I know this is long, but I really need some good advice….
Foreword: I am a lesbian but I am married so that my 6 year old son can have a family. That is another monster all in itself…I really need some advice on my problem below. Thanks in advance and refrain from being hateful…I really don't need it right now.
My husband and I split up for a bit. Actually a long bit. From December of 2003 until about January of 2005. Then I lost my job and we lost the house and I moved in with a woman that I worked with. I lived with her *Mandy* for about 2 months. It was a wonderful 2 months. I fell completely in love with her. She was awesome. All she had to do was touch me and I melted. So many times I wish I would have stayed with her. I was happy. I mean I was really happy. She was a little more butch than I would have normally liked..or gone for...but, damn she was incredible. I don't think that I could ever put down into words what a good person she truly was. I miss her so much, and not a day go by when I don't think of her.
She won't talk to me now. I understand. I was seeing her before I actually moved in with her. I would say it was about 3 months before I moved in. My husband and I were separated at the time and when he moved back in I couldn't stop seeing her. I couldn't. I know that I should have...but...we talked all the time. I saw her everyday at work. The way she smelled, her mannerisms, her smile...everything about her made me feel so at ease. Like that is where I was supposed to be. I felt alive again...like I was in my secret world again. Except this time I wasn't a secret and I didn't care. I mean, it was obvious when we were together that we weren't "friends" if you know what I mean. I was and I still am completely in love with her.
But, it's pretty much gone to sh!t. We don't talk anymore and if you ask the two of us, you would get two different stories. This is my side,
When I moved in she knew that I wasn't working and she knew that I didn't have any source of income other than my unemployment. She told me not to worry about it, as long as I buy our (mine and my sons) own food and help with water and electric it was OK. So, I did just that. I saw the bills and we didn't cause much of an increase at all. We shared a bedroom, although most of the time Mandy and I shared her room. The only times I stayed in the room with my son was when he was scared or something of that nature.
Night after night I heard him cry that he missed his daddy. It was so hard to watch him cry like that. He had just gotten used to him being there again, and now...once again...he was gone. So, I talked to my husband and we decided to work things out to give our son a family again.
Mandy wan not very impressed with this at all and began being short with me the remaining time I was there. I understand. I probably would have been to. We were starting to get very close and then I drop this bombshell on her. To make matters worse, she was very hard to get to know...she had her guard up and finally let it down only to fu
I was friends with someone that was on her softball team and one night my husband, my son and I went up to her house. Once we got there she told us that she had a game that night. She tried to call the coach and tell her that she couldn't make it, but if she didn't show the team wasn't going to be able to play. I immediately went into overload as I couldn't wait to see Mandy, but at the same time didn't want her to see me with my husband. So, I told my friend that I couldn't go. We went back and forth for about 1/2 hour and she finally talked me into it. It was so good to see Mandy again, but I could tell she was pissed for me even going. I didn't want to, but we had just drove over an hour to get my friends and I wasn't about to just turn around and drive home. I wanted so bad to talk to her and let her know that my relationship with my husband wasn't all that it appeared. I still want to be friends; I still wanted to hang out with her.
Shortly after this incident I received a noticed to appear in small claims court. Yeah, after she saw me, she sued me for the money. The money that she agreed to wait on. The same money that she told me NOT to give her in the first place. WOW. That is all that I could say. Well that forced me into bankruptcy. I know it was only a total of $600 but that was on top of everything else I had piled up after being out of work for 4 months. My husband doesn't make crap, so his income really didn't do anything but keep us from being homeless. I don't blame her. I know she was just being vindictive. Hell, I know I hurt her and I might have done the same thing had I been in her shoes.
So now my bankruptcy has been accepted and I am finally paying everything off. I filed the Chapter 13 so I still pay everything back. I was going to file 7, but it's my debt, I incurred it and it's my responsibility to pay it back. It's not anyone's fault but my own that I was in the financial situation I was in. Finally my financial situation has gotten completely back on track.
She doesn't know it, but next month (I have to wait for next month due to some bills coming up…and I don't know about you…but $1000.00 is a lot of money to me) I am going to send her $1000.00. I just wish I could be there when she gets it. I know it doesn't make up for everything, but it's all I can do. Maybe this will help her realize that I really did/do care about her. I miss her so much. I don't have to give her anything...legally I mean. I claimed the $600 that I did owe her in the bankruptcy and she never filed a claim on it. So, really legally I don't owe her anything. My husband doesn't even know that I am sending it to her. And, honestly other than her...no one will know (except for you guys here).
I don't think that I am trying to buy her back or anything like that. I just want to set things right. I don't know what other way to do it. Maybe if I do this she will realize that I really honestly wasn't trying to fu
I feel like I am going crazy…any advice?
2007-02-09 02:46:12 · 10 answers · asked by Melanie 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
you need to get some help. you are extremely codependant. you need to start doing things for your self not every one else. the thing is your son might be upset what you do for awhile but if you are happy he will pick up on it and in turn be happy himself. as far as that mandy chick goes. she screwed you just to be vindictive. she sued you when she knew you were having financial troubles and made your troubles worse,, and you want that. you want someone who will seek revenge if things do not go her way. you should never talk to that immature butch again or even want to. help yourself you will never have a happy relationship as long as you are codependant.
