My daughter is 13 and she bonds better friendships with boys than with girls. I have no problem with that. She is especialy close to one boy who is 11 (yes, she's getting teased at school about that and doesn't care). Now she wants us to approve her having him as a boyfriend. We have a 'no boyfriend' rule so I asked her for their definition of a boyfriend. She said that they would just hang out together and talk. So I'm okay with that and set some boundaries - no physical contact beyond the normal with any of her friends, grades cannot got any lower (already struggling), she is not to ignore her other friends, no boys in the house (they can hang out in the yard). I accepted her definition and she agreed to the boundaries and I told her that this really means that they are friends - no more and no less. The boy totally accepts this however, my daughter is still acting all depressed about it. Furthermore, she didn't want me to tell my husband about it and the boy said that he couldn't...
2007-02-09 02:27:58 · 13 answers · asked by AlongthePemi 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
even be friends with her if she won't be honest with her parents (I really like this kid!). Anyway, we talked and I brought it up to my husband at dinner with our daughter right there and he wasn't too happy about it either. I mean, we can trust her not to go too far, that isn't too much of an issue right now. What I can't trust is the distraction and the fact that she will alienate all her other friends.
Okay, that's it - Sorry, I warned you that it was long. I got this off my chest and I am looking for opinions - Tell me if you think I'm right or wrong without getting nasty or too judgemental about my parenting skills. I'll accept opinions from teens too but I'm really looking to hear from parents.
2007-02-09 02:33:39 · update #1
She already knows about sex and we have discussed bc (it has also been discussed in school). She's a funny kid. Yes, she's quite sneaky but what she will do when it comes to these big issues is ask and test our reaction and then do what she wants anyway. So when it is time for her to decide to have sex I'll get a head-up this way.
2007-02-09 02:40:46 · update #2
She's in 7th grade (held back in K) and immature for her age. He's in 6th (will be 12 in June).
2007-02-09 03:25:45 · update #3
There is a lot of peer pressure in her middle school to pair up with the opposite sex and I know that she is desperate to fit in. There are other factors in her life that contribute - she has ADHD and girls with ADHD will tend to bond better with boys than girls. She was also abandoned by her birth father and is having trouble bonding with her adoptive father (my husband). This is the factor which causes concern.
All your answers have helped and made me think more for the next time around. Oh yeah, new development - he told her that he cannot be her girlfriend because he will be moving out of town in March. I don't know how long she knew this before she told me but that may have been the factor for the depression.
Thank you all - you made me think but it is hard to choose who helped more. I will send this to vote.
2007-02-15 03:20:50 · update #4
WELL I MY OPINION I THINK THAT IT IS KINDA WEIRD....... THE BOY IS ONLY 11 AND SHE IS A TEENAGER.... I THINK THAT IS WEIRD.. THATS LIKE AN 8TH GRADER HAVING A BF IN THE 5TH GRADE... BUT YOU ARE THE PARENT AND ITS YOUR DECISION.....
2007-02-09 03:15:44 · answer #1 · answered by MADNESS!!!! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, firstly: HE (the 11-year-old) is too young for a girlfriend. Period.
Whether or not you've set boundaries, whether or not your daughter agrees to them, things DO happen. I'm 14 and I managed to keep a 10-month-long relationship a secret from my mother (I didn't live with my father then as my parents are divorced; I now live with my mother). Anyway, the boy I dated was 15, and while we didn't go all the way (thank god) we went way too far, and that is something I wish I could take back.
I'm not insinuating this will happen to your daughter, but I just want you to know that if we want a relationship to work, no matter what our parents say we will make things happen. I put a lot of thought into making the relationship work with my then-boyfriend, and I managed to keep it entirely a secret (I had a no-boyfriend rule then too).... Two years later I have regrets about what I did, and I don't want that for your daughter.
I really think you should help get your daughter's grades back on track (this is not criticism, by the way)... school before boys, always, serious or not. That's how it is for me these days anyway.... I've always got good grades but since June I've been relationship free and without the hassles of high school relationships my grades have never been better. My lowest grade last year was an A- and I'm in advanced maths this year (I'm Australian so the school year began a couple of weeks ago for me).
I just think at our age, school is the main priority. I have plently of friends, and a couple of guys I'm interested in, but my highest concern right now is getting good grades and staying on top of an steadily increasing workload. Your daughter will probably disagree - I haven't always had a conscientious attitude to school myself - I failed Grade 8 maths and religion. But please try and get her to focus her attention on school and homework. She'll feel like it sucks initally, but trust me, she'll thank you!
Keep encouraging her to have guys as friends though, and then everyone will be happy. Wait until she's more emotionally mature and can then handle a "proper", or real, relationship.
