Do you have a nice supportive husband, however u have to deal w/constant patronizing and him tellin u what 2Do

Question

and how do you deal with it? What if after all the yrs. it's started to really make u angry and hard to tolerate?
What if u've already communicated in many fashions that you wish NOT to be treated like a mere child? You know expressed this wish both assertively, aggressively, during an argument and/or just in a calm manner repetively? am i being oversensitive?I'm just wanting to build my self-confidence and personal development and this behavior seems to get in the way. wondering if somehow I can IGNORE it???
For ex. he'll say, "Honey make sure you wear your seat belt", "watch out for traffic", "is the car running alright?" "is there anything about the car your not telling me"? go get me this and that, I wait on him like a maid when he comes home from work, and even though I'd love to work FT, everytime I do, it seems like he's happy, but then again not happy because I can't be here at all times for him.IN public it's embarrassing and much more.it's ALL THE TIME

I just want to be treated like the woman I am so BADLY! But feel I am NOT heard!! I used to LOVE going on vacations w/him but now find myself aganizing over it becoz it is so embarrassing at the airport when he tells me what to do(don't see other men treating their women this way!!) and bossing me around during the trip as well.I cry inside becoz I want so badly to be treated as an equal.even tho his tone of voice is kind, it's PATRONZING as well!!Feel sorry for him, becoz apparently it's the only way he knows how to relate/communicate w/me. sorry for this long post here.just want things to improve

Answer 1

He sounds like he's got boundary issues. He's a nag and he's very intrusive.

Basically, he's gotten used to belittling and insulting you and you've let him get away with it.

You need to start standing up for yourself.

I'd suggest that, every time he patronizes you, get really angry at him. If it's in a public place MAKE A SCENE - get really loud with him and tell him to quit talking down to you.

Do the same thing at home, but only with slightly less fireworks.

And start nitpicking on every thing he does wrong.

Also, don't be so codependent - get that full time job you want, and don't always be around to wait on him like a maid. Get him used to doing his own laundry, cooking for himself, cleaning up his own mess.

And if he complains, blow up at him.

This will be HARD, since it sounds like you really love the guy, but, you will find that it will make you feel stronger.

Also, eventually, it will get through his thick skull that he's not your dad, he's your husband, and he needs to treat you like an equal and quit picking on you!

Answer 2

Wow! It sounds like on the one hand, he does really care. But on the other... it is simply driving you nuts. No, it is not right for someone to treat you like a child.
I have similar issues with my husband, but not to that extent.
And with the working thing, yes, my husband is also ambivalent about that. When I am working more hours, he is happy, he likes the extra income and the fact that I am "useful". However, he is also unhappy because I am not home when he is. we have children, so the reason we work different shifts is because of childcare. I tell him we just have to figure this thing out and find the right balance. If I'm always out working on weekends and nights, I could understand why he gets grouchy about it. But then I remind him that we both want the extra income, and that I am home when the kids need me. I have since changed my schedule to work during the week 2 days and get a relative to babysit and then work every other weekend.
My husband does have the tendency to treat me like a kid, but not to tell me to "get this, get that" so much, although he can start this if he's working on a project and he needs a tool in the garage or something. If I am busy with something else, I will get what he wants and then tell him i was in the middle of something else, and that he should get all his stuff together before he starts next time.
If he does not improve, make a tape secretly. Record for a time period and listen to how many "parental" remarks or questions he made and then let him listen and point it out to him. It might be an eye-opener for him. Chances are he does not realize how patronizing he sounds. If he hears for himself, he might decide to change.

Answer 3

Once you have fallen into a habit it is difficult to change. But you have to recognize that you have tolerated it for some years and YOU are the one changing, it's confusing for him for you to be angry about the status quo after many years. So don't expect him to be quick about it and keep your temper down, calmly explaining your point of view. Then do more assertive things that show you really don't need constant reminders (Learn about your car, take it for the oil changes). He got into this type marriage because it was what he wanted, hopefully your love for each other is great enough to accommodate change. As for public reminders, just behave like a confident woman (don't get angry)and he will be the one that looks silly, not you. If you want to preserve your marriage recognize that you are the one upsetting the applecart demanding change..be patient but persistent, get help if you need it. Best wishes.

Answer 4

He has taken an extreme "father figure" role in your marriage. Since this has been going on for years even over your verbal rebuttals on the matter, it may be time for a bit of marriage counseling. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you can't take his methodology any longer and you WILL be going to marriage counseling. If he won't go then go without him. It could only benefit you either way.

I had/have something vaguely similar with my husband but I'm not one to take it laying down (so to speak). When he says "get me this" I say, "What? Are your legs broken?" He will then at least realize he's overstepped and toss in a please at the very least or get it himself. I've handled conflict like this for several years and its been a slow hard fight, but I'm winning some autonomy.
I'm not saying this is something YOU should do, but it might be one avenue to explore if you don't care for the counseling option.

Good luck...you have my sympathies.

Answer 5

Seek counseling NOW.

He needs to be aware of how his attitude is effecting you and your marriage. You need to have ONE LAST discussion about this and make sure it involves seeing a counselor. If he refuses to go or thinks he can do it on his own, you tell him he has no other choice or the marriage will be in jeopardy or over. If you are not willing to take this drastic step, then do not complain about it since your only option is to take a stand or deal with it.

You can try to see counseling on your own to learn to deal with it but it will not stop him from his habit. He needs to make changes as well.