17 and confused and hopeless about life; what to do?

Question

i'm feeling very very confused lately; i'm 17 and don't know what to do after high-school, and my parents have important jobs and i have to do something that's at least as important as that, can't let them down. But the thing i've always wanted was to find true love and have a big familty. As i grew up i realised that's almost impossible... i mean, i don't believe in love anymore. i tried to find happiness in religion, but ... i just can't feel it and i feel very guilty because i can't truely believe in God.

is this normal? has it happened to you? if so, did it turn out ok? is it gonna get even harder than this?

well, nothing really gets me all excited anymore. i guess i'm going through a very tough phase...

i like dream-related stuff; i've read a lot about and been practincing lucid dreaming. i also like to read a lot and to paint; but they're prob forms of escapism.

Answer 1

What you're feeling is very normal. It's also normal for people to feel confused and change direction through out their lives. You probably feel hopeless because you are comparing yourself to those around you who seem to have it all together. I don't want to downplay making your parents proud, just realize deep down they just want to see you happy.

Like the other post said, don't put so much pressure on yourself. Think of it as an adventure, not so much a test and you have to pick the right answer or else you're a failure. There are many possibilities for you and don't worry or feel bad if you pick the wrong one. That's what the process of living is all about. That's how you grow, it's how you learn what path is the better one for you and part of what makes life rewarding. This is a perfect time to learn about yourself, and learn what it is you really want.

From my own experience, the rest of my family all seemed to know what they wanted. They went straight to universities after high school, found success in their careers and had families. I reluctantly went to a university, struggled and my path has zigzagged quite a bit. If I knew what I know now, I would have gone to a junior college and worked during my basic core classes until I had really figured out what I wanted. I think either way, getting a degree helped me personally and made it easier to find work.

As for love, it's best to wait. Give yourself a chance to grow. You need to know who you are more and be confident in that in order to provide a nurturing home for your future family. Knowing that you want a loving relationship and a big family is a very good start to knowing what you want. These things should inform you of what type of person you want to date later, that is, someone who can provide a stable, loving home and who loves children also.

I wanted to also comment on what you said about religion. My personal experience is that it's important to maintain spiritual health in your life. Some people use religion for this purpose and it works well for them. There are also a lot of people who don't care for religion for many reasons, but still believe in being spiritual. I would recommend working on your faith in this way. You want to be sure of this especially when you have a family later. A strong spiritual foundation will help solidify your values, and (good) values will give you integrity and character.

A last note - it does get even harder, way harder, but in a good way. You will have the opportunity to deepen yourself in ways you didn't know were possible. Even when you think you have it all, a career, a family, etc., you will still be learning crazy new things that will make you realize that you know even less than you thought you did when you were young. This is because there is so much to learn, love, and experience in life that we barely have a chance to scratch the surface of it. That's what makes everything precious.

Answer 2

Yes 4x! But I believed in God and love. I still was depressed, because I thought for a while that I didn't and felt guilty about that. Each time I got depressed was worse until I finally got the help that I needed. It is normal to feel confused or depressed at this time of life. I feel that God and love eventually got me hopeful again and helped me decide what to do. It was only after my first year of college that this happened. I now want to be a psychologist. I am not surprised that you cannot believe in God. You don't believe in love and God is LOVE. Find love and you will find a purpose and God. Learn to feel and you will know what to do. I believe that most hopelessness is caused by spititual problems. I also believe some people find that they know what to do exactly when they need to know. Some people worry too much about the future. Also if religion didn't help people be happy, religion would not be so important to people. I think you know that though. The reason it makes people happy is that it provides answers about life. The most important thing for people to understand is identity. Find out who you really are. Almost all identities have to do with religion in some way. Whatever your indentity is it needs more development. Religion is one of many things that help develop identity. School, relationships, and work experience are others. No one can rely on family alone in order to develop identity. Identity just like most things in psychology is based on complexed biological and environmental factors. You have your parents genes, but you don't have thier experiences. You cannot be what they are. You have to be yourself. These things all need to be considered. Also don't believe that job success can make up for lack of true love. Success is empty if you don't have anyone to share it with. You need both success and love to be happy. I think that the kind of success that comes with dealing very difficult things is the best success. I don't know how I would be now if I didn't have the difficulties that I had a year ago. Probably still like you. It really does get worse before it gets better.

