a husband. i would plan a surprise visit to see what's up. make sure you have your own accomodations so you're covered if you get the biggest surprise you might find. i wish you the best but you should take care of this soon b/c it's a big decsion and well you need to know if you have to start moving on and decide if your careers are more important than your marriage. you can't make a marriage work by living separate lives.

Answer 4

Remember marriage takes work. I know you don't want to hear this, but only you & your husband can decide what is best. The longer you are apart (time & distance) the more difficult it will be & that is why you are feeling lonely. You both are not there for each ther to communicate, spend time together, be intimate, and just do the little things together. 50 days is a long time, but many people have still made it work (e.g. Miliary on leave). Just give it some time before you make any drastic decisions as this will be one of your biggest decisions you'll make in your life. Good luck!

Answer 5

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Answer 6

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Answer 7

Why can't YOU move to California? Why can't YOU live with him and the room mates? Yeah the cost of living here can be high but if you look hard enough you can find affordable housing in decent areas. Sometimes you can find townhomes/condos for rent at reasonable rates. Also I would need to know what part of California he is in because there are areas of California where the cost of living isn't at all that high.

Answer 8

Well, after reading your question and having answered your previous question. I have to say that it sounds like you have already made up your mind. No one wants to be alone. If you both truly love each other and he is in a situation where he will be in California for a while, you both need to make whatever accommodations necessary to be together. I would live in a mobile home instead of my 2 story house just to be with the one I love. Being together is the most important thing.

Answer 9

Tough Question. No one wants to see an end to a marriage. Maybe spend a Weekend, with just the two of you. Romantic, and such. See if the sparks are still there. I wish you luck!

Answer 10

i am at the age that i have had enough time to be in many types of relationships-. infatuation, sexual attraction,rebound, need for comfort and security,lonliness relationships, and etc.and then i have been in love.real love. and believe me,i knew it. it was different than the others,though they all have some similar characteristics. you may actually not have a strong, true love for him. of course you have some love, and it is natural to miss him, but if you arent sure,my experience tells me that you are not. thats not to say that it cant grow and become a real love, i just dont think you are feeling it now. best wishes