How can I find a way out of my misery through divorce?

Question

I know for me personally I do not believe in divorce but with my current situation I see no other choice.

You see I have been married for a while now and we have a young child together. Our marriage was rocky from the start really and I feel unloved and emotionally drained. I am being emotionally abused and have been told its only a matter of time before he starts being physically abusive.

I am pretty scared because coming from a family whose parents have been together for 60 years, I was raised with the thought of sticking together through thick and thin. I do not have the money to even pay a lawyer on my own but started working again so I can save, but I do not want to wait until I have the money to get a lawyer.

I am so worried about our little one because he told me if I ever left him he would get full custody. I don't want to lose my child and my child is the only reason why I stay with him. I am misreable otherwise.

I am at a loss, does anyone have any advice?

Answer 1

Guys always say that they're going to get custody when, in fact, they don't have a prayer of a chance most of the time. If you're a good mother, if you take good care of the kid and are not abusive, if you're not a skank and are not addicted to alcohol or drugs then the odds are that you'll have custody.

Do they have a legal aid program for low-income people in your area? Maybe you'd qualify? Because most lawyers won't talk to you unless you have the money to pay them.

Answer 2

I have been through this two times already and did them both without an attorney or children, Although I did help my 2nd x-wife go through her divorce and they had a child involved. So your situation is going to be a little different. First, see about counseling and reconcile. If that is out of the equasion, then go to the court house and at least get the appropriate paperwork. You can seek out an attorney and make a payment plan with them, you may have to put up some money as a retainer. Divorce is a nasty thing, at whatever cost, do not place your child in the middle of your battles. If you end up getting part physical and visitation, your child will automatically be thrown in the middle and then it can get ugly when your child gets to see either parent on a part time basis; especially if either of the parents have another interest. Keep in mind also, kids are like tape recorders when it comes to these things, ie.. Daddy said this about you and Mommy said this about Daddy's girlfriend. The most important thing to remember is, KEEP A JOURNAL OR LOG BOOK WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. Document everything that is either inappropriate or if the other parent is picking up or droping off the child on time. For men, the difficult time comes when he starts seeing someone else and then starts to have is NEW interest get involved and does the picking up and dropping off for visitation. Most men will use the tactic in order to persue another interest and get her involved, to show the court that there are two responsible people to care for the child. No matter what, be as friendly as possible. The common interest is your child, not who you have selected to persue. In a alternate visitation, make sure that the rules at both residences remain the same, (curfew, bed time, okayed snacks and so forth) Children will immediate begin to play you against one another. If this occurs, nip it in the bud right away and discuss it first with the other parent so they know what is going on and then speak to the child; together. As far as being miserable while your with him now, get out. see if you can stay with a friend or relative. Good luck, misery is cured with time..

Answer 3

I can relate to your situation. My first marriage was like that too. He may or may not get physical with you, but most of the time they do.
He is intimidating you by saying he is going to get custody of the child. Don't let your parents marriage intimidate you, you need to focus on YOU and you need to focus on YOUR CHILD. It is not a good situation for the baby either.
No, you may not have money for a lawyer, but I think that if you search around enough and explain your situation, there will be a lawyer that will be willing to help you. It's important that you get one so that you get custody of the child. You don't want your baby to be with someone who is emotionally abusive.
You do not deserve to be in that situation and it is not good for you.
Talk to your parents and loved ones, make an escape plan and get out of there. You can have a restraining order put up against him so that he does not harrass you or your family.

I am sure that your family will support you, you have a loving family.
Best of luck to you .
I suggest counseling too, you will need it.

Answer 4

I feel ya THEONE, and to the 2 people (so far) who chose to downplay this lady's situation be mean and cause even more hurt. We do not know what she is going through and emotional abuse CAN and most times WILL lead to physical abuse. I guess those rude posters who wasted their time posting to this question are abusers THEMSELVES and that is why they were so cold hearted.