Answer 3

I had a similar problem. When I was seventeen, all I wanted was to find an good woman and I would have been happy. I didn't care what I did for a living otherwise. I thought I found myself a good girl, but 4 years later that didn't end up working out, so after a 2-year bender, I decided to move to California and start a business... which is what I'm in the process of making succeed right now. I hated college, didn't see the point in wasting a bunch of money on schooling to go into a career that I didn't think I wanted to go into (computer major).

So, yeah, I think it's normal. So far things are going great for me. Sure it's hard, but a day has yet to go by where I regret what I'm doing. I love being the master of my own future.

Two things I would suggest is to stop worrying so much about what your parents think and live for yourself and don't force yourself into a religion if you can't/don't truly believe in it.

One other thing... go to a community college and get your gen. eds out of the way, maybe that will help you decide what you really want to do with your life. Go part time and work the rest of the time. It will be productive and you'll get to stay on your parents insurance!!

If you never figure out what you want to do, eh, just do whatever and try to find yourself a good man.

Answer 4

Lyla:

At 17, it would be a major miracle if you DID know what you wanted out of life and if you did NOT have a million questions about the future, love, God, etc. It's just a normal part of growing up and maturing.

Most people don't "find" themselves until they are in their 20's & 30's. Picking a career for the sake of pleasing your parents will only please your parents... right? When they are gone you are still stuck with that choice.

I'm a old fart... and I've changed professions three times in my life. Thank God I didn't pick a career that my parents wanted. But, they were college professors, and encouraged us to explore the world and pick something that made us happy. I learned much about myself and the world have been able to be happy in my work.

I've encourage my girls to do the same. Now, at 27 and 24, they have both decided on a direction and are happy people.

Love will find you... that's pretty corny, but it IS true. I had a horrible first marriage because I married what I wanted instead of what I needed. My current wife (30+years) is as close to a soul-mate as you can get.

So, don't worry a whole lot. You'll get there... and look back on these years and wonder how you got through them. But you will get through them. :)

Take care...
TB

Answer 5

My view is the following: If your grades are acceptable why not start at a two year community college. Possibly a four school where you can actually feel the landscape as it were. My two daughters noticed many classmates had not selected a major until their mid junior year. Their mother and I were proud of their educations as they love their vocations. The oldest is a high school guidance counselor and the baby is a registered nurse in labor and delivery in a NC. hospital. I can't imagine what the pressure feels like in your house. I wish my psychological 30 year old could speak with you. She deals with high pressure parents daily. It's her job to drag out their attendance records, test scores and help the parents decide what's the best fit for success after HS. She's got a huge heart because she spends time with ALL juniors and seniors. Not the select few who's parents are demanding Yale or Harvard. The ironic part is the children of these parents pushers in some cases don't come to school for days, skip classes and there test scores are naturally not where they should be. Your selection of boys in college is also great. Young lady, when the college degree's pile up on your wall not a soul in the world can reclaim them. If your physically or physiologically feeling somewhat lost at the present time ask your mom or dad to see some one for help. I did long ago. I was never sorry. Good luck and be good to your self!

Answer 6

It sounds like you are feeling like you need to live up to someone elses expectations. Maybe that's true, but maybe it's exaggerated. I'm sure that all your parents really want is for you to be happy and healthy. Maybe you won't have an important job like your parents,but as long as you are successful on your life otherwise... then I think that's all that really matters.
For some people God/religion just doesn't offer the right answers. I am in no way religious, and feel like I can accomplish as much as the next person.

You are at a major transitional age... moving from childhood to adulthood. It is very normal to feel overwhelmed about the decisions you have to make... this is your future.

What I would recommend to you is to take a year off school... travel, figure out who you are in the world outside high school. Find something that interests you... try to take some schooling toward that. It may work out, it may not.... millions of us are doing what we thought we would be at the age of 17. You are very young still, adn have lots of time to find love, and have a big family.

Try not to take life too seriously... try to live happy, responsible, but happy. You are probably going through a little depression too... it might be worth talking toyour doctor about it.

Answer 7

You're 17. You're supposed to be confused about life. 80% of teenagers are confused. Are you going to college? You can start college and decide on a major aways down the road. It's not like you have to decide everything right this minute. You say you want to find true love and have a big family and that is an admirable goal. Please experience what life has to offer before making all these major decisions. Everything you are experiencing is normal. It happened to me, and I've now been married for 26 years to a beautiful woman and all is well. I'm not gonna tell you that everything will be peaches and cream, but things do get easier. Hang in there and do your best. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 8

You're certainly NOT alone in feeling like this! Your words brought back a lot of memories, many of unpleasant & frightening feelings I had when I was that age. Remember, not only is your body still developing, but so is your mind! The human brain doesn't really start using logic until around age 15, but once that happens, if you're a free thinker, you suddenly see the world stripped of many of the childhood beliefs and fantasies people fed you when you were young.

