Does this sound suspicious to you?

Question

Ok, my best friends husband said something to her yesterday that kinda bugged me. I've known her all my life, and I love her dearly. Shes a newlywed, and has a bad history with guys, so as nice as her hubby seems, his comment sent up a red flag to me.

She and I were hanging out. She had her hair back in a ponytail. When he got home, his first comment to her was "Whats this?!" In reference to her ponytail. He prefers her hair long, and worn down. He tried to act non-chalant about it, but it was clear to me that its an issue with him. Am I just being silly? I just feel its ridiculous for her to have to defend her hairstyle to him, because she was relaxing, and the apartment was hot. Maybe its just beause my hubby is so easy-going about that kind of stuff with me, that it seemed weird for him to get his panties bunched over her hair. Shes even told me that she wants to cut her hair, but they "compromised" by saying that she would leave it long until they have their first

child. I used to work for the Center Against Rape and Domestic Violece, and little controlling tendencies like that were big red flags. What is your input? I'm not going to get in the middle of anything, unless my friend is in real danger, I'm just wanting to know if anyone else finds it a little creepy.

Answer 1

RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG !Someone needs to beat HIS a.s.s.

Answer 2

He's not crazy about the pony tail and his comment has you bummed to the point of compromising to make him happy? This is not in and of itself an exclusive clue to hidden control. Perhaps passive-aggressively in finding fault with the hair when another issue is the real, yet unconscious cause. Are other 'little' things happening that alone would seem harmless but clustered are potential danger signals? His he miffed when you are a second late with anything? Does he monitor your friends, work schedule, phone calls, e-mails, Internet log? Has he installed spy ware to track your on line habits for fear who you'll chat up or what you'll say about him? Fault finding, how bad is it? Does he tell you how to dress? Does he 'just happen' to be wherever you are? Does he ask normal questions or more like a police interrogator? Like, "Who were you with, where did you go, what did you do, how long did it take"? Truly controlling nature is not a blip but a pattern. If this truly is a serious concern, get help, consult someone you trust with your life, in case this person needs to become your safety net. If hubby does not think he has a problem but the problem is with you...that's a clue to how close this can turn into a real problem beyond being a bummer. Get a support network, research psychological abuse to rule it out, and listen to your gut.

Answer 3

you know we are all atracted to different things in people...if your husband suddenly colored his hair hot pink and got tattoos all over his body (unless you are both into it, then it is an example please dont take offense) changed his appearance would it bother you?
I think that this kind of covers the cutting the hair thing...although I also see the other side of it. I had a man try to tell me I "couldnt cut my hair". I personally showed him the door...I think that it is okay to tell a significant other what you like or would prefer...but not give orders.
That would probably send up a red flag for me too...just because of my history....but I guess it would depend on his tone.
I say, keep an eye and ear open...does he have a problem with her spending time with friends...if they are just married and he is a control freak...it will probably start to escalate...and she might not even realize it is happening...if you say something to her she might get offended....so, be patient and listen carefully...she is lucky to have a friend that is concerned about her!

Answer 4

Yep, and as u know it starts small and then gets bigger with time. Sounds like she may be in trouble. But, u r doing the right thing to stay out of it for now. U want her to feel comfortable enough with u to tell u should things get worse and if you raise a big stink, she will take his defense because she is in denial right now.
U know what to do and how to handle the situation as u were in the position and know what to look for.
But yea, ur right. Its the beginning. Just watch close for escalating signs and b her friend. Shes gonna need ya and if you support her, she will feel comfortable enough with u to come to u when she needs u the most.
Thank God for friends like u. Good luck to u, and best wishes to her.

Answer 5

Personally I think you are reading WAY too much into this and quite frankly it's not your business. If your friend was concerned about it I would think she'd have said something to you. I know my husband says that he likes long hair and that he wants me to keep mine long...but when I cut it he didn't turn into a raving lunatic that beats his wife...which is the way you're acting like your friend's husband would be. If this is all your basing your opinion on then you really need to cut the guy some slack.

Answer 6

yeah, weird. If a guy said that to me, I would say 'well, there is the door, come through when you can say something nice. I don't need to explain myself to you. Take me or leave me, but I won't defend who I am'. Okay sounds like I am over reacting.. but I had controling silbings and partents who think I owe them explainations for stuff.. and then I realized, I don't owe them anything. they can accept me or get out of my life. That is wierd. I hope she didn't defend herself. She should just go cut her hair. Would the guy get a haircut just for her until their first child???

Answer 7

hmmmm, i agree, whith out getting into to much detail i will explain a little about my sister, who was not as lucky as i , to have a wonderfull husband,

my sister who is beautifull and a very smart minded person, she married the only man she ever been with, they were together since teenagers, once they got married, about two weeks later, her husband threw out all her make up, and told her she was to beautifull to wear that anymore, and besides she was a married women, she acceted that as a complament from her husband and stood up for him, 6 months later, she got her usual hair cut, he told her why would she need to cut her hair, and who was she trying to impress, and her hair was beautifull and to let it grow long and to never cut it again, she agreed, just before the holiday she bought herself a new pants suit and he again asked what was wrong with the old outfit she had for years, he said i like you in that and made such a fuss my sister returned the outfit back to the store, all this and probally many more things she probally kept to themselves, i worried so much about her, when she got pregnate he forced her to leave her job, become a stay at home mom, and he moved her and the family to a romote area, my sister had slowly lost all contact with the family, she had no phone and he took the only vehical, in the end he gave her money for grocery, followed her in the supermarket, started asking the kids if mommy talked to anyone, my sister became a shell of herself and became very shy and timid, ten years later he walked in the house and asked her to leave and she was not allowed to take the kids, she walked 11km to the nearest house used the phone and my other sister picked her up, we later learned about the abuse she suffered and the mental remarkes he made to her on a daily basis,

11 years now she has been free of her ex husband, and she got custody of her kids immediatly aftyer the incedent, as it became apparent he had a lover for many years, she now is in a happy healthy relationship, and she stands up for herself, she is respected and has respect in her self, she now councils women who have been in her situation, she always said "IF" i would of stood up for myself on that first day with the makeup maybe then it would not of gotten as far as it did, because he would of known she had courage to say what she felt and beleived in...

i am so happy she found happiness and i pray your friend does not go to that extream

Answer 8

NO... it does not. They made a compromise... stay out of it. He was probably just not used to seeing her hair up. It's not like he "made" her take it out. THAT would be controlling. He just happens to love her hair.. nothing wrong with that.. Some girls are butt ugly without their hair.. maybe that was the first thing that attracted him to her in the first place.

Answer 9

He's controlling - yes. But, stay out like you said until necessary.

Answer 10

Of all the things for you to concern yourself with in the world, you've picked the way your friend's husband prefers her to wear her hair? You're kidding, right?

Answer 11

It sounds really controlling to me. I fI were you, I would just watch out to see if anymore red flags pop up and then you may really see if he is controlling her or not.