help i feel like my bf is putting me 2nd to his ex wife or am i just being selfish?

Question

i have been with tom for 4yrs and we are to marry next summer.he has been divorced for 5yrs with a 7yr old child.the problem is his exwife she treats me like a doormat(tells me what i can and can't do with thier child,talks badly about me to our freinds+family ect)and all my bf does is makes excusses why he will not stand up for me(can't control what she says,don't want to make waves for his son ect)becuase he has joint custody of his son i have to deal with her all the time.now to makes matters worse after all she does to me hes nice to her(listens to her health problems,changes his childs visatation schedule around to help her out,basicly does what ever she whats)why when he knows how upset i get does he do this?why can't he stand up to her?hes the one who left her because she was so controlling to me it seems she still is

Answer 1

I am sorry, but your situation sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.

No, you are not being selfish, but the situation is what it is. Like it or not, the mother of your BF's son is alway going to be in your life. If you don't think you can handle that, get out now.

Answer 2

Stop! Breathe! You are not alone in this, I can almost tell you your boyfriend's actions because i have one that's somewhat the same. He's a nice guy and everyone knows it (especialy his ex), am I right? He loves his son, and wants to avoid exposure conflict; which is realisticaolly understandable...oh but not for us! Women want that security, knowing our men will back us up and pull out his shiny sword upon any threat to us. I suggest you rationally evaluate the situation before you approach your bf again. Let him know how you feel and what it is you want (be reasonable, he can't run her over with his car or cut her out of your lives. Don't let her and her envy (because we never let go of someone we've loved) win. She wants to believe that she's the better woman and he is missing out on a good thing. Don't make demands, Men hate that, forget what Oprah says. You cant change the fact that she's abitch, you can either fight fire with fire or exhaust her with your maturity. Show her you're not affected by her gossip, and don't give her ammo. Only speak to her when necessary and about the kid. If you and your bf live together, give her limitations and show her who's here now. ecause your boyfriends somewhat right, he cant stop her from being a *****, he can stop how much he'lll take. Continue to treat the child well and communicate with your bf. Men are not psychic, hell they never know what's going on unless you say it slow. LOL, At most, the 3 of you should discuss the issues, women find that they actually like each other aftrer their bitchy cat fights. I wish you the best in this situation, let me know what happens

Answer 3

1. You have only begun to appreciate what it will be like to be a stepmother. If you're not prepared for that role, don't marry the guy.
2. It's ALL about the kid and attempting to minimize the effect of the divorce. Tom and his ex are STILL the biological parents. Tom is giving in so that he does not lose visitation rights.
3. You would do well to get all the rules IN WRITING from the child's mother. You may not be able to implement them as she would, but things should go a little smoother.
4. You are only involved in health/safety issues for the child. Everything else is between Tom and his ex, especially discipline. Let them handle it.
5. It does not sound like the ex-wife is trying to run you off, just exercising her controlling attitude. She probably has primary custody of the boy, so Tom has little power to change things.
6. Unless YOU want to become the primary caregiver for the boy (which will put you squarely in the middle of any conflict), just let the "stuff" roll off you like water. Your relationship with Tom will improve if he's not arguing with you AND his ex-wife.

Here's the bottom line: During the last 4 years, does it seem that he has time to be a husband to you OR has it been like he's still married to his ex-wife?
If he has not neglected you and it's just lack of respect from his ex-wife (who's not going to give it to you anyway), then you probably need to talk to other stepmoms and learn how to cope with it.
However, if you have been a spectator girlfriend to this continuing debacle and Tom just gives you whatever time is left over, then you should SERIOUSLY consider whether you want more of the same after you are married. Time for a talk there.

Answer 4

I am a single mom of 2 and can relate to some what with your bf's ex when it comes to the kids. My ex and I said out vows, made that commitment to each other and had children with the promise that we would be there for them, no matter what.

Tom seems to know what the right thing to do is and that is be there for his child (the changed visitation times, putting up with the ex). He defintly sounds much more mature than how you are being.

