How can I feel that I am part of something bigger?

Question

I want to speak from my heart. I’m almost 30 years old, and I’m looking at my life and what it brought me.
I grew up in a communistic country, in extreme poverty. Before my siblings and I were taken away and placed in the orphanage, I was living with my family in the atmosphere of violence and physical and mental abuse. I left the country when I was 18, as I embarked on the journey of modeling. I’ve lived all over the world.
In that long and lonely journey and pursuit of happiness I attempted to take my own life several times; few times almost succeeded and last time I managed to come out of it with 2 major brain seizures.
In a desperate attempt of trying to find myself in this world, I missed my family for 8 years now. New members of the family have been born since, and I only know them through the pictures and the Internet video-camera. My family meant always a world to me, and yet in attempt to protect myself from being hurt, I managed to disengaged and withdraw myself from everybody. I noticed that I withdrew myself from the rest of the world as well. Few people that I allowed in my life brought me the familiar pain of rejection. I’m sitting home right now and waiting for my boyfriend to come and pick up his staff and leave. Not a good feeling.
My life in general forced me to look deep inside. I went there and I faced all my fears and all my emotions that I was trying so desperately to run away from. I tried my best to embrace myself and to accept myself for all that I am. I even tried to accept all my circumstances I found myself in, explaining myself that all that is a gift from the Universe, the gift that urges me to awake.
In doing so I even felt for a brief moment that everything is just the way it supposed to be and that I am just “perfect” the way I am. For a second I felt that I am not just who I think I am, but that I am part of a bigger thing; as if I was one with everything and everybody. In that moment circumstances didn’t mean anything at all, and all I could feel was the spirit of adventure and the excitement of being part of everything. For once I wasn’t afraid, for once I didn’t care about the outcome, as I trusted the bigger part of me to take care of everything. It’s almost as if I felt free.
How can I feel this way, if not all the time, at least most of the time? How can I feel free again? What can I do to turn my life around; from the single-lived insignificant life to a major adventure? How can I fulfill my purpose here? What can I do for myself and others that would be of significance? What can I do that would make a difference?

Answer 1

Life is not a game, it is not a song and dance. Life is only one thing, it is living.

Answer 2

ther is so many things you can do to make a difference in this world .starting with the things that will help you first so you can be strong and then when you are becoming strong you will start to have more insight,that will help you to recognize what is important to you .When you start to notice things that are happening in this world you will figure out what is important to you.You have to realize that taking your own life can never solve anything . I was a model untill I was married and now I have two boys and a husband I grew up in extreme poverty as well with my single mother and five children , she was dissowned by her family for marrying a man they did not approve of than he became an alcholic and she left him and was on her own ever after that then when I was older like 14 my mother obtianed some monetary wealth and so I began to identify with material ism and than when I was 19 we had a family crises our family lost every thing we owened and we are lucky to be alive .since then my life has been a battle to survive and the depression causes me to have to fight to stay possitive every day of my life .Most the friends I'v had in my life never really cared about me and allot of them used and then back stabbed me .I forgave them but they are not in my life I am a very young mom and i'm tall and thin and I don't really fit in with other moms because I still look so young and most people I'v met Are intimidated by me or threatened ,no matter how kind or wharm I try to be, so I don't have alot of friends that live near me .Any good friends I'v had in my life i'v lost contact with and don't know how to find and I know they probably don't have kids yet so i'm sure it would not be of anyuse to try to reconnect with them. and my familly has always lived far away accross the world so I have been by my self with my two kids and no real support/friendship from anyone.I am getting a divorce from my husband now andfeel allot like the way u described .All I can do is try to stay posative ,thats the best thing you can do .Find the beauty in any thing and everything you can and try not to think about all of the horrible things that have happened in your life .Mirracles happen every day .This life can get better and the way you can start to make that happen is by refusing to let sorrow and emptiness get the best of you .You know that I discoverd that the best revenge is happiness ,I really mean that, it works . god bless you and I will keep an eye out for your blogs on here .LOL

Answer 3

Go back to school. Finish your university education. Read all the great books of literature. Travel. Gain wisdom. Consider meeting with a skilled, gifted therapist to help you gain insight into what things drive you to be the way you are. Find good, close friends and bond with them. Become a teacher of younger people. Stay away from people who make you unhappy.

All of these things are ways to become the kind of person you want to be. When you have achieved that, the rest will fall into place.

Answer 4

Thank you- You are in the perfect situation for self realization. This world is not our real home. It is called Maya(illusion) and is temporary and full of misery. Only one fourth of the souls come here. We are not these bodies,IE; race, nationality, religion, mind, intellect, senses, job, etc. We are eternal souls, part and parcel of the Supreme Soul, also known as Krishna, Allah, Jehovah, Vishnu, etc. We have to reconnect with our Maker to actually be happy and realize our eternal constitutional position. Chanting the Maha Mantra (the great mantra for deliverance from all suffering and illuson) is the best way to get in touch with Him and realize real love and Joy. Go to harekrishnatemple.c Read Bhatavad Gita as it is By Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad- tells the purpose and meaning of life. Everything you have been through in your life it do bring you to this point of utter frustration with the material world and surrender to God. That is it. It is also ones karma from their previous lives activities. God knew we would misuse our free will which we would get the reaction and suffer which would eventually bring us to question our existance and He would give us the knowledge to guide us home. But one has to take up the process or they will continue the misery life after life. One has to understand karma and reincarnation to understand Gods all merciful loving nature. Otherwise everything seams cruel and it is without this understanding. Seek it out and you will become happy. I did. e-mail me if you have more questions. See the movei The Trueman show with Jim Carry- to get an understanding of the world being an illusion.

Answer 5

My Dear: As I read your question, I am brought to tears, except for the modeling career, and growing up in America, my life matches yours. I spent one night of my life wondering the same thing "Is this life all there is?" I knew there had to be something better out there, my heart yearned for it. I had married and raised 5 kids. I felt useless, lost, Then my heart screamed "God where are you? Why can't I find you, I know I need you to guide me. Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door, because of them I now have a life, of joy, abundance, [spiritual] a true family, and most of all I know I am truly loved by my God Jehovah, and all of the people, no matter where they are on this earth, who worship him. I hope you will investigate this, and find the happiness that I have.

Answer 6

Dear Elzbieta, You have opened your heart up to all of us. I am so moved that I can hardly speak so I am praying that our heavenly father will give me the words that you need to hear. Your life is a gift from God. You are so precious to him and now to me also. He came to our world in the form of a man named Jesus Christ. He lived and taught us by his actions and his words. You can find out for yourself what He did and how he wants us to live by reading the Bible. I know because I once lived a miserable and unhappy life until I met Him through the Bible. Now I have peace and happiness through all things that happen in my life. He is there with you right now. God never leaves us although we do leave him at times. We all do wrong things. This is called sin. No matter how good a person we are we are all guilty of sin. To find the peace that I have now you must ask God to forgive you of all of your sins through prayer. Then you ask Jesus to come into your heart and help you to turn away from sin. He will change your heart I promise. Study the Bible as much as you can. Also find a good church to go to. I will pray for you everyday. Our purpose in this life is to worship God. I am asking God to send angels to you to help you.

Answer 7

I loved your writing probilly talk later, trying to find my-self too & why not much contact to my children and as to if past things are really had too!