wanting out of my marriage,is this my best option?

Question

let me share more on my problem.I got into this marriage mainly to get away from a home where there was a lot of abuse between my parents and as a first child,i bore the brunt of the chaos for many years and pain at home.My husband had been a friend all along though i didnt love him but i thought with time that i could.It was after this that i met the second man and i fell in love with him.It was the best thing that happened to me,i love him very much.However my husband is still a kind man,i never really set out to hurt him,i have 2choices,i married this man who has done a lot for me so the right thing to do is stay with him.On the other hand i love someone else who loves me too and should i leave my husband for him.Ive only been married for a short while.And abt the marriage certificate since my husband was abroad at the time,he had his brother sign in his place,and thats what he used to bring me abroad.Can u help me cos im worried&stressed n dont know how 2 resolve this.

Answer 1

you should leave your husband, you DONT deserve him.
you are very cruel person for lying to your husband like this all years, you only married for your own sake. you are very selfish and now you love someone else and you are not true to your husband.


TSK TSK TSK I PITY YOU, you should be ASHAMED!!!!

Answer 2

First off keep it real with your husband and tell him how you feel. sometimes in life we have to feel some pain. why would you be married to someone you don't love, when you could be much happier somewhere else? you were really not fair to marry him and not love him, but you felt you owed him something due to all the help he has givin' you. Just tell him and if he is a very true friend and does love you like you say, he will set you free to find true jappiness. But be careful what you wish for. It might not be as bright with the other man as you might think it is.

Answer 3

Well saying with him just for pitty is not fair to him at all i dont think i would want my husband to do that to me if he didnt want to be with me and loved someone else fine but he deserves tht right to know why you done this to him and you married him for the wrong reasons shamy on you he deserves to have someone who really loves him and not to be used. If i was you i would get out of it before it goesto far be honest with him he may hate you but he will find someone in the furture that will love him back. Think about it how would you feel if you were him

Answer 4

I think your delusional of what your dream man is going to be. Your very vague, how old are you? Judging from what you've said(you do want to be judged because you posted this)you are a terminally unhappy person. If you enter a new relationship, you will only drag your baggage with you. You need to tighten up and accept what you have been blessed with. You will discover you love the other man no more than the current one and you'll be right back to square one even more misserable.

Answer 5

Maybe you should try to be alone to yourself for a while. Like take a very long vacation alone without either one of those two. (zero communication) It's like when you fall down, you need to get up on your own, but it helps even more when there's a rail next to you that you can hold to help you get up. Basically just try to clear your mind. Go back to talk to your husband when you're ready.

Answer 6

If you are absolutly positive that you love this other person, then there is no point in staying in a loveless marriage. It is unfair to yourself and your husband. Not to mention if you have children.

I think that maybe some counselling could help you rationalise your feelings in order to make a clear decision

Answer 7

i think that you need to be honest with your self first, you marry
for the wrong reason and now you have fallen in love iwth
someone else.. i feel that you need to get counseling to deal
wit the the things that are going on. if you dont you will continue
this pattern. regardless of who you choose. but you need to
be honest with everyone concerned.

Answer 8

for one we all know you don't want to be with the husband i think you should let him go and find the women that will love him the way he loves them. don't be selfish and keep to men to your self let the one u don't love go.

Answer 9

Its not fair on your husband, you should tell him how you feel, he may be able to make up your mind for you. You should feel ashamed.

Answer 10

What in the world is the difference between loving a person and being attached to them ?
Love is the sincere wish for others to be happy, and to be free from suffering.
Having realistically recognized others' kindness as well as their faults, love is always focused on the other persons welfare. We have No ulterior motives to fulfill our self-interest, or to fulfill our desires; to love others simply because they exist.
Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others' good qualities and makes us crave to be with them. When we're with them, we're happy, but when we're separated from them, we are often miserable. Attachment is linked with expectations of what others should be or do.
Is love as it is usually understood in our society
really love ? or attachment ?
Let us examine this a bit more. Generally we are attracted to people either because they have qualities we value or because they help us in some way. If we observe our own thought processes mindfully, and carefully - we'll notice that we look for specific qualities in others.
Some of these qualities we find attractive, others are those our parents, or society value.
We examine someone's looks, body, education,
financial situation, social status. This is how most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value to us.
In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they help us, praise us, make us feel secure, listen to what we have to say, care for us when we are sick or depressed, we consider them good people, and it is this type of people we are most likely to be more attracted to.
But this is very biased, for we judge them only in terms of how they relate to "us", as if we are the most important person in the world.
After we've judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them it appears to us as if goodness is coming from them, but if we are more aware, we recognize that we have projected this goodness onto them.
Desiring to be with the people a lot who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo's -
when we're with these people, we're Up, when we're not with these people, we're Down.
Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with those people will be and thus have expectations of them. When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we're very disappointed, or may become angry !
We want them to change so that they will they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from the other people.
Our problems arise not because others aren't
who we thought they we're, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they
aren't.
Checklist: "I Love You if __________ "
What we call love is most often attachment.
It is actually a disturbing attitude that overestimates the qualities of another person.
We then cling to tightly to that person, thinking our happiness depends on that person.
"Love, on the other hand, is an open and very calm, relaxed attitude. We want someone to be happy, and free from suffering simply because they exist. While attachment is uncontrolled and much too sentimental, Love is direct and powerful. Attachment obscures our judgment and we become impatient, angry, and impartial, helping only our dear one's and harming those who we don't like. Love builds up others, and clarifies our minds, and we
access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on
selfishness, while Love is founded upon cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to the eyes. Love looks beyond
all the superficial appearances, and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want inner peace, happiness, and want to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, dirty, ignorant people, we feel repulsed because our selfish minds want to know attractive, intellectual, clean, and talented people. Love, on the other hand, never evaluates others by these superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others' appearances, their experience is the same as ours: they seek inner peace, to be happy, to be free from sufferings, and to do their best to avoid problems.
When we're attached, we're not mentally and emotionally free. We overly depend on and cling to another person to fulfill our mental and especially our emotional needs. We fear losing the person, feeling we'd be incomplete without him.
This does not mean that we should suppress our emotional needs or become aloof, alone and totally independent, for that too does not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs, and slowly seek to eliminate them. Some emotional needs may be so strong that they can't be dissolved immediately.
If we try to suppress them or pretend they do not exist, we become anxious, insecure, falling into a depression. In this case, we can do our best to fulfill our needs while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them.
"The core problem is we seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others rather than to understand them. In all honesty, our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfishness obscuring our own
minds. 'We can develop self-confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a selfless human being with many, many magnificent qualities, then we'll develop a true and accurate feeling of self-confidence. And
then we'll seek to increase true love, without attachments, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience and understanding, as well as generosity, concentration and wisdom.'
'Under the influence of attachment we're bound by our emotional reactions to others. When they are nice to us, we're happy. When they ignore us, or speak sharply to us, we take it personally and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn't mean we become hard-hearted. Rather, without attachment there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine Affection and Impartial Love for them.
We'll be actively involved with them.
If we learn to subdue our attachments, we can most definitely have successful friendships and personal relationships with others !! These relationships will be richer because of the freedom and respect - the relationships will be based on. We'll care about the happiness and the misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same in wanting and needing inner peace, happiness, and not wanting to suffer. However, our lifestyles and interests may be more compatible with those of some people more so than with others, and that is alright. In any case, our relationships will be based on mutual Love, mutual interests, and the wish to help each other in life.


SOURCE: Thubten Chodron.