Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Question

I am engaged to a guy who was previously married. My fiancé’s ex-wife has two kids along with the two kids they conceived together. They have been divorced going on five years. My fiancé has always done stuff for the kids including the two that are not his. His biological (2) kids live with us. Recently his ex-wife kicked her oldest child (15) out the house and my fiancé felt compelled to bring him to our home so he wouldn't be on the streets. It has now been a month and he is still living with us doing absolutely nothing. He is home schooled because he got kicked out of school for fighting so he's at our house all day with no supervision. I feel really uneasy about us having to be responsible for her child...I have expressed this to my fiancé and he agrees but he feels like he has no other choice since his mother will not take him back. I just feel like this is not our issue to deal with. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What could possibly be a solution to this problem?

Answer 1

Your fiance could go to court and get legal custody of the boy. That may make the boy feel more wanted. What happens to the boy if you too kick him out? What happens to your relationship with the fiance if you refuse to let the boy stay. Does the boy treat you with respect? Tons of unanswered questions here and not enough answers to offer meaningful advice.

Answer 2

I think you're right to feel the way you do. That child is not your responsibility or your fiancee's. If you talk to him and explain that you truly feel this way, then as a good man, he should understand and respect you and have the kid move out. If the ex-wife refuses, your fiancee should tell her that he will call the police to pick him up and he'll be placed in child services. Yes, this sounds mean, but you, as a couple, cannot solve the problems of the world and his ex-wife's inability to raise a child properly is not for you to take on.
If you don't want to rely on this alone, I would highly suggest calling into the Dr. Laura show. She has great and to-the-point relationship advice and is on the air every weekday between 3 and 5. If you can't find her show on your AM dial, try logging into WNPV 1440 on the internet and you can listen live from 3-5.

Answer 3

This is going to be the rest of your life, so if it's bothering you now it will only get ten times worse when you get married. It takes alot more than love for a marriage, and if the kids bother you then I would suggest calling it quits. It's not fair to the kids or the dad, he's trying to do the right thing. May not be his responsibility, but if he wants to be part of their life, I wouldn't come in between. Maybe some counseling and you all can still be together and find a way to work through. These children are just growing up and their needs are going to grow, so best to work it out now. Good luck.

Answer 4

No one can tell you that your feelings are wrong, they are Your feelings. Even though you two arent his bio. parents does that mean you dont have a heart. I know it may cause problems but if you saw a tiny baby by the street in a box alone, what would you do? All Im saying is this child needs someone, someone to love him and give him Guidence, obviously his mother isnt being woman enough. Try laying down some ground rules and do something out of your way nice for the child. Love is sometimes hard to give as love is sometime hard to receive. Give it a shot, what do you have to lose? Best of luck and tell the boy God loves him.

Answer 5

1 - No you are not wrong for feeling this way - your feelings are your feelings.
2 - Even is this 15 year old boy isn't your fiance's biological child, he has been treated as such, and your man is doing the right thing for continuing to treat the boy as his. Kudos to your fiance for being a man and not a jerk.
3 - Talk to your fiance about making it legal - become the boy's legal guardians - have the biological mom sign papers to that effect.
4 - Talk to your fiance about having the boy be responsible for various things - school work, regular chores, etc. However, that's only a viable option if you have the other two children do chores.
5 - If the boy is being home-schooled -- who is teaching him? Why is he home all day unsupervised?

Ultimately, this boy is regarded as your fiance's son. If you are to be a part of your fiance's life, then the children come with him - it's a package deal.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I can understand how you could feel this way. However; I think if you look at the bigger picture....your fiance' must be a good man. He wants to give this child a fighting chance at life. I think that it is noble of him to want to help this child. It doesn't matter whether he is a biological father or just a stepfather. That fact that he wants to give this kid some options is a wondeful thing. I realize that it can cause you stress, but if you look at the options this child has how can you deny him a chance at life. If you cannot deal with your future husbands selflessness then perhaps he is not the man for you.

Answer 7

I understand your uneasiness, but he is probably better off with you two. Give the kid a chance. Show him some love and understanding. He had one father, then your fiance and now no one because his mother kicked him out. I can understand why he behaves the way he does. But, not only do you need to show some compasion, you two are the acting parents now. You have to put your foot down, place rules and guidelines on him. Let him know that if he doesn't follow the rules, there will be consequences. He needs some sort of guidance to lean on. Now he doesn't seem to have any.

Answer 8

You have a valid issue, certainly after 30 days in this "keep him off the streets" status. Here's the deal:

1. It is NOT your issue to resolve. There are at least 2 other adults (excluding you and your fiance') who have the prime responsibility for the 15 year-old.
2. Your fiance' has relieved them of having to face the situation for 30 days. He is to be congratulated. However, he does not have legal authority for what happens to the boy.
3. There should be a divorce decree somewhere for the young man's natural parents. Your fiance' must tell his ex-wife that since the boy is not yet an adult for another 3 years, she and the boy's father need to work it out. If they do not, he will contact CPS and turn the boy over to them. Tough situation.

Answer 9

No, you shouldn't feel guilty. It is a big responsibility caring for a child that is troubled.

You and your husband need to establish some ground rules for him. Also, maybe get him into counseling. I think it is great that your husband is a father to the 15 year old, even though he is not the bio-father. Hopefully, with two people like you to care for him, he will turn his life around.

You and your husband should have discussed how long this was going to last before he let the 15 year old move in.

Good luck to you all.

Answer 10

It is perfectly feasable to feel the way you're feeling about your situation. I would also feel uneasy about having a "troubled teen" unsupervised in my house all day. I can also understand how your husband feels in regards to feeling like he needs to help his former step-son. Maybe your husband could try and contact the boys biological father and they could come up with a solution. Your husband sounds like a wonderfully caring man (maybe too much at this point) , and his ex wife is fed up with her son's bad behavior (not that it warrants throwing the kid out). There has to be more solutions out there along the lines of Child Services, I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.