Should I Back Away?

Question

I've been friends with a wonderful man for nearly 12 months, recently though I have been having more than friend type feelings for him.

The man in question has been married for 4 years and has two kids 6 and 3, he's admitted that the marriage is in trouble.

He has confessed that he has feelings for me but doesn't know what to do about them, he says he doesnt love his wife anymore but has his kids to consider.

Should we give into our feelings and start having an affair or should I back away from this wonderful man.

Answer 1

You probably won't listen to any of the advice given to you but I thought you could use one more opinion. First make sure you keep this question of yours because a year from now or maybe more you need to see this question again and see where you are in this relationship. I did the same stupid, moronic thing you are contemplating. I became "friends" with this man who was separated from his wife and his child. They moved back to a different country so he needed a friend. Needless to say 4 years later and a lot of damn tears, he went back to his wife. Whether you are a religious person or not, this will backfire on you I promise you that. The hurt, betrayal, bitterness is still with me every damn day and every day I try to find the "cure" to get over the anger and resentment. I got what was coming to me because I am a "believer" and now I am paying the price. So do yourself a HUGE favor and back off and I mean way off because I promise you it will not turn out good. Now you can continue to believe that your relationship with this married man "will be different" but if you continue to believe that crap you are going to be one hurt , bitter woman and that I promise you. I really hope you don't do this. Email me if you want to know what hurt looks like after he goes back to his wife. I will give you the gory details. It isn't pretty.

Answer 2

Take a step back... The 2 of you should agree to a cooling off period of 1 year in that time each of you do some soul searching. This will give him time to work on his marriage or make the decision that he wants to leave. Don't be the reason for the divorce. If you were his wife you would want to know that he was honest and told you the truth (that he wanted out) not that he got caught f---ing around!!!!!

You have nothing to lose at this point by stepping away an admission of feelings is nothing more than that, the issue/concern happens when you get into the what if's or start an affair.

If you choose to start the affair know that this is a very rocky road filled with lies and heartache for you.

The saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Sometimes our wonderful man is married to someone else but he has the ability to change his present to shape his future.

Answer 3

He probably is a "wonderful man", but to be honest, he's only been married four years and was obviously with his wife a lot longer than that. He needs to try a bit harder at his marriage.

Four years marriage and they have marriage "trouble" doesn't say much for him, especially as he has been seeing you, as a friend, behind his wifes back for 12 months.

If you did have an affair with him you would find the emotional strain too much and as his 'friend' now lover, even harder to cope with.

If you went for the affair and it got out, his wife, who I bet at the moment, thinks nothing out of the ordinary is wrong, will be an emotional wreck, the children will suffer badly because the atmosphere in the home will be awful and it will just make a simple problem turn into a war.


I honestly believe this man will stay with his wife. He does care for you but I think he justs needs a woman - you're the woman that can take away the stress, you give excitement (or will).

No..... I think you need to back off until he has made up his mind what he wants to do and does it. Leave his wife if that's what he wants, but leave because of the problems, not because there's another woman in his life.

I wish you both well for the future

Answer 4

Ouch a sore one.
1. Does he tell you that they don't have a relationship?
2. If so he is lying - why would he still be there.
3. Does he tell you that he has feeling for you other than friends?
4. He is trying to suss you out.
5. If he has been doing this behind her back for 12 mnths?
6. What makes you think that he won't do it to you? Cause he will.
7. The grass is always greener on the other side.
8. All marriages go thru probs expecially when there are such young children involved.

Ask you self this - if he was single would you still fancy him?
Do you know if he has bad habits like - pissing on the loo ring - snoring loudly - farting in you presence.
Having his 2 young kids round to your for "Sunday Visits" and you trying to be nice to them and they tell you straight - like inocent kids do " I hate you - you took away our daddy"
Also he would still have to spend time with "The Wife" parents nights - sick kids - Etc.. " the list is endless.
HAVE AN AFFAIR - WHO ARE YOU KIDDING - LEAVE WELL ALONE - IF HE LEAVES HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE IS UNHAPPY - AND THEN YOU GET TOGETHER SOME TIME LATER WHEN THE AIR IS CLEAR AND THE HEAD IS CLEAR - THEN FINE.
IF NOT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE LOOKING OVER YOU SHOULDER WONDERING - WILL HE DO THIS TO ME.

Yes affairs sound exciting - if you live in a fantasy land - GET REAL - this can only turn out like a car crash.

P.S. Spare a thought for the woman who is bringing up his 2 beautiful kids and providing a safe and happy home for them and putting food on the table for her hard working hubby when he gets home tired. Oh and who by the way - he most likely shows great affection to and makes love to regular.

