I found out that my boyfriend of three years had cheated on me with a woman, but it was a non-physical affair. (I know some people do not refer to that as cheating, but I do.) He met her online and although he did meet her in person twice, most of his interaction with her was via email over a year and half time span. We have decided to try to work things out and stay together, and he has assured me that there is no further contact with her. Here's the problem, though: I am the one who can't let her go. I am constantly looking at her myspace page and her match.com profile. How do I rid myself of this obsession? I constantly compare myself to her and it has done serious damage on my self-esteem...not to mention the damage it is doing to any chances of us successfully getting past this.
2007-02-09 15:00:10 · 19 answers · asked by Mel 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Honestly I believe you keep looking at her pictures/profile because you are still looking for answers.You want to know.What drew your boyfriend to her in the first place?If you want to get past this.You should stop looking at her pictures/profiles.It is like rubbing salt into an open wound.You should stop comparing yourself to her.You should focus on the positive qualities you posses that you bring into the relationship with your boyfriend.You have loyalty.You have honor.You have integrity.You have the ability to forgive.The ability to love.Those are some pretty strong qualities to posses.Your heart has been broken so I believe it is natural your self esteem would suffer.You would want to know.What she possessed that you didn't?What drew her to your boyfriend in the first place?I believe that would be a natural reaction to anyone in your situation.I just do not believe looking at her pictures and profiles are going to answer the questions that you seek.I believe in order to get past this you need the answers you are searching for..You should turn to your boyfriend for the answers you seek.Then decide if you want to move forward in your life with him or move on in your life without him.
2007-02-09 17:48:05 · answer #1 · answered by noga 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust is a main part of any relationship. If you really want this to move on you HAVE to pull away from the computer. Spending quality time with each other. Start going out more as in a date night. Rebuilding those damaged spots in the relationship is a must, and it seems the only way for you to do so is to step away from the computer until you have that peace of mind and trust again. Good Luck
2007-02-09 15:11:59 · answer #2 · answered by gin_dawgu1 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
After three years of being in a relationship, you ought to know if you want to make this a life-long commitment, and what he did was somewhat of an indicator of what his character is. I imagine you feel quite betrayed. For him to have had contact with her for that length of time means that his loyalty to you was easily divided. I would seriously re-think what is drawing you to such a person who it took a year and a half to get to the point of saying to themself, "I'm betraying my girlfriend by doing this". Not to add to your pain, but what makes you so sure they did not have a physical relationship? Because "HE" said so? Trust is earned, and he has damaged whatever trust you had. I hope he is acting remorseful, otherwise he hasnt learned anything about how he hurt you. As for your curiosity about her, that's normal, you want to really understand what attracted him to her. I hope he is going out of his way to show you he is sorry. Good Luck.
2007-02-09 15:37:18 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cool it! Seperate from your boyfriend and re-evaluate what your needs are. You might find it's time to move on. You might not. But it will help to stop and take a look at things! Don't stay in the relationship if you can't let this "other woman" go. It won't be fair to either of you.
2007-02-09 15:04:43 · answer #4 · answered by Delta Charlie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Will power originates from a decision. First, you must decide that you want to move on and get beyond this.
And you are right, your continued obsession will corrupt your relationship to the point of disaster and mistrust. You will drive him away, regardless of any involvement on his part.
You need to get happy with yourself. believe in yourself. Make this about you, not her. You need to occupy your time with things you like to do. Even better if it occupies him too. If you must travel the web, create your own space. Focus on your life. Before long she will be out of your mind.
2007-02-09 15:18:51 · answer #5 · answered by TopCatt 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow thats horrible I was in a similar situation. But it was a real ex of my boyfriends not just an online fling. I constantly looked at her profile too. But it wasnt to compare myself, it was to fill my curiousity. It irritated me that she still wanted to keep talking to him.
If you cant trust the person you with then why be with them?
This is something I had to constantly ask myself.
Do you still trust him?
2007-02-09 15:40:43 · answer #6 · answered by Diana 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your going to have to take a break and let this go, because if you keep going like you are, YOU will ruin the relationship even if it had a chance of being saved. Personally, if he went that far in your relationship already, I'd let it go now. When a guy is REALLY sure you are the one....no one else captures his attention....at least not that early. I'd move on.
2007-02-09 15:08:28 · answer #7 · answered by 123..WAIT! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like the damage has been done and could be unrepairable. Will you ever trust him again? If you really want to try and work things out with him you will have to 1.) quit obsessing over her or 2.) throw out the dang computer!
2007-02-09 15:04:40 · answer #8 · answered by missellie 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I understand your obsession with the other woman. You really want to see what she may have over you. And trying to understand what drew your bf to her and what sustained his attention. I don't think you can get over something like that completely. Give it time and see if you can get past it. If you can't then he may have hurt you too badly. He has been deceitful and that was a long time that he kept it from you. Does he really deserve another chance? Maybe getting away from him will help you overcome your insecurity?
2007-02-09 15:06:17 · answer #9 · answered by true blue 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am having the same issue. My husband had an obsession with a prostitute and actually visited her, although he said they did not have sex (which she confirmed). I feel so compelled to keep looking at her instagram and the comments he left her. Everyone I know tells me he was crazy to cheat on me, that I am "beautiful," but how can I believe them? My self-esteem is shot. I know how you feel. I am glad it is not just me.
2014-02-18 08:44:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