When I was young I dated a boy for about 5 yrs, I got pregnant and he split. He wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. Then when I was 3 months pregnant I meant my ex husband. We fell in love, got married and he adopted my child. My childs biological father has turned out to be addicted to drugs and no good. But now as my son is older and starting to date, I worry because he goes to school with alot of his biological cousins and he dont know that his "dad" isn't his real father. My ex-husband is a great man and a wonderful father. Even though we divorced, he is still 100 % active in our sons life and never wants him to find out. But I feel like I am lying to my child and what if he starts dating someone who is actually related to him, or worse yet, what if one of them tell him the truth...What should I do? Help!
2007-02-09 05:15:35 · 15 answers · asked by Vicki B 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Well that is a tough thing, because I would have done the same thing. A child does not nessacarily need to know all the facts. Maybe when you think he is old enough then you can tell him. Just watch who he dates. If you can wait until he is an adult, that is probably best. I would just weigh the pros and cons. What could be the negative ramifications of not telling him, the negatives of telling him, the positives of both.
When you tell him, tell him that you did it because that was the best thing for him and that you wnated to give him the best possible life. You wanted him to grow up secure, and that is what he got. Explain to him that a real father is not always determined by biology, it is determined by actions and how they treat their children. And he has a father who loves him and treats him right. His father is his real father. The bio dad is just a sperm donor.
My sister had a similar situation. She had a two year old and a baby, when her first hubby (the sperm donor) gave up rights to the children. Her second husband adopted them and that is who they know as their father. The two year old had vauge memories of bio-dad and an uncle with the same name. He would over hear us talking about bio-dad and asked why his uncle treated his mommy like that. SO she told him, she did not tell her daughter until she was older. They are 14 and almost 17 now and have had no desire to find Bio-dad. I think they understand the situation.
2007-02-09 05:35:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Always the truth but sometimes with moderation. There are things that kids at different ages doesn't need to know every detail about. Kids can handle the truth no matter how uncomfortable we think it is as adults. They take in what they can understand and leave the rest for later. My kids wanted to believe in Santa and I let them. When they came to me and asked for the truth later on i told it to them. We as adults believe in what we want to believe so why shouldn't it be the same for kids?
2016-05-24 01:45:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should tell him the truth immediately. A person's parentage is a major factor in his life that he should know.
He may want to get to know his father, but that should be normal. You should explain the reason you made your choice and leave out any personal feeligns about the biological father. Telling him his biological father was addicted to drugs is being truthful and it may not be harmful to let him know. That way your son could be prepared for what he finds out if the biological father is still addicted to drugs.
Try to get info from the Dept of Human Services Adoption Dept about how to approach the subject.
2007-02-09 05:18:47 · answer #3 · answered by Laughing Libra 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Vicki, it hurts, but Honesty is the best. It may hurt at first, and for a bit after, But all shall be forgiven more so, if the Truth is fortold , instead of held back. Pain will be ever deeper and stronger , the longer the Truth is held back. Fear is death. Yet to have no fear , since the truth be told , then death doesn t happen, and life grows.
2007-02-09 05:36:43 · answer #4 · answered by Aaron M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should tell him now! Sooner or later his gonna end up finding out, and your gonna have the guilt when he starts having a grudge on you and your gonna feel devesteded when he throws it in your face that why didin't you tell him sooner...It's better to avoid all of this and tell him everything and i mean everything... My sister is 30 and she has 3 kids and each one is from a different father and non of the guys won't visit their kids, and she's single and working, That's hard... Atleast your son has a father that knows it's not his but still cares for him...
2007-02-09 05:32:52 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You know what, tell him the truth because I had a problem like that, my mom told me a couple different people were my father then when she finally told me the truth on who it was I didn't give a damn anymore about who it really was, just tell him the truth and explain the situation and how it happened and came to be, longer you wait the hard it might be to tell him.
2007-02-09 05:20:43 · answer #6 · answered by kaspa_da_ghost 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
My sister went through the same thing: look at it this way the deadbeat drug addict is just the boys father, your ex husband is the boys daddy, thats all he needs is a daddy.
2007-02-09 05:19:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Better the TRURTH come from you then someone else. And there is always the the dating issue. What if he starts seeing someone that he is related to. It's going to be hard on all of you.
2007-02-09 05:22:18 · answer #8 · answered by Monty L 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You should tell him the truth before it causes some problems. He will be angry if he dates someone related to him if he doesn't know. He will be angry if you hide this from him.
So sit him down, when things are quiet and calm,and let him know what happened.
2007-02-09 05:25:44 · answer #9 · answered by joulesofaffection 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't borrow trouble. If he asks, tell him the truth. Otherwise leave it alone and save both of you the heart ache!
2007-02-09 05:20:14 · answer #10 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