2007-02-09 02:57:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I must say, you presented your situation quite well. Yes, I read the entire presentation. It is a crying shame, that you don't have the same attraction for your husband. With that being said, as I see it you cannot or will not let yourself accept the meaning of the word terminated. You are feeling the pain of loss and it is not fun. To make matters worse, since you and hubby reached an agreement to co-exist for the sake of a common thread, your child, that makes you feel subconsciously like you and your ex-friend could do the same. You can't make that work. You will be wasting money by trying to buy understanding and forgiveness if you overpay your debt. It will not be perceived as you may wish it to be.
My suggestion is to understand and accept what the meaning of "it is over" really means. Move on with your life and quit thinking about what you might have had. Concentrate on being a good mother to your child and wife to your husband. You made the choice to be both of these, so now step up to the plate and deliver. I would like to add that most of us have suffered these pains of loss when we lose our loved ones. You will get through it, trust me. Good luck
2007-02-09 03:40:47 · answer #2 · answered by J K M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW...
That was way long. But I read it, and I think I just surprised myself.
I think you should just sit down with her and talk things through. It sounds very elementry, but it works. Before that though, it might be good if you clear things up with your husband. 'Cause when it comes down to it, that's where all the problems started.
You shouldn't marry your husband just for your son. He'll learn to understand. And trust me, it won't do him any psychological damage. He might have it rough at school, etc. But you can be there for him. Finding a husband to be his daddy wasn't exactly an option.
My family is very complicated and although I hated it at first, I grew to an understanding. And now, I'm glad that they were at least honest with me. I'll just share with you really quickly. My parents don't love each other. They're together because they figured its convenient (and they weren't given much of a choice). But they all these times, they've made it pretty clear to me that they aren't together because they love each other. And although it confused me to no end when I was young, I understand now and it has made me become an open-minded person.
I think I turned out pretty well. I'm doing decently and I don't have any psychological problems. So if it comforts you, even if you explain to your son your real feelings, it won't damage him. It'll mess him up for a while but after that he'll be fine.
So, I think you should iron it out with your family before you talk things over with Mandy. Good luck.
2007-02-09 03:01:12 · answer #3 · answered by Diamond 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but I have been on Mandy's end. Pretty much the exact story. You fu*ked up twice. Tore you Husbands heart out then Mandy's. Every time you try to talk to or contact Mandy you rip her heart out again. You think she should just get over it? You are the moran. She supported you and your son while your husband was off doing what? and she was suppose to be okay with that? Leave Mandy the hell alone, get on with your pathetic life and continue to lie to yourself, your child and your husband
2007-02-09 08:04:27 · answer #4 · answered by Judy B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, and I don't mean this in a bad way. Get on with your life with your son. It's apparent that you are putting to much time and effort into what you will never have again, and you son is paying the price. Children are precious and the one you have needs you not your problems. He has been through enough. Again please don't feel as if I am slamming you because I am not. Look into you child's eyes and you will find all of the love you need to move on. Good luck
2007-02-09 03:00:28 · answer #5 · answered by MomToDavid 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
honestly i know u love your husband cuz he is your sons father but that is never a good reason to stay together if i were u i would take your son and leave once u move out write her a letter tell her how u really feel and see what comes of it if works great if not least u'll be able to be the real to yourself and who knows maybe u'll meet someone who u can love either more than her or in a different better sort of way
2007-02-09 03:37:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok, you said you had a husband so you could have a family for your son. do you honestly think leaving your husband to go live with a woman and have a relationship with her and then go back to your husband is healthy for your child? it would be better for everyone if you are honest with yourself, your husband and your child and get a divorce. it will not be better in the end for you to be miserable and with a person that you are not in love with. it is not fair to anyone the situation you have created. you hurt another woman, are in a fake relationship and basically lieing to your son. you need to come clean with everyone. you will be much happier. it is very common now to have two moms, parents to be divorced. it actually seems more common than having married parents. i am sure it will be a much better living enviornment for you and your child if you are in a healthy happy relationship. i hope everything works out for you and you can be with the woman you love.....instead of doing what is expected of you.
2007-02-09 02:58:47 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have to decide once and for all where you stand. You are never going to be able to play it both ways. I would assume thqt even if you are not married, your son can still have visitation with his dad. If you do stay split up or get divorced, maybe that is the time to contact her and see if there is any chance of getting back together. If she says no, you will have to get on with your life and consider it a lesson learned, however sad it may be.
2007-02-09 02:59:30 · answer #8 · answered by Brent W 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honey check your mail!
2007-02-09 03:16:05 · answer #9 · answered by hersbandandwife 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is too long to read or answer... so yes you should.hope this helps
2007-02-09 02:48:57 · answer #10 · answered by infernalaffairstrilogy 2 · 1⤊ 4⤋