Why can't I find the strength to leave my verbally abusive husband?

Question

I've been married for 17yrs. and have 2 daughters, ages 6yrs & 11yrs old. My mother recently died and I have no one emotional support or family. My husband calls me horrible names, belittles me and chastizes me in front of anyone including my girls. He also goes through my things, hides or destoys my belongings and lies to me about everything. He only gives me a small amount of money to provide for my girls and bills. Of which is not enough to provide. I don't know what he does with the majority of his income. He won't tell me. I have woken up on several occasions to him whispering terrible things in my ear. I pretend to stay sleeping. He threatens to take my girls away from me constantly. I have no resources, no friends, and no family. I'm so depressed and at a loss. Please help me.

Answer 1

Why can't you leave him???...a no brainer.

You have what is called the abused (battered)spouse syndrome, where you have concluded that you:
1. deserve nothing better,
2. and that what you know (abuse, lack of a loving relationship yadayada...) is better than striking out on your own, into the darkness.... and into the darkness, is scary,----- at least where you are it is predictable --- horrible, but predictable.
3. You have trapped your self by having no money, and deciding that it is therefore impossible for you to leave.

There are thousands of women like you, sweetie, who are literally captives of horrible men.

And you have several choices, none great for a few years, but at least away from this jerk.
There are local women's shelters, where you can be safe, and your children safe, as well, but you have to have the nerve to hunt them down in the white pages of your phone book or your computer. They will help you with shelter, finding a job, and you then can go back to school. In three years of really hard work --- a job and school --- or less, you can have training good enough to support yourself, and your children..... the three years are going to pass anyway, you can use them to your advantage. or stay there and be in the exact spot today, as in Feb. of 2009 or 2010.... Short of people sending you money, or begging on the street, your future is in your hands, and cranking up enough courage to make it happen.

You write well, so you are not stupid. And dental hygienists earn more money per hour than most dentists they work for (in this town, $37.50/hr and I live in a little town) , as do other skills that don't require 6 or 7 years of schooling. You would need to check into local colleges to see where that training is offered, or even call a dentist's office in your area, and ask where that hygienist was trained, etc.

Getting out from under an awful situation that you have been in so long is difficult, because we are all creatures of habit.

From your note, here, you don't have a marriage (respect, admiration, passion and trust, along with lovies, kindnesses, doing things for each other, soft caresses, wine, watching the sunset, and all the other things that make for companionship....)
From your note, he has you as a financial captive, as are others in your situation... Thus counseling, or even mentioning to him would probably earn you a fist in the jaw... and I always wonder what drives a man to be that way to anyone, particularly the mother of his children.... most women are incapable of such behavior.

Good luck, hon, and write if you need more ideas.

Answer 2

#1 have you reported any of the abuses? My guess would be NO which is not good, cause you have no proof, but if you have then you should file a restraining order on him and make sure he can't hurt you. #2 Do you have any children together? If you answer YES then that is who you need to think about, if children grow up seeing their mommy getting hit then the tend to sway towards that lifestyle as an adult. I'm in criminal justice. It is called the trait theory. #3 Do you still love the guy? If that answer is yes then leave and insist that he see a counselor and don't come back untill he and you have had an appointment together and you feel safe to return home. There are plenty of shelters and homes for abused women, I know first hand. And they really aren't that bad. #4 LOVE yourself enough above all else and know that you do not deserve this treatment. I used to think it wa my fault till one day I woke up and I was getting choked because the truck payment came out of the bank and he thought I took the money. After that I did and I left. #5You are not alone in this you have to take up for yourself and by that I mean get away from this guy, he will hit you again, they don't just stop. You may have to be sneaky, but start saving money and get you a place to stay with security. #6 Stay strong and you will prevail, please don't ever think that you have nothing to live for because you have a purpose, one that you most likely have not ful-filled make sure you know you are important.