Answer 5

If you think that you are not wrecking a Marriage just because the guy said that he and his wife do not get along and they are together, because of their two kids, is a lot of Baloney! What makes you think that if he does leave, his Wife for you, he will not do the same thing he is doing to her? You also say,should you give into your feelings and have an affair with him, or should you back away, from this what? wonderful man, what is wonderful about him, the fact that he is putting his wife down, or because he acts like you are the most wonderful woman on Earth? If you value yourself BACK, AWAY! as fast as you can, do this wonderful wife a favor and tell her about her Husband and You, Hear her side of the Story as you will find out that he does not have any wonderful in him.

Answer 6

I don't think you should get involved in that sort of relationship with him until he's completely broken things off with his wife. Otherwise both you and her may end up getting hurt, not to mention the kids. I say back away for a while and let him spend some time on his marriage, go to counseling or whatever, and see if he can work things out with her first, especially since he has the kids to consider. If you give him time to do this and it doesn't work out and he does leave her, then the two of you can get together and you'll know that he really is committed to you. Plus if your relationship gets serious his kids will probably be more accepting of you if you come into his life after the marriage is over, instead of being the one to break things up. And in the long term, he won't ever wonder if he would have stayed with his wife if it hadn't been for you, since he'll have a chance to make those two decisions separately.

Answer 7

I know how you feel...kinda been there before. BUT...He needs to realize that the kids are better off if they divorce because staying in a loveless marriage is not doing anyone any good, especially if he knows it's irrepairable and he really loves you. So...he needs to do the right thing and leave her for you and do it peacefully. Find some way to let her down easy. Just speak the truth and she's got to accept it, unless she's a psycho or something. Why would she want him to stay if he's unhappy and loves you ? So...he needs to leave and the kids will be fine as long as he remains a constant part of their life after the divorce. He probably doesn't want to pay child support, is that it ? That happens with a lot of men. They're afraid to leave because of the consequences. It's sad that they feel trapped when it makes no sense to stay. Some women are so wounded by the thoughts of divorce that they try to latch on however they can. That's sad, too. Well...good luck to you all.

Answer 8

Don't have an affair. If he wants to end his marriage, then that's fine. You may even go as far as hinting that you would be there for him if he was single, but don't be a release for his troubled marriage, let it live or die on it's own, not by your hand. He may never leave his wife, if he has you as a "bit on the side".

Also consider, if he did eventually leave his wife, and get serious with you, you have to ask two questions, was his marriage as bad as he claimed, or did he just like the idea of you more? Less stress and no kids? And also will he then do the very same thing to you a few years down the line if your relationship gets as complex as his marriage???

Answer 9

If you have been friends for 12 months, you should know by now that he is playing with you. He is not trying to be friends with you. He is feeling you out and seeing that your available whenever he wants to get together. If he hasn't filed for divorce within the last 12 months he has no intention of filing within the next 12 months either. Why would he file and end up paying for a divorce, child support for 2 kids he dearly loves when he can have you feel sorry for him and give him the attention he believes he is entitled too. The saying goes like this: The grass is always greener on the other side and Girl your the grass on the other side of that fence. Your making the situation worse by letting him pout on your shoulders instead of telling him to go home seek counseling and work it out. Flat out he's creating his own marriage problems because when he finally does get home she is probably anger with him for being out so late with his so called (Friends) like you, I'm sure she knows nothing about you otherwise he would already have been hit in the head with DIVORCE papers. Let me ask you something you think he's such a wonderful guy and that his wife should be treating him better than she does. Has it ever occured to you that SHE gets no time to spend with him because he's out prowling around with you. That makes you some friend and just as responsible as he is for them having marriage problems. If he's out with friends, how can she do anything wonderful or with her husband????? Look in the mirror and you shall see the person whos really responsible for them having martial problems. You!!!!!!!!!!! And maybe you are only one of a dozen or so other women that he's tried this on before and finally he's found someone that is falling for his bullcrap. You call yourself a friend, well I'm telling you to be a good friend to his wife & kids and tell him to go home and grow up and be friends with his wife. Otherwise your the loser! I wouldn't back away if I were you, I would RUN!!!!!!!!!.

Answer 10

'Tis a matter to be handled gently, kindly and with great self-discipline.

To be fair to the both of you, I'd suggest that you tell this man that you're not going to be responsible for his leaving his wife and family. (Some men wait for the other woman to do the deciding for them, you know?) Give him the opportunity to make or break his marriage. This will take some time, and in the meantime, find yourself a new hobby, (preferably out of the area) and live your life as though he weren't in it any more.
If the time comes when he actually does get legally disentangled with his wife and comes looking for you again, and you then at that time still have feeling for him, then's the time to renew your relationship on a more intimate level this time.
Don't be the other woman and don't wait around for him to leave her. It doesn't work like that!
Make him make his own decisions so that it doesn't come back to haunt you down the road.
Good Luck. Life does go on!