should one stay married if LOVE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING???

Question

After 19 years, seven kids, grandchildren and heartache... should one stay because of the kids and grandkids even if there is nothing left between us? He claims theres love however, it seems more like obsession to me.

Answer 1

I believe that if love is truly gone from the marriage, then the marriage has no raison d'etre. It's null and void. It is forfeit. I feel that it cheapens what marriage is meant to be when couples stay together because they feel that they're "supposed" to. Then again, I'm a romantic and an idealist. The realist says that there IS such a thing as a marriage of convenience. And I guess that's fine, but call it what it is. If you feel like two strangers now, why do you force yourselves to share the same bed? If you feel no love or desire for your husband, can you feel right about it when you make "love" together? Or do you feel compromised and empty because the meaning that used to be there...just isn't?

I think I understand where your husband is coming from; perhaps he seems "obsessed" because to him if your marriage ends, to him, it will seem like he has failed. This likely has very little to do with you, and everything to do with his ideals and goals that he has set for his life. Perhaps he feels that failure at marriage means failure as a person. Talk to him about this. The best thing my husband and I ever did for our marriage was scrap it...and start over again at ground zero. Was there anything left? Did we still want to try? Was there love? The answer was surprisingly yes to all three. So we started building up from there, based on OUR rules, and OUR needs...this was OUR marriage, and nobody else will EVER be allowed again to dictate what is and is not right for us. Once you make this pact with one another, you've started re-paving the road to true intimacy. It's a safe nest you make, a sacred thing between you. It has nothing to do with sex. It's the place you go inside yourselves, a sort of shrine to one another, where you almost ritualistically put on Love like a crown or a cloak before you allow yourself to speak to one another. It's the promise to, as individuals, bring your problems to the table and speak to one another plainly, with respect and loving concern, and you do not play on one another's sympathies or guilts. No game-playing is allowed at the Table. You just talk, as though your spouse is a complete stranger, because we often treat strangers with more kindness and respect than we do the people we are most familiar with. I think we forget that.

I can't tell you to stay or go. You both need to ask yourselves whether or not this is the best way to be living your lives, and if you're missing out on a better life by continuing the way you are. As they say, life is damned short.

I have to wonder whether love is truly gone or if it's just a matter of being so far apart for so many years? If you look up, there's another lonely person standing right there beside you. Speak plainly with him, and tell him what your vision of a happy marriage is. I don't know about you, but I fell most deeply in love with my husband when he was at what he perceived to be his weakest: he was broken and vulnerable, and he reached out to me - to ME - at that time. His greatest strength was his weakness. But that's just me. What do you need from a life partner? Is there anything of that in him?

Everyone is worth loving, simply because they are human. Sometimes we cannot live with them, though because we don't work well together. Where you and your husband stand with one another in that respect is something only the two of you can determine.

I wish you both the best, whatever your decision.

Answer 2

When you are at a certain age, love is not the only thing. There are a lot of practical matters and things that you own. Unless you hate each other or can't stand to be in the same place, or want to make yourself available to other suiters, being together even as friends can be practically more advantageous than starting a new life all over. You can probably travel a lot more and see old friends and so can he, but no need to do it together as an obligation. And you know that while you are away, there is someone in the house to take care of things.

One more thing, because it is true with me. Together, we have enough money and properties to last for a long time comfortably even if both of us stop working. Splitting would put each of us in a marginal situation.

Answer 3

Hi lucy ,
I am in a simlar situation , but only 7 years and 2 kids. I stay here for my children as well. I have love and admiration for the man but that is all at this point. He also seems obsessed and what he claims to be love is more like he doesnt want anyone else to be with me so we both just stay. I stay because I have no family to help with childcare while I work and cant afford to work and pay chilcare and cover all the bills. Right now it is convenience.... I hope it isnt the same for me 19 years from now. I hope you get the answers you are looking for as i continue to do the same

Answer 4

There is something to be said for a long relationship. Maybe try looking at his good points. There may not be flair, but a weekend away or a romantic bottle of wine may be a kick start. Good men are hard to find, took me 15 years. Do you really want to wake up alone every day? If you dont love him, then no, dont stay. But if you're just bored, try something new. Maybe see a councelor, even a life councelor (someone more designed to change your life). Write down good points vs bad point, which is more.

Answer 5

I think your just bored of one another.Why leave know
you stuck it out this long.This should be the happiest time for you ,seeing your kids move on and your grandchildren grow.Love is there and always will be,
you have a history together.Get yourself a hobby or go out with friends ,do stuff that does not involve your spouse.I don't think you will be happy if you leave!

Answer 6

It takes work, but you can make it. If you go to another, you'll have problems with the next one also, might as well make the best of what you have. Life is what you make it, so give it a good try.

Answer 7

It probably is not love, but a long history. You have time in together. I would say split while you are still friends and enjoy life, but then that is just me. Your own mental health and how much you love yourself is more important.

Answer 8

Give it a chance and hang in there....the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You have had a good life it sounds like, do you think it could get better?

Answer 9

if you have turned over every stone, and done every single thing in your power to "fall back in love". (counseling, marriage retreats, etc....) then you two should split. if you haven't then you could be losing your life partner, and never know what that would have been like to grow old and die with someone.

Answer 10

No, one should never stay in an unhappy situation just for the principle of it.