Answer 3

Abusers convince you to stay by brainwashing you into thinking that you can't live without him. The thing is: you can't live WITH him. Check into programs (abused women's shelter, churches, welfare, etc) and find out what your options are. I know it's hard and it seems impossible, but by this time next year, you'll be thanking God that you had the courage to do it. Also see if you can find a city or county program that provides therapists for free. You are suffering from depression and may need to go on medication for a short while.
Both you and your girls deserve better than this. If you continue, the girls will grow up thinking that this is how women are treated and they will fall into the same pattern. This is NOT true. Again, it will be hard for a while, but it will be worth it. You would be surprised at how willing churches are to help in situations such as this. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

don't let his ugly opinions of u define who u are as a person, he has kept u down for so long, u actually think this is okay. u don't leave him because your afraid of the future both emotionally and financially, u have no trust in yourself. first get a restraining order before filing for divorce, ask for child support, get a job too, any job will do for now. get in some self help group with others that are going through the same thing as u are. public assistance will help u also. with a part time job and the child support u may do just fine. better to live alone than in such a toxic relationship. what do u have to loose here, as the longer u stay with this monster the older u will get and the less chance u will have of finding someone again. he can't take your girls away, he keeps u down by saying all these things and u believe him. he has no such power. he is a little man who picks on those weaker than he is, and there are ways to get free of him. god did not intend for us to be unhappy he will help u find your path. good luck to u.

Answer 5

Hello,

It is because you have a low self esteem right now and cant see past the situation you are in or any way out of it. I was just like you about 12 years ago or so now so i can feel your pain and frustrations and fears. You are afraid of your husband and what he does to you and says about you. you feel like you are walking on egg shells around him all the time and if one breaks or cracks he gets mad am I right?I am here to talk if you need a listening ear and i can be a friend to you. I suggest you take the girls and leave him asap and get out as soon as possible as this is the best thing for you and the girls. GET OUT asap and dont look back. There is a free hotline number you can call at 1-800-799-7233 for help and advice as well. It is the abuse hotline. Also go to dr. Phils website at http://www.drphil.com and email him and Robin from there and ask them what you should do for help and see what advice and help that they have to offer. Also try to find counseling for you as well. It just may start to wake him up if you leave and seperate. File for divorce once you are out. I feel so bad for you right now and i am in tears over this one. Hugs to you today. Maybe you can go to a local church for help and guidance and prayer as well.

http://www.marriagetoday.org

Answer 6

Wow! i feel real sorry 4 u. my family is going through these problems too but im the daughter and not the wife. anyway i think what you should do is just take your time fro everything , enjoy the time with your kids. If you think that divorce is the best situation then you gotta do that because you dont want your children to see that and they wont be living happy and it wont be reall great. the only thing to do is divorced . i am soooo sory to tel you this because he goes htrough your things and -hes not trudtworthy i think yous hould divorce enough is enough you ahve to show whos the boss and also take care of your children oh and by the way if hes like that to you he cant take your children away dont worry about that, all u have to do is be stronger than him and hide everyhting and enjpy the times with your girls. i hope i helped or just made you feel better.

Answer 7

You need to get help, call a womens abuse hotline, and if you can some how record him saying these horrible things then you can get custody of your children. You also need to speak with a lawyer about getting the house divied up and him giving half of whats in his bank account. These things he's doing arent right. And you need to act quickly before he hurts you physically. Depending on the state you live in you need to know your rights, so you can take him for all you can get, you dont deserve this and neither do your children, and he doesnt deserve you. This needs to stop, and you may not be able to do it yourself.

Answer 8

Come to me and lets party the rest of our lives away. My wife died a year ago on, Jan 5 / 06.
I have not dated since.
Now I am stronger and know what I need and what I want.
I am now looking for another soul mate that loves long hair, Hogs, and a little excitement, and to be loved and wanted, care free and strong. With good looks and a high sex drive.
Come with me, and you will forget all about him in no time!

Answer 9

Many here have given some stellar advice. The only thing I can add is: don't be afraid to leave. You will survive. You will make it. The world won't come to an end. It will be just the beginning of an incredible, healthy new life for you.

Answer 10

I'm really sorry to hear this. You probably have ZERO self esteem right now and its hard to make a new start in life with no confidence to move forward. I think you should take your 2 girls and go to a wife abuse center. They are probably in the phone book in yoru area and let them help you. If you have no money they can help you to find a lawyer.