A girl at my work showed me a message that he sent her stating " I don't mean any harm, but you are so beautiful". He doesn't know that the person he sent a message to is a friend of mine. She know his picture from being first on my friend list. They have never met. He also does not have any pictures of me on his profile. With the exception of being on his friend list. Am I overreacting or is something wrong with this picture?
2007-02-09 11:04:01 · 33 answers · asked by pretty_as_me 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
"I don't mean any harm, but..."
That's how it starts. I'm not going to get ranting about how porn is the bane of society and the moth that eats at the moral fibre of our grand nation and all that sh*t. Because that is ridiculous.
The bottom line is HE IS LOOKING. For what? I don't know, but apparently it's something he's not feeling in his relationship with you. Don't get all upset about this. Getting all emotional over a simple fact, a truth, will do nothing to solve the situation and will not make you feel any better. Okay, so he's not satisfied somehow. If you get all weepy and hurt and confront him, he'll retreat and just hide his activity, because you've confirmed his impression that you are unapproachable.
You need to sit down with him calmly and quietly, letting go of how this makes you feel (because that's just a related yet separate problem to be solved), and letting him know what you know. Don't back him into a corner. Let him know that you want and need honesty between you, and that you are very concerned that he is dissatisfied somehow with your relationship. Ask him, is there something that you could be improving about yourself that would help him? What is he looking for from this relationship with you?
Now remember that no shouting, no pouting, no screaming and sobbing is allowed. Don't accuse, don't assume...you are asking him to communicate his needs with you. That is all. The surfing of profiles on MySpace is not a problem in itself; it is, however, a SYMPTOM of a deeper problem: a lack of intimacy. That's not an accusation or anything. It happens to most people, and it happens when we stop "resting" in one another as life partners, an start treating one another as just one more person we have to "deal with" every day. You guys are supposed to be a team! The two of you against the world! Where did that go? Was it ever there? Do you want it to be that way?
The only solution here is clear, honest, concise communication. If you suck at it right now, don't worry, lots and lots of practice seriously improves this skill. The kind of communicating I'm talking about is scary. It's serious stuff, and you'll be asking the big questions of one another. If your marriage is worth continuing, you'll be well rewarded for the risks you took in clearing the air between you. But if your marriage is not meant to continue...that bites...but at least you haven't wasted any more of one another's time living a life that was a lie, right? Truth is truth, and it will find it's way out to the light eventually. The question is, do you want to waste your life trying to cover it up? Or do you want to reveal it and have done with it now?
Ask the scary questions. Be fair and honest, and don't play games with one another. Don't play on one another's guilt, sympathies or insecurities. Don't fight. Just discuss. Work together to find answers/truths and come up with sensible solutions. The goal is simple: to live a good life.
Anyway, it sounds like your husband is in a bit of denial. He's flirting with the idea of having an affair. Right now, because he throws in the default disclaimer "I don't mean any harm...", "I don't want to cheat on my wife...", "I really am a nice guy...", etc. he is able to justify what he is doing...which boils down to SEARCHING for something outside of your relationship, when he SHOULD be reaching out to you. It's up to you to recognize that he is in denial and confront him (kindly) with it, offering him the opportunity to discuss this matter with you.
I wish you both the best of luck.
2007-02-09 11:39:19 · answer #1 · answered by intuition897 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes something is really wrong here. I was in the EXACT same position as you in terms of my spouse's myspace page not having any pics of me our our children and saying that she was single. Use your woman's intuition and confront him. I like the idea mentioned earlier about allowing your friend to contact him(of course with your permission) and monitor the type of communication. There's nothing wrong being friendly but there is a definate line that he crossed and he feels guilty because he is closing or changing the page.
Here is a test.... Since there are no pics of you on his myspace check for these things. Does he allow comments from you to be displayed. Can you leave him an "I love you" on there for everyone to see, without him removing it or giving you a hard time? Is he listed as single? married? no answer? Check his friends. Most friends on peoples myspace page are generally people they truly do know. If there are some women that you do not recognize and they are local or nearby than I would take that he is checking his options.
