What do you think of the start of my novel?

Question

It's called 'The Unlikely Chronicles of the Mysterious Mr Falhalbur', the prologue and first chapter have been posted on my blog on: www.myspace.com/blaarts
(together with some other short stories if you're interested!)

The book is almost finished and I'd like a little feedback if possible before I send it off to the literary agent. Just for info, it's a black comedy combining science, history, philosophy, religion and reams of bad language. Swearing, I think, IS big and clever. All feedback greatly received. Cheers!

Well thanks so far to everyone who has answered, be the comments positive or negative, they are greatfully received. Rest assured I'm going to revisit it and see what I can chop out and polish. Oh, and I see what you mean about 'said bookisms' I'd never really noticed! For info it was recommended to be forwarded to an agent by a tutor at The Writer's Bureau. That said, it seems that I need to work much harder before I send it anywhere - cheers all!

Answer 1

I edit books for a living.

My professional assessment: Poor but not totally awful.

I'm afraid no reader in a publishers or agents would bother going past the first 500 words without putting it away and sending back a rejection slip.

The most obvious problem are the "said bookisms" (google it), second are the "tells not shows" there may be others but I didn't go any further.

On the positive side, at least you can spell and your grammar doesn't suck (you wouldn't believe some of the crud I've had to read).

Seriously, you do *not* want to send it to any agents in this state every single one of them will just send it back with a form rejection slip. You need to join some online or offline writing group and get genuine independent assessment of your work.

Once you think it really is the best you can possibly get it (a highly polished gem), having gone through 3-4 drafts, and chopped out every single unnecessary word. Then you might consider spending some money and getting a professional assessment.

And a word of warning: There are "agents" who will tell you you're the greatest thing since sliced bread ... and tell you that for X hundred pounds they'll try to sell your book.

No real agent charges anything *ever*.

I have a friend who spent 12 years or so trying to get published, wrote about 20 books, kept 300 of his most interesting rejection slips. Then he made the breakthrough, he now has 4 books published and 3 more in the pipeline.

That's how hard it is to get published.

Edit: My apologies for being quite so negative, I've edited it down a bit -- my only excuse was it was late at night.

I've not heard anything specific about The Writers Bureau but if you've been paying them for a course, then they're bound to say you're good, otherwise you might want your money back.

In regard to another person's comment on the story content, it actually doesn't matter whether it's been told a hundred times before -- it's how *you* do it that matters.

In truth, there is only one rule in writing: Don't bore your reader.

Good luck.

Answer 2

The problem with cynicism is the person who writes it thinks it's clever when it really isn't. Your writing seems to talk down to your readers as if you're smarter than they are and that they can never get the joke like you can. Additionally, what you've written has been done thousands of times (mostly from first-time writers). The writing lacks maturity.

The good thing is now that you've gotten this out of you, you now might be able to write a good story that is original and clever that respects the reader's intelligence (e.g., Tom Robbins, Neil Gaiman) and is also cynical. The angst in your writing is predictable.

In the end, your story is what's going to sell it so learn how to tell a story and through your controlling idea/theme you can convey your cynicism much more powerfully without bashing the reader over the head with it.

Answer 3

I don't think a lot of it to be honest. The amount of stories I've heard in various fiction writing classes that start like that are incredible. I even called the first title of my first novel "Merry F*cking Christmas" and a couple of publishers and people at my Uni said it was it had been done a hundred times. The whole "33 (and some)" makes it sound like Bridget Jones's Diary and the whole Christmas thing kinda adds to that. If you want to get ideas for a quite different good super-cynical novel, read Ripley Bogle by Robert McLiam Wilson. Sounds like you've got a few too many concepts in there rather than just concentrating on plot and character development (that's what sells novels apparently). Despite my not too encouraging comments (be aware that I'm an imfamously harsh critic), I do wish you luck, as someone who is trying to get my first novel published too, it's bloody hard work, don't give up.

Answer 4

I am intrigued and amused. The opening is a bit staccato (those first paragraphs...around 8? Could use a little smoothing.)

I like the character interactions very much, the reminiscences, the serious history amongst these people.

And I want to know what happens next, so that's a good thing!

Good luck to you and thanks for the read.

Answer 5

The key to unlock the electrical power to make money from property is finding the proper on-line interface for writers

Answer 6

What I read so far was reasonable, and I'd probably get your book out of the library if it's ever published.

In terms of proofreading, I just wondered if "less nonchalent" should read "more..." and I thought "appendage" sounded out of place.

Answer 7

I haven't read it but plan to purchase many copies of your fine tome and distribute it to friends, family, workers, politicans and great statesmen urging them to read your works of wisdom. Heck, I'll even send a copy to the Pope and get him to adopt it as the official Catholic text from now on.
How's that for encouragement !

Answer 8

yeah its good well written and funny - you have been a busy boy lol go for it and don`t for get to write me in a chapter :)

Answer 9

Sorry, stick to your day job

Answer 10

good yeah ok i am lying sorry i cannot be bothered to read it but will lata (maybe)