Why can't my wife just tell me what she wants???

Question

Last night the kids were staying at friend's houses. We had the whole night to ourselves. I hoped I was getting some. We were cuddling in the big chair watching TV and she told me "can I have a night off? Do we have to have sex tonight? Can we just cuddle and go to sleep?". It's depressing enough that she considers sex something she "has" to do, rather than wants to, but anyways I say "OK" and we watch a movie. While we're watching it she starts rubbing "me". OK cool. After about 20 minutes though it reaches a point where it'll have to go a little further or stop as it's starting not to feel good. I tell her this (nicely) and she gets mad at me and insists she doesn't want to have sex tonight. OK fine.
Then we go up to bed and we start to go to sleep. She tells me what a jerk I was (!) and then tells me that it's my fault - I didn't even try to have sex with her! I reminded her that she said she didn't want it. She said that doesn't mean I can't try!?!
What the heck?

Then this morning I wake up (kids still not here) and I role over and start rubbing her. I whisper some sexy stuff in her ear and she says she wants to have sex. So I want to do oral on her. I'm doing for about 5 min and she's acting like nothing's happening at all. I asked her what's the matter and she gets mad and says she wanted to have sex. Apparently this doesn't count as sex - or foreplay or anything. She wanted me to just stick it in and go. OK fine but she needed to tell me that. So she's all mad because she says I didn't do what I said I was going to.
OK so now I am a little frustrated and decide to forget it. Then she gets mad and says I should have tried again.

Why can't she just tell me what she wants WHEN she wants it? Not after she bit ches and moans about what she doesn't want????

I think fighting turns her on. Our best sex always happens after a fight.

Tanya OK if she just wanted it in there don't you think she would have been better off just telling me to f*** her instead of whining??

Answer 1

yeah thats messed up. im confused too.
it actually sounds a bit controlling.

Answer 2

Well - open communication in marriage, and about everything including the intimate stuff, is one of the cornerstones.

If you want your wife to start telling you what she wants and what she needs, start by opening the line of communication yourself. Set some time aside where it's just you and her. Tell her you want to talk about some of things, but that doesn't mean it's going to lead to sex. You want to know what she likes and dislikes, about what she is actually expecting.

Don't judge her or get mad if she says something you may not want to hear. Give her security and saftey to speak her mind.

It isn't a good sign that she feels sex is something she has to do. It means she's not enjoying it, and instead doing it just to please you. Or at least that's what she thinks.

If the two of you can't hash things out - then go to a therapist. The addition of someone who can mediate and see from an outside perspective can be very helpful. They even have sex therapists now, who can help weed out just exactly is going on.

Answer 3

Don't even TRY to figure it out...you'll never get it. She expects you to read her mind and know what she wants when she wants it; you expect her to tell you straight truths and be clear...ain't gonna happen! And, if you can't find the right answer every time, like water in the desert, she's gonna be eternally pissed off. That's what you bought when you married her; the best you can possibly hope for is a detente, an occassional lull in the war zone and possibly intermittent periods of time when it almost seems she wants to get along. Learn to grunt a lot, smile when she tells a joke, say "really?" and "could you repeat that?" when she rattles on and on and maybe you'll make it through 20 years of hell...or maybe not!

Answer 4

I think she is trying to tell you that there needs to be more "surprise" sex and less planned sex.

You plan an evening home alone, this insinuates that you'll have sex. She feels it's too planned, there is pressure and sex now becomes just one more thing for her to do.
So, she tells you she just wants to snuggle. You agree..no fight, no argument. Now the pressure is off of her. Suddenly, she now wants to have sex. Why? because it's not expected!

And I agree with the other poster, when a woman wants sex...she wants sex, no foreplay or oral, just sex.....she wanted you to just "take" her.

You two need to talk more openly about your sex life..sounds like it could use some changes.

Answer 5

probably because her first sexual experience wasn't exactly consensual and no matter how hard a woman tries,she will always be turned on by the first sexual act done to her.It wasn't that she enjoyed the way she was abused but it's the act itself that will forever tarnish how she responds to sex and sexual acts.Maybe she likes when the sex appears to be done in a sneaky way,you say she likes when you two are in bed and you are rubbing against her but when you try to do the act she turns off and when you give up she says you didn't try harder.Well I know this sounds strange but rapist aren't suppose to give up.Some things are hard to explain because they come from a deeper place than just the physical sex act,there are mental effects that come in to play for most women.She may not want to admit these feelings but I'll bet she was molested and that secretly turns her on but to admit to that would say to her that she liked what happened to her although she didn't .

Answer 6

I THINK SHE WANTED A LITTLE ROMANCE! Someone to cater to her needs with the kids gone she didn't have to worry about them it was you she had to cater to ! TRY asking her to take a hot bath with candles make her breakfast why not even giving her a bath and then get in and play around! I THINK SHE feels like she has to do everything ! Next try not asking and just start to rub on back or massage her alittle after the bath i bet that work ! if not shes the one with problem not you . good luck

Answer 7

After 5 min. and nothing? Either her mind is elsewhere or you need to perfect your technique a little or both. You get credit for trying though. Maybe while she is busy doing laundry or dishes, etc. (and you're helping her), ask her some questions about these things, not while you're about to be intimate. If she won't tell you, then try and learn or come back and ask us. We'll tell ya.

Answer 8

lol, I know where you are coming from. Have you not forgot "the game" before marriage. It's part of the anticipation, we want it, but to "earn" it makes it more special when you receive it. Now that you are married, you both in your own ways look for the chase leading up to it.
Don't look at sex now that your married as a responsibility or "a job". Keep it exciting and personal. Look for them hints and give hints. They are not always bluntly out there for a reason.

Answer 9

Yeah.. well this is the thing about women. Don't pose so many questions ! ..Just do, what it feels like (this is what most expect).
You don't have to be an animal, but insising or just doing it, and acting a lil bit rougher, should do the trick.
The thing is that they don't want "words", but expect you to think what they think you think :p. ..So just give it a try.

Answer 10

This is very typical, For Valentines Day, get her a bell to ring when she wants sex:)
If this happens too often, I would not cuddle on the sofa anymore because it leads to frustration.

Answer 11

A lot of women are like that. It is very frustrating.

So, maybe act a bit rough with her and take it. She will probably ***** about that too, but, what the hell maybe you will finally get some. Otherwise, try some strange on the side. Sometimes that is the only way you can get it.A hooker or a slut for booty calls. This is life. I have found.Good luck.