We've been married almost 3 years and together just over 5. I know he loves me and I do care about him, but I'm not in love with him. He is a good person, a great dad, a good provider. I'm not attracted to him, I feel we have nothing in common, I've talked to him about all this, but he never feels as though we have any problems. I am not inerested in him sexually, and I'm having trouble seeing any future for us. Right now I have decided to live with it and pretend everything is fine because we have a little daughter and I want what's best for her. We don't fight, we just don't do anything. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make things better? Oh, and I've started wondering if I got married because it was what we were "supposed to do" because I wanted to have a baby. I didn't cry on my wedding day, he did. I did not feel as though it was the happiest day of my life.
2007-02-10 05:43:50 · 21 answers · asked by meh 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I really don't know if I was ever in love with him. I think it was the idea of "the perfect life" i was in love with. I never felt any part of the honeymoon phase, I'm not sure we ever went through it. I met him a week after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship and he was the exact opposite of my ex. I loved that he loved and trusted me.
As for doing things together I have tried, we had a date night last weekend, we have nothing in common other than our daughter. I have mentioned counseling, he was very opposed to it, but then told me I could go. It's hard to do couples counseling without the whole couple.
My daughter is the most important thing in the world to me, and if her life would be worse if I left I won't do it. That is why I need help.
I know there are other people out there, good people, people I may feel happier with, but maybe I'm just selfish and need to get over my feelings of unhappiness?
2007-02-10 06:12:41 · update #1
I do know how I got into this situation, and yes, I do blame myself. I am not looking for excuses to cheat or divorce, I am looking for answers on how to save my marriage. I don't want the butterflies, I don't want any fantasy story, I want to be in a real relationship, not a house with 2 people passing each other barely speaking because there's nothing to talk about.
He's very good at the whole guilt thing. He goes out every weekend to guy friends houses (no, I do not think he is cheating), and if I ask him to stay home I am made to feel bad. If he wants sex, I usually will do it because if I don't, he will sulk and make my life miserable.
2007-02-10 06:21:24 · update #2
Did you ever feel like you were in love with him? I think sometimes there are "phases" that we all go through. I have felt the way you describe at times and we have had some rough times but when we finally got past all of those I really do love my husband, he makes me laugh and he makes me happy. Every situation is different, try to imagine your life without him in it and think about what it would be like...would you feel empty, sad? Would you feel better, like the pressure/unhappiness was gone? Just don't rush into anything.
2007-02-10 05:50:31 · answer #1 · answered by paula0005 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have a very good idea of how you got into this position. My question, like another person who answered here, would be did you ever love him, because if you didn't, there is no way to recover something you didn't have in the first place. Honestly, with being married three years, you are at one of the crossroads in your marriage- the point when all the "honeymoon" things end- there's no big wedding, you've had your baby and there isn't any more fuss over a new baby, and perhaps you're feeling like marriage wasn't the Cinderella & Prince Charming adventure it was supposed to be? I'd get into counseling before you make any decisions about leaving, because odds are, if it has anything to do with not having that lusty honeymoon feeling, you will continue to make the same problem with future relationships. You say you are friends. True love can grow from friendship- in fact it is the best foundation you can ever have. It also takes two to "not do anything" so start planning stuff! You can make it all happen if you want to. Good luck.
2007-02-10 06:01:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, here we go. Another women who did all of what she was told, what she thought was suppose to happen, etc. My ***. Lady, face it, you did what you wanted or what you didnt have the guts to say no to and now you want to make excuses or blame it on others, when you arent happy. Be honest with yourself and with us. Funny how all you women say I am women here me roar, but then play the I am a poor little female, feel bad for me cause I am weak role.
Ten to one you did and are doing what most of you women do. You have this fairy tale image of how things in life will be, how the man will be or what he should do. Then when real life sets in, your poor fantasy is killed off and you feel cheated. Guess what, you cant get mad at him over your false idea or fantasy. I bet you arent the fantasy girl who made him have wet dreams as a teenager either truth be told. You probable are not the idea he had in his head.
My dear, be realistic, We dont keep those feelings that we had when we first met or hooked up. Those feelings are emotional and chemical surges that get us together. Then life steps in and we learn to actually love one another.
