why does my mother inlaw hate me?

Question

i am 23 married, educated british Hindu living in England and i am finding it really hard to get on with my Mother in law. She really dislikes me but her son could do no wrong. How do i make this better? we live in the same country but very different generations. She wants me to be her ideal bahu and i want to work and be successful. How can i best achieve a balance or as a hindu wife should my priorities lie with my husband and his family.

Answer 1

I don't know a lot about your culture - but I have been married for 15 years and for the first 10 or so, I felt "tolerated" by my mother in law. I haven't spoken with her for the last two. I have a lot, I mean A LOT of anger built up torward this woman - She has had nothing to do with our children (who are teenagers) and the only time we do hear from her is when she needs attention. (I know, it sounds so childish) Someone is sick, or dying..... I am so old, tired... ugh. I know, I sound heartless, but I swear, I'm not. I listened and listened for several years to all of it, all the while, wondering, "Are you even going to ask how your grandchildren are?" nothing. She lives cross country and we have time and time again offered to pay for a plane ticket out here to visit the grandkids she has never seen. She didn't bite. She DID however go to Las Vegas a few times on vacation. UGH. If there is one piece of advice I can give you it's this - I'm sorry to say this, but you are probablly being tolerated simply b/c you are married to the prodigal son. She wouldn't dare talk bad to you or about you b/c she knows that would possibly mean being cut out of her son's life. So the snide, under cuts will suffice for her. Is your house not clean enough? Been there. Is your husband wearing the same old clothes? Done that. You can't win. Accept it. Let him draw his conclusions on his own and keep your opinion to yourself. TRUST ME. They can bag on their mom till the cows come home, say the exact thing you are thinking - and swear that they have had it with her. If you chime in and start talking trash - it's like a completely different person emerges. All of a sudden, they will defend her and get mad at you for saying those things. Never mind they said the exact same thing two seconds ago. Just keep your opinions to yourself, and in fact, talk to someone else, say a girlfriend about it. As far as your relationship with her goes - I would say, have you ever heard the expression, "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar" - be as sweet as you possibly can WITHOUT going out of your way for her. Don't call her or attempt to engage her in any way. Leave that for your son. Let the relationship be all about him and her. If he says, "mom invited us over for dinner sunday" Say - wonderful and if you can stomach going , be as sweet as you can without biting your lip off. if you can't stomach her - I would make up an "prior commitment" and call her ever so sweetly and tell her thank you so much and blah blah blah. LET HER AND HER SON DO THEIR THING. Eventually he will see that you are a rose and she is the thorn. Good luck

Answer 2

Your priorities are with your husband,You did not marry his Mother,or his Father,or any one else in his family.If your she can't understand that,there is nothing you can do.In her eyes,you or ant other woman will never be good enough for her son..That's just how some Mother's are.I don't know the customs in your Country,but you as a woman,wife,deserve respect.From his Mother,Father,his family,and most of all,him.So don't worry yourself about his Mother,or anyone else.Make a conscience decision to confront this situation.Preferably with your husbands help,but if not confront his Mother Woman to Woman.She may not like what you have to say,nor will your husband.But if you want things to change you'll say what you need to say without backing down.Not just that one time,but anytime.I'm not saying be mean about it,but be firm.

Answer 3

It's part of the job description for mothers in law. Its not just you, but no one would have been good enough for her precious son. Buy her a pair of scissors for mothers day and tell her it to be used in cutting the apron strings from her son. Or cook her a curry that will burn her insides (and behind). I prefer the second option.

Then promise yourself that you won't be an equally dificult mother in law when your turn comes.

Answer 4

She does not hate you dearie. She just does not understand or cannot accept times have changed. So she stayed home raised the kids, did the cooking,housework,laundry. IT'S 2007- women have become self sufficient with careers, kids hubby's and homes. Unfortunately, your mother in law has not moved into your world- no need to go into hers as they are completely different. It's a balancing act, one you will have to learn and tread lightly into. Good luck kiddo.

Answer 5

I have been in the same situation. But I am happy now. It has been 4yrs we left and started everything from new only for ourselves. My husband has always stood by me. And since we have left that house we have achieved which we are happy for. I do talk to her but I do not involve my self in to any thing. Trust me I tried everything to be ideal DIL and be her friend but she likes to rule which ofcourse is not possible bcoz she has never respected me. So today I think the best thing we have done, by leaving that house. Good luck.

Answer 6

Go about being successful. You never know what the future holds. You could divorce or God forbid he would die and where would you be? Stuck in a harem and not knowing what to do. He married you being who you are and not what his mother wants you to be. Go out there in the world and make something of yourself so you can be proud of you.

Answer 7

Focus on the marriage not the in laws. Many in laws dislike their children's spouse for various reasons. Many times it's because they think no one is good enough for their child.

Answer 8

Mother in laws hate everybody. It's in their nature.

Come to think of it, practically ever mother in law I know is a pain in the butt to their sons/daughters in law.

Answer 9

You've done the unforgiveable thing in her eyes. You STOLE her baby boy from her. Do not let have a say so about your life or marriage. She's a bitter woman.

Answer 10

she dislikes u because u and her are not alike, maybe she sees u going after your dream and she never did, maybe some jealousy there. your priorities should lie with your husband but why his family?