How can I get over my wife's promiscuous past?

Question

We have been married for 3 years and we mistakenly had the "past lovers" talk. I feel like pandora's box just opened up. I found out that she was not shy at all when it came to casual sex. She has had numerous one night stands, sex on the first date, sex with "friends with benefits". I am not even nearly as experienced as her. If you put her past on a scale with my past, it would tip very hard in her favor, enough to topple the scale.

And what really gets to me is that now I'm married to her. I feel that she shared herself with a whole lot of people for free, yet I'm here paying a premium (marriage) to be with her.

Am I crazy for feeling this way?

Answer 1

I fell sorry for you dude. In my honest opinion, the majority of women these days are like this. They feel that it is acceptable to rack up the numbers while they are single because they are liberated and its “fun”. Basically, they will give away their lady parts if they bump in to anybody who is good looking or has lots of money.

The problem comes when you marry one of these types of broads and then she holds you to the whole “vows” and “till death do us part” because this “marriage” idea is the only thing they hold sacred (and I say that loosely) anymore. Simply put, you will never be able to match her numbers because you are now “married and committed”. They believe that the “past” should stay in the past and you should focus on what you have in the present.

The sad truth is that marriage is a scam nowadays. You’re basically buying a used car with high mileage but it has a new car sticker on it. My wife has only had one previous lover before me, but even that makes me feel like crap. So it doesn’t matter if its 1, 10, or 100. Once you get married, the idea of your spouse being with other people can really get to you.

I could continue on about the ills of society but what’s the point. Your asking how you can get over your wife’s promiscuous past. Maybe you can find some comfort in knowing that if you leave her, what is out there is not much better than what you have already.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Well I think you do need to get over it, however your wife needs to cool it as well. it seems she is using it to 'get at you' as she knows that it will trigger a response in you. So to be honest I think there are two sides to the story. Sure she has a past but she could have explained at the party when she recognised the man 'Oh yes I met his twin years ago, strange isn't it?' The second incident I am sorry, but that is just tacky behaviour. Having said that you let her use it as a weapon and trigger Every time you rise to the occasion It becomes like a game. The answer in the first instance could have been; ' this was before I showed her what real love is about.' In the second instance when she told you. 'I am glad you remembered me, our marriage our love.' Do not rise to the occasion. Stay calm and reasonable Enforce the positive, not the negative (which you are doing). What is in the past should stay there. One cannot always avoid the past as it is part of who we are, but we can manage it out of respect for our loved ones.

Answer 3

Why did you not talk about the past before getting married and when you were dating in the first place when you were first getting to know each other. Did you get married in a hurry or really fast? I feel you should have discussed things in detail before marrying and gotten things out in the open then. You both were ignorant not to do this. Sounds like you did not know each othe really well before marrying and that is sad. Well now that you are married live and let the past be the past and seek counseling and help if this really bothers you and is affecting your marriage and relationship. She is your wife for goodness sakes so deal with it and let it go. As long as she is faithful and true to you now that she is married get over it and go on. She also may need to be tested for stds and so do you.

Answer 4

Yes, you are crazy. The past should never get in the way of having a healthy future. Just keep in mind that she had all that, and finally CHOSE YOU! She was able to make a good decision based on experience. SHE CHOSE YOU out of all those guys. I'm sure it would have been nice if you two had similar pasts, but you dont. The sooner you let go of the past and start living in the present moment FOR the future, the sooner you will find happiness, joy, and fullfillment in your marriage.

Recipe for a healthy relationship = Honest, trusting, vulnerable, open communication + Living each moment to make the next one greater.

Answer 5

I don't think you're crazy at all. Before I start, I'm only twenty four and am not married yet, so I appreciate I may not have similar experience, however, I was with my ex-girlfriend for five years and we were engaged -- she had a similar past.

At first I thought it was something I thought I wanted to know about (her past), sharing seemed a good idea! Unfortunately, it just brought out my jealous side, I felt used and angry, like this women I loved I was sharing and had shared with so many other guys.

In truth, it's not like this.

She has married you, not them. She obviously loves you and it's you she has committed too, not just when you have sex but all those other more special moments too.

I think it's normal for you to be feeling the way you do, tell her you're surprised at your emotional reaction and that you're pleased she is with you and that you love and appreciate her - and her honesty for telling you -- then, I think you should move on;

You'll feel better soon mate.

Answer 6

Amigo,
Now that you have committed one of the biggest mistakes in having that type of conversation with a spouse you are going to have to really decide if you want to stay married.This conversation should have taken place BEFORE you married her.Are there children involved?Has she shown you that she can't be trusted?The past is the past,but if you really feel that as a result of that conversation you have doubts about her then you are gonna have to sit and talk with her.Maybe you feel a little inadequate in bed.You are going to have to get over that if you love her.Learn more my man.Be a savage and a freak in bed.On the other hand you have her.Maybe she decided to keep that information away from you because she wanted someone virgenesque and wanted someone who was special.Don't hold her experience against her.If she currently respects you and is willing to continue doing so then stay with her.Good luck.

Answer 7

I dont think youre crazy, maybe a bit insecure about her "past". What your wife did or did not do before ever meeting you, has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Probably silly on her part to trust you with this kind of information, she obviously trusts/respects you a great deal to talk about something so profoundly personal. As far as the "paying a premium" comment, my husband and I both are having a good chuckle over it as I type. I dont know what to tell you brother...........

Answer 8

You have a warped way of looking at marriage. I am sure she married you because she loves you!!! Do you love her? The love you share should be what you cherish. Also learning more about your mate should engender intimacy not separation. This conversation was not a mistake and your response show you have some maturing to do. Look at this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your personal weaknesses.

Your concern with your wife's past is an age-old issue men have with experienced women. A man is a stud for having experience but an experienced woman is a slut. This is just man's anger at women for having more and easier access to sex. Grow up and show the woman you married the proper respect and understanding.

Just for the record I learned what I know about sex from past relationship with older more experienced women so I cherish this type of lady not condemn her. To give you the benefit of my past marital experience, I will take a skilled lover any day over one without a clue about giving pleasure.

An experienced woman is sexy to me. I absolutely adore a woman that knows how to give me great pleasure and it should like you have a good opportunity in your marriage.

TS

Answer 9

No you aren't crazy. My first wive was just like that and she ended up taking off with a co-worker. I found out more of heer past afterwards. Actually, she did me a favor when she left. That was almost 20 years ago. The point is, I don't think they ever do change from their past. Look at their batting record. Good Luck.

Answer 10

And this is the reason you have this talk before getting married.Allot of people will tell you that what she did before is none of your business.I think that what she did before is plenty of your business if you are considering a possible future together.When two people find themselves becoming more than special friends that's when you should start digging to find out if there is anything that's going to be an issue later.If one or both of you lie about your past then it can be very damaging later in your relationship.Not everyone is comfortable with knowing that their partner had a colorful past. Also many people wouldn't want to be involved emotionally with someone that has had many sex partners.