My suggestion to you THEONE is even though you have tried to stay with him it may be in the best interest of your child to do what you have to do. It may be a hard situation but it may be what is needed. You cannot be depressed and misreable and still be a good Mother all at the same time.

I wish you the very best in all you do and a speedy recovery from this situation. I hope that you find true love with someone who will truly want to treat you well and with love and respect.

Answer 5

First, that is the oldest trick in the book...saying he will take custody of your child if you leave him...Mothers every day leave and take their kids with them, I don't care if she is a whore, a drug addict or an alcoholic the courts give the mother the children. Unless Daddy is a millionaire and pays the court big bucks and has lawyers that dig up fake pictures of you abusing your child...if he has that kind of money then you have enough to get you a lawyer. In the mean time go to family court, explain you situation, states have funding to help mothers in your predicament with legal fees. There is housing for you and your child available, you are entitled to a safe environment to raise your child but you are the one that has to do it. If he is mentally abusive to you, you can bet he is to your child and I agree with those telling you it is just a matter of time before verbal abuse turns into physical abuse....Been there done that...

Answer 6

Every community has lawyers that work pro bono. If nothing else, try to seek them out for advice.

Good that you got a job. That will be better when you go for custody. Also, start keeping a journal that chronicles all the verbal abuse and any physical abuse. This tracking will help when you file for custody.

Get out. No one deserves the mental anguish and you don't want your child growing up thinking it is OK for husbands to abuse wives, even emotionally. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your little one.

Answer 7

Sweetie you sound like a very special woman and a very wonderful mother and wife. It seems as though you are not being treated as the wonderful woman you are. You see its not right to get divorced but sometimes it is needed for ones survival and to stay sane. Trust in God first and foremost.....that may be the last thing you want to hear right now but if you trust in the Lord and you ask him to guide your path...he will not leave you nor forsake you. You need to protect yourself physicall, mentally, and emotionally and you need to do that for your child too. Don't let a selfish disrespectful man take control over you and dishonor the vows he recited to you on your wedding day. Live your life for you now, it seems as though he is doing so. You are a woman so that automatically makes you strong and I believe that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Do what is in your heart....no matter if it goes against what you believe in as far as divorce....there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you and always remember you are special, you are worth it, and you should be with a loving man who never lets you forget it!!

Answer 8

Well you know that guy better than anyone. Mine said the same thing to me about our 4 children. That he would prove me an unfit mother. While HE was the infidel. I knew damn well he didnt want the responsibility. But rather his sorry attempt to intimidate me. I calmly (tho boiling inside) ,"Just try it."
After 19 years, I was tired of his BS, and would do most anything to be rid of him.
I believe that to be a common threat of most men. Knowing that such a remark would devastate a mother. Be strong for YOU and your baby. Seek the advise of a good divorce attny. Make your plan. Dont wait til you have all the funds. It will take awhile for divorce to be complete. (Mine took 18 mos, since he literally went into hiding to avoid the outcome.)
In the meantime, save every penny you can get your hands on. You will need it.

Answer 9

First of all you have to realize this is his child too, 50/50, this man will always be in your life.
You are the one who decided to have a baby with this man (ask yourself why)
Stop listening to people telling you he will physically abuse you
Emotional abuse is so subjective, maybe you are looking for an excuse.
Your husband is not responsible to make you happy, you are. Maybe he is as miserable as you.
If you ever once loved this man you have the duty to the child to try to make it work.
Why did you think everyday was going to be a holiday?
You get one chance to get married and live happily ever after, if you get a divorce everything from that day foreward with be just a patch job. You will be opening a whole can of worms. Stepkids, future step mom and dads, visitation and custody battles, money issues and the list goes on.
You can't just wipe the slate clean and begin again.

Answer 10

DO IT I was in a similar situation and was miserable for a long time and finely got up the courage to get a divorce and I m so much happier and so are the kids. Lawyers are a lot of money, but you can go to your local court house and get a kit and do it all your self and there people to help if you have questions