You start to understand that the world can be very hard and cruel and it may take years for you to see how you CAN change parts of that AND that there are still many wonderful things about life.

Try to find people both your own age who are like-thinkers (logical, inquisitive) and older ones (like teachers) who have "been there" and can guide and support you. Even parents or more open-minded aunts/uncles can do that sometime, so try telling yours how you're feeling.

I'd leave OUT the part about doubting in a god, since many parents flip about that (mine did!). I'm not telling you what to believe or not (take your time), but don't feel like you're a freak because you find the idea of a god illogical or improbable. There are many people who feel the same (look up some sites on atheism...just for info and personal stories from others). There are other ways to connect to spirituality (like Buddhism, medication, or getting out into nature).

Helping others or becoming politically active is a great way to give your life a sense of purpose and meaning. Hopefully, you will also work on being comfortable just being alone with YOURSELF, so you don't need to jump into a starting a family so soon!

Regarding love, it can happen at your age, and if it does, you can embrace it without getting tied down, either in marriage or by having kids too soon. At least get some travel and college under your belt before settling down (kids take up almost ALL your time!).

Love can also come from other places, like friends. If you like kids, try babysitting or being a mentor to younger children. It can be fun AND let you know what's involved in caring for them.

What you're going through is VERY normal; you're figuring out who you are, and from the looks of it, you're already very smart, brave and a free-thinker! Have fun with life and get to know who you are. Remember...everything changes, so if you're frightened or depressed now, you could be very happy in a short time!

Good luck to you! I'm sure you'll evolve into a fascinating person who will attract many friends and really appreciate life!

P.S. Here are some sites to check out...hopefully you'll find some people to connect with, get more info or just find some answers.

Answer 9

alright.. as an ex 17 yr old smarty with strict parents.. all i can say is.. Typically normal.. just wait til you start to feel the thing you are studying is not for you.

IN short.. you're 17.. if you feel you want to succeed in life, then go ahead get an internship.. you can do it.. but if you'r ejust lookign for a normal job.. work at a mall... you'll be in touch with people your age (plus, you'll get to meet a lot of cute guys) you'll get a little break from that OH GREAT.. I HAVE TO BE A GENIOUS mode...

17.. and thinking you have to be find that special someone.. is too early.. Dont' rush into relationsihps.. that's a big no no.. date and find out which guy is good for you.. once you figure that out.. spend AT LEAST 5 years together.. i suggest you start worrying when you're 26 whether you have someone or not..

At 17, you should be worried about what college you'd like to go to.. then after that.. life gets so much easier.

Just take it at a step at a time.. AND HANG IN THERE GIRL!
you can do it!

Answer 10

would you believe you're normal? a lot of kids go through exactly that at your age. you're close to finishing high school, you're looking at really starting your life, and you're not sure what it is you want.
the first thing you've got to do is stop feeling guilty! everyone's different, there's no prescribed, sure-fire method of finding happiness. YOU are YOU... you're not your parents, you're not your friends, you're not the so-called 'normal' people you see around you. accept yourself for who you are, good and bad. once you stop trying to be the person you think you SHOULD be, you'll be free to be the person you want to be. there's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have a family. people will say 'oh, you're too smart to just be a mother'. what, they want stupid people raising the next generation?? being a mother IS important, it's the most important job on earth, and if it's what makes you happy, do it! it's YOUR life.
don't give up on love... I was 25 before I found someone to love, before that I wondered if it was even possible. don't give up on God, either. even if you don't really believe, enjoy the world aound you, and say 'thanks' to whoever might be listening. I'd recommend going to college if only because it gets you into a new environment where you can explore your options and learn about yourself.
lastly, remember that growing and becoming are a life-long process. don't feel upset or discouraged that you don't know right now who you are or what you want to do... we don't pick on a bud because it's not already a rose. give yourself time and space, and don't close doors just because you aren't finding what you want behind them right now. remember that you never know what's around the corner.
life is a WONDERFUL adventure, and you have permission to LIVE it.