The good thing here is that you have a chance to make a change before it gets to that point. It should allow for some real talking that you both need to do because there are obvious issues that need addressing. I was able to confront my wife and we had several major discussions and now everything is fine. Takes time, but you need to nip it now before it gets worse. If you'd like send me an email and I can be a little more specific in details
Take care girl and god bless
2007-02-09 11:41:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If my husband were doing it, I would certainly be concerned. (My actual name is Therese and I am female.) As a married woman, I certainly wouldn't feel right browsing for men unless it was for some kind of work or interest group like tennis players or human resource managers, not just looking for the handsome ones. And the face that he changes the page indicates he feels he has something to hide. I personally don't think you are overreacting however I don't think you should consider your marriage ruined. However, I'm not sure what you should do about it. Hopefully, someone else will have a reasonable suggestion that is not too extreme either way.
2007-02-09 11:15:05 · answer #3 · answered by Terry 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is definitely a problem here.
Your husband is keeping secrets from you. He is (at a minimum) involved in fantasy escapism that could become real at any time if one of the women he writes to decides she wants to get to know him better.
What you do about it depends on where you are in your relationship with him. If you feel your relationship has been relatively good, then you need to find a way to talk with him about whats going on with him. Marriage counseling would be a very good choice at this point, assuming not too much secret betrayal (e.g. an affair) has happened yet. It may seem expensive, but considering the cost of a broken marriage it may not be in the long run.
But if things have already gotten out of hand and he has fundamentally violated your trust in him, or your relationship is already not too good, this could be a moment of truth for you. In all cases, you need to get to a meeting of the minds with him. Ignored problems do not go away, they only grow larger.
Caution - if you confront him over this without professional help, chances are his behavior will not change, only his amount of secrecy around it.
Finally, if your husband is not happy in your marriage, you may have to accept that you may need to grow and change some, along with him. A counselor will help you both sort these issues out without allowing world war III to start.
2007-02-09 11:50:59 · answer #4 · answered by bearvarine 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well if it were me my husband wouldn't even have a myspace two married people shouldn't have one, what would be the purpose of this? When you have someone who would just openly tell a woman that when he is married it's very disrespectful. But that's the man you chose, so now you have to live with his decision. If he's going this far now, it's only going to get worse. You can wait until then, wait it out, or chose to leave him before he hurts you. Good luck!
2007-02-09 11:16:12 · answer #5 · answered by April 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes something is wrong. He has no reason to be looking at other women's profiles at all, much less telling them they are beautiful. He could be sending msgs to alot of other women. I can see this leading to him having an affair.
He should be proud of you, his wife, and should have pictures of you posted on his site.
If this was my husband I would buy that spy software for your computer that shows you all the stuff he does (history can be deleted). Also ask him to go to counseling (most men are against counseling so if he agrees, the marriage is really important to him).
2007-02-09 11:20:57 · answer #6 · answered by krissy p 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Something is WRONG with this picture... obviously.
He shouldn't even have female "friends" like that on MySpace. When you're in love and in a committed relationship, you could care less about any other female...or male for that matter.
He is apparently making time to "cruise" for other females.
Is it harmful? Of course. Don't let anyone fool you into believing that it's not.
2007-02-09 11:51:03 · answer #7 · answered by ~Me~ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Something is wrong with this picture. Why does he have to change the page when you come in the room? He shouldn't be telling other woman that they are cute. I would check up on him and look at the history on the computer when he isn't around.
2007-02-09 11:07:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd say somethings wrong. Sounds to me like hes tryin to keep his options open. Its easy to meet ppl online without them ever having to know that you're involved. I would be offended if my man didn't post pics and info about our marriage on his myspace. I mean why not? Unless you have other motives. I'd tell him to cut the crap. I've seen this happen so much. Honey he doesn't want anyone to know that hes with you, hes prolly lookin to hook-up with someone, just for some illict sex that you'll never know about. This kinda crap steams me. Tell him to get it together or throw the damn computer out on the lawn!!
2007-02-09 11:12:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
From what u have said the evidence shows that he is talking to other women, so no u are not overreacting because its natural to expect something when your spouse hide things from u and is acting very supicious. so follow your conscious and let your heart guide u in the right direction.
2007-02-09 11:09:43 · answer #10 · answered by jlmccln87 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