That tingly, funny feeling is a momentary thing for the most part, but if it lasted over a period of time, we would explode. Real love is seeing the good, the things the other does because they love us, the decency, the things in the other that make us know we have a good person with us.
You know, these "I dont feel in love thing" is nothing more then some tripe that people have come up with to excuse not having sex, divorce and cheating. Common sense should tell you that you dont get butterflies after five years and you probably dont cause them either. I mean, the tenth time you fly in a plane isnt as exciting as the first time you do.
Pay attention. Find out how his mind actually works and why it does so. Show him the same in you. Find the goodness, kindness in one another. Think of what he does to show you he loves and cares, that you dont realize. For example: Working a 12 hour day isnt something most people do for fun. They do it because they have responsibilities. Part of loving is fulfilling those responsibilities.
You women and your fantasies and the emotions based on fantasy are worse then the most severe plaque ever to visit. They are worse then the most violent of storms. They cause more death and misery then even the most horrid of circumstances. Learn this, will you lady? Pass it on to your friends too.
2007-02-10 06:12:09 · answer #3 · answered by operatingengineerjw 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Your road sounds very similar to mine .. sorry. You could try to introduce a sexier lifestyle between the two of you - all is not lost if you look at things positively. Aside from this, if you feel in your heart you really do not, and can not, love this man ... then the best thing for all is to let him go, as hard as this may seem. In the long run, life will be better for you, your husband, and your daughter. Be honest .. and good luck.
2007-02-10 05:51:12 · answer #4 · answered by square_dotzz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Think about how good he is to you and your daughter, and how something like that is hard to find. Maybe find a sitter for you daughter and have a "date night" every couple weeks or so. Maybe you're just stressed out from the responsibilities of taking care of a small child, and need to get in sync with your husband again.
2007-02-10 06:01:39 · answer #5 · answered by ORDtoSXM 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel the same thing with my husband aim 14 year with him and I was not to happy when we got married a what a big church wedding and he did care about it I have three kids and one died he was sick when he was born and I stop loving him It had when you dot love someone and have to live with same person every day .When I foal in love back with my husband was when I got sick and I see him taking care of mi and the kids with lot of love and see him like that I cry and I hug him I told him for The first time I love you .What aim saying just stay with mi everything will be OK when the time pass and Just take time for you and him only a romantic dinner with candle and take you're kids to grandparent for the night so you can spend you're night with you're man this will make you foal in love again .Good luck to you?
2007-02-10 06:00:15 · answer #6 · answered by Sweetlove 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am going to give you wisdom, love is a decision, believe it or not.
we never 'fall' in love. We decide who we will love. As time goes by you will realise there are other important things to be considered besides physical attraction, like the bills being paid, food on the table, your child's emotional well being. The man whom you may be attracted to could be the one that breaks your heart, or harmful to your child, or a poor breadwinner. In many parts of the world they are arranged marraiges that last for decades. The wife decided to do the right thing and look for the good in her husband, go to Jesus, He cares for you, and He will lift this burden from you. I hope you continue to honor your vows.
2007-02-10 05:55:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have a good guy. Count your blessings and try to focus on the things that attracted you to him in the beginning. Try to discover new things for the two of you to share.
Don't give up on your marriage. If all else fails seek some kind of counselling.
Remember that all marriages go through some kind of slump from time to time.
Good luck to you.
2007-02-10 05:49:43 · answer #8 · answered by atomictulip 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say but you sound like every woman I've ever encountered. The grass is always greener. My wife always says that we don't have anything in common. Funny. We had a lot in common when we started dating. When she was arguing she would say that( nothing in common) for lack of anything better. Why did you start seeing each other? Do you want to do anything with him? Do you make dates? If you didn't want to get married, why did you? Figure out what you want, then follow through and don't look back.
2007-02-10 07:37:12 · answer #9 · answered by kielbasa7 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You cn't make yourself fall in love with someone again and i knw how u feel my partner and i have been together for 5 years and i realise that i dont love him anymore we have a 3 year old son and i wanted to do what was best for him but we argue alot and i dont think this is best for him so im going to leave.
2007-02-10 05:58:16 · answer #10 · answered by kazz06 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