What will you do if this child comes to live with you full time at some point? Whine and complain? Act like the first ex? You seem to already be going there.

You say yes to a life with a previously married man with a child. Expect not to be the one in control. Relationships arent a bout control and you are not going to gget your way. If you cant share his life then do them all a favor and find your own.

Answer 5

Okay, first things first....YOU'RE THE "NEWBIE" TO THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Remember that, when it comes right down to it, Tom's first priority will be for the welfare of his child. You're second, and rightly so. If things were reversed and you were the one with the child, then it would be right for you to put him second. The relationship he has with his ex, troublesome as it may be, is the way it is because he doesn't wish to inflict additional harm on his son.

Get used to it, or get out of the relationship.

You have every right to expect Tom's son to behave in certain ways when he's at your house, as it's your responsibility as an adult to make sure that he is abiding by the standards you and Tom work out. You also have the right to demand that Tom both enforce the "rules" the two of you come up with, as well as to stand up for how his son is being raised when with his father (and his father's new wife). However, your influence (same as Tom's) ends the minute he heads back to his mother's.

Lay a strong foundation for when Tom and his son are a part of your life, and realize that there are some boundaries that you're not going to be able to cross - specifically, where the ex-wife is concerned - because there's more involved when children are part of the equation.

Answer 6

Dealing with the ex is part of the territory of marrying or being involved with someone who has kids. Of course he's going to avoid any waves with her because she IS the mother of his child. Whether you want to or not, you have to try and respect that no matter how much of a b**** she is. Since he left her, he doesn't have to deal with her being controlling in the same form. But when it comes to kids, it gets messy. And you may also have to live with the fact the the child's mother is going to tell you what you can/can't do W/ her son because it's hard to know some 'other woman' is around your child... it's not necessarily something personal towards you. Obviously, she's mad & jealous that you're the new woman in her ex's life. Be proud, confident, kind, and open-minded.
Good luck!

Answer 7

You need to put your foot down. Sit Tom down and tell him that you will no longer stand for this. He needs to tell his ex that when his children(child) are with him and you, that she has no control or nothing to do with it. You also do not have a thing to do with it. If Tom really wants to be with you, then he needs to back you up. You do not have to talk to this woman at all.

Tell Tom that if he does not start standing up for himself, or his child, and even you, then his ex is going to run him in the ground for the rest of his childs 18 years. Ask him if this is what he wants out of life? He has rights as a parent even being in joint custody. If there is a court order and he has visitation at certain times of the week or month, then all he has to do is call her up and tell her to meet her or drop off here or pick the child up where ever and that is that.

He needs to stand up for himself and if his ex starts acting like a B*tch, and doesn't show up, he has every right to call the police.
If I were you and he doesn't do a damn thing to stand up for himself or anyone else in this situation, then you really need to consider if Tom is really what you want, and what you are really willing to sacrifice to be with him. If you have doubts and are not sure, then take a break and tell him to get his act together. If he does this, then you know where he holds you in reguard.

Answer 8

You are being selfish. He is acting this way for the sake of the child. And, you should get over it for the sake of the child. How will the child be served with strife between the father and mother? It won't.

You are an adult. And, sometimes adults have to play nice with people they do not like. And, think of how it will make the ex look if you are nice and forgiving. The best way to deal with this is to act the opposite of how she claims.

And, for the actions with the kid, you are dealing with the mother. It is not your child. So, unless your bf agrees with your parenting, you don't have a stake in this kid's life.

Answer 9

If you don't want to spend the rest of your life being controlled by this witch you better give your bf an ultimatium. Either set her straight or I'm out of here. It may sound extreme, but just think what it is going to be like with her running things, and make no mistake she is running things.

Answer 10

Ive been there, but where kids are concerned you can either let it run its course, or leave the relationship. Unfortunatelym she can tell you what to do with the child, its hers. Do yourself a favor, let her boss him around, he'll get sick of it. If he complains to you, just simply say "What did you expect". And dont listen to it. He'll get tired of it.
This is whats known as "Baggage".