Just curious to hear opinions or any constructivness on this poem i have wrote.?

Question

I'm the one who waits
I'm the one who believes
I'm the one who waits
In the pile of leaves

I'm the one who breaths
I'm the one who lives
I'm the one who breaths
In the sand filled pits

I'm the one who warms
I'm the one who hopes
I'm the one who warms
In the blistering cold

I'd save you from the storm
I'd help you become reborn
We'd fly through the clouds
And we'd be off those swallowing grounds

Answer 1

I like it..... It almost sounds like Metallica. Has great rhythm.
Perhaps:"I`d save you from the storm
I`d help you become reborn
We`d fly through the clouds
off swallowing grounds....
off swallowing grounds......

Well, the tone of it is like in Po`s sonets...
Good work.

Answer 2

the last line in the second stanza '...sand filled pits' just doesn't work because it doesn't flow with the rest of the poem. It's like a sudden pause mid-poem.
Although it's quite easy to know how the poem is read, you might also like to try to use commas, fullstops etc - I emphasise on this on the poems i read; they're just as important.
The last stanza... just doesn't work for me, esp. the last two lines. Maybe shorten the 'become' to 'be'. The last line is too long; too many syllables. Somehow the 'And' also ruins it. I think I'm also having a generally problem with you using ''d' in I'd and we'd. There's too much stress on the tongue when saying it out - it doesn't flow with the previous stanzas, which were softer.

Answer 3

First, I want to help you with your grammar. It is improper to use wrote with have. They are different tenses. You should have said "have written" instead of have wrote, okay.
Next, the poem has promise, but the last line completely throws the whole thing off. The last line makes the rhythm wrong and as a whole basically messes up the whole poem! There are too many words in the line. Change that line and you have a winner!

Answer 4

I find it a bit repetitive. Also, what does it mean? Why are you waiting in the leaves? What are the leaves? Why are the grounds swallowing?

Answer 5

its nice im a writer myself. i would change it a little, ur useing too much "I'm the one", go to poetry.com and look up my work type in amanda cuellar in the search bar there and my poem is called fire and water.

Answer 6

i think its real sweet if it is for someone you really care about! but i think you should take the second line that has been used twice. good luck cause if you change it its really hard to make it the way you planned it!!

Answer 7

To self involved.