What should I do?

Question

My husband of 11 years is an excellent provider, a hard worker, faithful, and dependable in a crisis or significant event. However, I feel extremely neglected. I have been crying myself to sleep over this at least 3 nights a week for about the past 6 months. If I tell him that I feel this way, he responds that I need to get my own set of friends. If I talk to him about work, he just puts whatever the issue or problem is in my own lap. For instance, he said "Well, she pays you to put things in perspective for her. Your job is to handle her. You're not doing a very good job." This is in response to my boss complaining all the time about insignificant issues with my staff (taking an extra 2 minutes for lunch, literally, trust me - she's a B!) I have little to no emotional support from him. He is absolutely not a friend to me. I've made multiple appointments with a counselor but he is always to busy to go. What should I do?

Answer 1

Go to the counsellor by yourself. They may be able to help you find a way to communicate your needs to your husband, so that he gets it. A wonderful book that helped my marriage is called 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' It is about how men and women are wired differently (in the brain) and how to communicate with each other. He doesn't realise that you feel that he doesn't love you. He probably does but, he thinks that being a provider etc. is what makes you feel loved. Another book about feeling loved as called 'The Five Love Languages' it is also amazing. The counsellor could probably help you with your boss as well. Hang in there, there is still hope. Best wishes.

Answer 2

I have learned something, that you should never bring your 'work' related problems home with you. Anotherwards, leave 'work' at work, not at home. That is why maybe your husband gets irritated when you bring issues from work and try to discuss them with him. Not every husband likes to hear complaints about work because they probably go through it all the time at their job. He has given you his advice, but it may not be what you want to hear, because he sees it differently than you do.

The only thing to do is listen to his advice, but don't make your work related problems become a habit or a very long story for him, he doesn't take it very well. Keep it short!

In what way do you feel neglected? Don't understand. I don't see any neglecting here with what you posted about him because he already gave you his advice, but you didn't like it. Remember? So that is not neglecting you, that is trying to help you!

Maybe you are not getting any attention because you are not giving him attention as well. If he tells you to get some friends, maybe you need to find some friends who you can talk to. Your husbands can be good with sharing other things with you, but he is not good with solving 'work' related problems. So he is a friend to you in other ways.

You both need to have an agreement to both see a counselor. But has it occur to you that maybe you are just going through some changes within yourself? Go see a doctor for a full checkup and let the doc know how you been acting with always crying. It could be hormone changes, or a sign of depression.

Otherwise, get these books called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage".

Remember, when bringing stuff from work, make it short to him....your time at home is spending it with him and your kids, not about work. (smile)

Answer 3

Maybe your husband hasn't changed but perhaps he has been like this all along and you are feeling more sensitive. Maybe it is a physical problem of hormones. Just a thought ... So say your doctor doesn't find a problem, then the stress at your job is getting to you and really if you think about it, there isn't anything your husband can do to change that. Personally I would go to a doctor of psychology for stress and depression crying for six months is a very good sigh of depression and then go from there to you both going to a marriage counselor. Trust me your not crazy but may have come to the end of your rope.

Answer 4

First and foremost: Men can be insensitive jerks sometimes. It is just a fact. They aren't as emotional as we are. So, when he hears your gripes about your boss, he is just seeing that as something you should be talking to other women about...because he can't identify and doesn't really care. I know that sounds harsh, but it really is true. And while I'm not defending him by any means, maybe he does have a point on the friends issue. Do you have other women friends you can talk to about things? Women are just much more sympathetic and kinder listeners. Don't place all of your life onto your husband's shoulders. You have to remain separate people. While he definitely could stand to be a little more understanding (can't they all?), I think it would also help your marriage a great deal if you weren't quite so dependent upon him.

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

It would be a good idea to see the counselor by yourself. It sounds like you have a very stressful job. Also, remember that your happiness is inside of you, not inside of someone else.

Because of the stress in your job, take time for R&R. Find things to do that make you happy--hobbies, volunteering, music, food, friends--and do those things. Join a church group, volunteer group, or hobby group and start working on finding some friends.

Realize also that if you keep holding your husband responsible for your happiness, that it could break up your marriage.

Work on finding your own relief from the stressful job. Try to make your home a peacful sanctuary for you both.

Answer 6

Well Honey, if he isnt willing to even keep an appointment to see a counselor - then that should tell you right there! If you are crying yourself to sleep 3 nights a week and he dont give a rats a.s.s. about that - then find someone who does! And you dont need the insensitive p.r.i.c.k! Being married means each of you should be "there" for each other, for love & support. Sounds like you arent getting anything from the relationship, so perhaps suggest a trial seperation? If nothing else it might shake him up abit and you can see if you feel any better out by yourself. You may even meet someone way nicer and supportive than your husband. If nothing else you may have some fun, and by the sounds of it you are way overdue for some of that! Best of Luck!

Answer 7

I can relate! My husband and I were friends at one point in our lives but somewhere along the way that has changed. I suggest you go to the counseling without him if he is to "busy" to go. It may help you to learn how to deal with this situation in a more postive way-if nothing else it will give you someone to talk to and at least get some sort of feedback!

Answer 8

he sounds like a selfish individual. only looking out for himself and not you. why would you want to be neglected. while i do agree people need to have their own time, outside of the relationship, what he is doing is just wrong. you have no support from him. you sound intelligent to me, so you go to a counselor and find out why you would want to keep someone in your life who is so....ummm....ignorant.

Answer 9

Go to the councilor by yourself and get things straight in your life. You might realize more of what is going on and either help to make things better, or at least to make your own life better.

Answer 10

If you go see a counselor they will give you the tools to deal with your boss and hubby. You sound like you are just over whelmed and they can help with that. Please go by yourself. Good luck.