What is the best way to stop trying to please everybody?

Question

How can one stop being people pleaser? What is the best way to overcome fear of rejection?
I’ve been this way since I was little (I’m almost 30 now) and this issue brought me nothing but pain.
I know deep inside me that it has nothing to do with the reality, yet I continue to act as if something was horribly wrong with me and expect everybody to “find out”, and therefore leave me sooner or later.
I’ve had it with it! I’ve had it with repeating my past/childhood over and over again.
Any advice on how can I be myself?

Answer 1

Just slap yourself really hard whenever you please someone when you don't need to.

Answer 2

No one can please everybody--try as they may. It is a shame that you have felt that you must do this, especially because you were afraid of rejection.

It's time to think about YOU for a change. You need to put the past behind you, and get on with your (happier) present life. You might want to enroll in a class that truly interests you, take up a hobby that you will enjoy, treat yourself to a vacation (or at least a day-trip) to somewhere that makes you happy.

You can take out books on self-esteem, positive affirmations, and other self-help books from the library. Some of them really help to change the way you feel about yourself. Also, regardless of whether or not you practice a religion, I have found that Buddhist books (particularly those written by the Dalia Lama) can make you feel good (they are not religious, but philosophical for the most part). Of course, if you do practice a religion, prayer will also help.

I get the feeling that something very bad happened to you when you were a young child or adolescent. I also think that you blame yourself for whatever that was. Anything bad that happens during childhood is not the fault of the child! Too many people blame themselves for things that others did to them as children.

I sincerely doubt that anything is wrong with you - at least nothing that you can't overcome now that you have reached a more mature age. That is why I suggested you join a class or hobby where you might meet new people who share your interests--thereby helping you to put the past behind you, and letting you be yourself.

You are off to a good start, just in saying "I've had it..." You know that things can be better for you. I wish you much luck, and hope that you are feeling better very soon. Remember, you can do it.

Answer 3

You have to keep telling yourself that you are a great person. You don't need to constantly reward others. The people who are close to you matter the most. I think it's time that you treat yourself.

I am a pretty sensitive person. So any criticism really gets to me. I try to set it aside. Being a people pleaser isn't always a bad thing...unless it consumes your life. You don't have to give it up completely, just put yourself first.

If you keep focusing on the details, you'll miss the bigger picture.

Good luck

Answer 4

You have to start looking at the situation like this...

If you are putting yourself out there for people, you have to ask yourself, would this person do this for me?

If not, you have to evaluate why you feel the need to please them. Do they genuinely need you? Are their motives selfish? I'm not saying don't do anything for anybody, but you have to start thinking about yourself before you do, and how you are going to feel by saying yes.

You want to be appreciated and loved, and most people aren't going to emotionally give you the feeling you want on the inside. It sucks and you are going to wonder why, and the answer I come up with is that people think about themselves first. So much sometimes that they don't even realize when they are hurting others, even those closest to them. I am a lot like you in terms of people pleasing, and feeling rejected, but my answer is closing myself off to people, building walls so to speak, to keep from getting hurt. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and associates, and can be very loving and caring, but I have just become very careful who I let get close to me and who I trust. I have learned that people will disappoint you til the day you die...and I have a feeling you are blaming yourself instead, probably worried that YOU are disappointing people in your life. I say the first step is just evaluating what in your relationships with people makes you happy, and what makes you feel like you are compromising yourself...then, work on those things a little bit at a time. It won't be a quick fix, because its a part of who you are, but slowly you will recognize a stronger you who is learning to love yourself more and put yourself first.

Answer 5

It took me a long time, but once I realized that in trying to make everyone else happy or comfortable, I was making myself miserable. I decided to start saying what I felt and speaking my mind, not in an angry or mean way, but knowing that I really didn't care what certain co-workers, strangers or aquaintences thought. It actually felt good to have my own opinion and voice after all those years! Not everyone is going to like you or what you have to say in life and knowing deep down that, for the most part, those that "reject" you, weren't worth it anyway.

Answer 6

Having gone through this myself I've found that it's most helpful to understand why you have this need. Did you feel that your parents had impossibly high expectations for you? Were your parents oblivious to your achievements? What made you feel the need to gain peoples approval by putting your needs second to theirs? Unfortunately, it's not as easy as just willing yourself to stop. This is a need that you have, you have to figure out why you have this need and find other ways that you can fulfill it.

E-mail me if you have any questions.

Good luck!

Answer 7

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Answer 8

spend a lot of time alone. like no relationships, and no formal job. basically exclude yourself from society for a while. to take a look at it from a distance and realize just how stupid some social rules are. then you can sort out what you are doing for others vs doing for yourself- or for survival.

Answer 9

I had this problem for many years...about 35 to be precise. I entered a marriage to please people, it ended very ugly. I hated myself for many, many years. its very tiring to keep up an illusion to keep so many people happy, family, friends and so on. One day I just said **** it, and enveloped all my true thoughts around myself and just went with them. I upset some of my family,and friends, but those who really loved me stuck with me. All I can be is myself. the good the bad and the ugly. Just embrace yourself...embrace the good and the bad. It's okay.

Answer 10

The book "boundaries" by Henry Cloud is great for this! The best place you can be to produce change is fed up with your own patterns. Read, research, and try something new.

Answer 11

Love yourself and practice realising your unique value. It's kinda like a form of meditation to affirm; just let it make you high and keep refining it over a long time