What do you think of my poem below?

Question

Detention

a clock ticks while dust falls
and time doesn't care, can't care
and nor do those who left in the sweet hurry scuffle of home time
only I, pondering, alone
mental wandering, alone, care
detained again - and for what purpose?
detained again - for the same old reason...
for the want of freedom, given captivity,
seemingly pointless captivity
the summer sun - bleak from in here, inside the old room -
no lights on, no sound, just dust and emptiness
the summer sun reveals a sharp line of dust
and beauty is for a moment captured
captured like the faded coloured card of yesterdays art
yesterdays dreams, and fun and passion
sad, lonely detention
ever bleak, longing not to be here, alone
but more than alone, alone with the feeling of being left behind
abandoned, disregarded
a clock ticks and dust falls
how dare I be free?
ah, sweet insolent quest for freedom earned me this:
the right to think independently in this school
a clock ticks and dust falls...I win

Answer 1

A bit pretentious . Seems you are too concerned with trying to be poetic .
You dealt nicely with the subject . I liked the tone .
" A clock ticks , dust falls " is an effective line .
Share again , please .

Answer 2

I like the way your mind wanders freely within the poetic idiom.... it is quite lyrical ....and I like the way you stop and muse for a moment on the moment and then it takes flight again into yet another dimension ... you also have a really nice strong command of the English language ...it is not easy to make the English language into anything poetic because the sounds are harsh and the images usually jarring .... but you really did manage


it is absolutely teriffic! and, you did win!!! Turning something into a good thing, rather than punishment ....

Please write more ...Please see to it that you have a lucrative profession so you can write and not starve ... unless that is no problem....for your sake I hope it is so ...


Peace & Love

Answer 3

the clock ticks the feeling of emptiness disregard detention dusty alone one must fly to new surrounding of were it is bright and airy let the pain go and open the new window to your life my Friend don't torture your self go change be free open the new porthole to life maybe not at this moment depending on the detention? but work towards it be free and yes it is a lovely poem but sad start a new one on a new outlook see my book you little bastard on lulu.com and life id what you make it i had pain no more i opened my mind and went forth Dave

Answer 4

Like it-quest for freedom got you captivity-now there is a contradiction of terms but I see how it can happen.
Deep but explanatory. Great for a school kid. Keep it-put it in a special book of your own poetry/writing and keep it forever.
Keep up the good work. From and Old school detainee.

Answer 5

i like the way u describe and personafy many things. u also have a talent for describing and adding adj to simple terms but the poems seems to run and it really doesnt make sense. i think u can break it up, keep it simple and make 2 out of that 1. You are really good so dont take this to heart, this is just my opinion.

Answer 6

i could be so very wrong but are u, or have you been incarcerated in any kind of institution it sounds very much like you feel misunderstood but told u are something other than what u believe and became confused . what happens when the clock stops clicking. sounds like it is what you are waiting for?
for myself indoctrination has a lot to answer for.

Answer 7

Excellent.

Answer 8

Its quite good actually, but can summer sun ever really be described as 'bleak'?

Answer 9

Great poem. Everybody loves a winner. Good for you.

Answer 10

I like it but you shouldn't post any of your poems on here. People will copy it and pass it off as their own.