2007-02-09 17:51:41 · answer #2 · answered by Astrid 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm pretty confused. Maybe you and your daughter are, too.
You've got a "no boyfriend" rule. But you've sort of agreed that she and this boy can be boyfriend and girlfriend because her definition of boyfriend sounds more like friend-friend to you. Yet you've admonished her about no physical touching other than what she'd do with any of her other friend-friends.
Your daughter has agreed to the boundaries, but on the other hand, you state she is "sneaky" and she'll pretty much do what she wants to do.
She can keep the boy as a friend (boyfriend?), but only if her grades don't get any lower, but it doesn't seem this same restriction applies to her hanging out with her other friends, so is this kid a boyfriend or not?
As I said, I'm confused. And that may be at the root of your quandary. Perhaps you need to be clear in your own mind what your goals are for your daughter, stick to your rules, and give her very clear messages.
2007-02-13 21:53:57 · answer #3 · answered by Rienzi H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although you and your husband are uncomfortable with the situation, you have to acknowledge how she feels. Ignoring it or demanding things like not seeing the boy will only backfire and she will just be more secretive and you'll lose the battle in the end. She's at a young age and just starting puberty , her hormones are all over the place, she's just confused. If you don't handle it correctly, it will be worse later on and she will never tell you anything else for fear of you going overboard and not understanding her or acknowledging her feelings.
Perhaps you should talk to her about what would happen if she decides to date this boy and it doesn't work out. Is she ready to give him up as a friend. It may not seem possible now but when they do break it off, there will be hurt feeling ( regardless of how it ends) and the friendship will never be the same. Is she comfortable with this fact and if she alienates her friends now she may be left alone to deal with it on her own. Is she willing to live with this possibility or just continue being friends for now and enjoy the friendship.
If she continues on with it, make sure the rules are being followed and support it, somewhat. Unfortunately she has to learn on her own, only then will she realize that perhaps her parents aren't as dumb as they seem. Good luck
2007-02-09 11:48:35 · answer #4 · answered by trojan 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are on the right page and I agree with you that its ok to have boys that are friends and not a boyfriend at that age. Really, what business do kids have dating at such an early age. Now a days people see dating as something to do in your spare time, like a hobby or something to entertain you and keep you busy. people forget that the reason for dating is to find the one you are going to marry. So you should not start dating unless you are ready to get married...and what business does a 13 and 11 yr old have getting married?? NONE. You have to put your foot down on this one. You will save her a lot of heartache and possible problems. Being the teenager that she is you will probably bumb heads quite a bit and she may even come to "hate" you but in the longrun this is the best and she will thank you for it way down the line, just remember its not going to be easy so stay firm. Good luck.
2007-02-09 10:38:46 · answer #5 · answered by dreamer 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is no need to keep any secrets otherwise, is there something to hide?
They are already friends, already interacting so just give them a safe and carefully monitored environment in which to learn how to interact with each other.
Never compromise her grades or her other friends. The longer you wait, the worse it gets.
I'm not a parent, only a used to be teenager on whom "strict boundaries" totally worked. I have a feeling that your girl is too exposed to have this work on her, though...so just do the best you can with monitoring her and keeping the necessary interferences healthy. It's all part of the growing process!
2007-02-09 15:23:32 · answer #6 · answered by mickeymouse 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be careful! Sounds like they may be closer already. I don't know your daughter but I know about 13 year old girls when they are interested in boys..they can be very sneaky. Make sure she's not pulling the wool over your eyes. Never allow him in her bedroom. girls are sooooo sneaky during these teen years, and by the sound of it she really likes this guy.
Maybe you should talk to her about sex and birth control and the risks of being sexually active at such a young age. Knowledge is power!
Even if she's not heading in that direction, at least she'll know the facts from her mother, not from a bunch of other 13 year olds.
2007-02-09 10:34:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Actually, I think what you need to know is what other friends she has. I think it's important for a kid to feel close to someone - if it's a boy, that shouldn't be a hindrance - and if she says they will just hang out together and talk, then you have to decide: is hanging out together with a boy an invitation to sex or is it an invitation to friendship? You need to ask your daughter why she is asking all depressed about it? Is having a boyfriend a kind of 'trophy' in her crowd? If so, then maybe she wants to play it up to her friends to try to impress them. But that's an invitation to act on some of their assumptions. Talk to her and try to find out if she's trying to prove something.
2007-02-14 20:01:57 · answer #8 · answered by kathyw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's too young to have a boyfriend but this kid sounds like a keeper, so just keep the rules in tact and they will just be friends. Let her pout, she'll get over it. Does this 11 year olds parents know he think he has a girlfriend? I can't imagine they'll be thrilled with the notion.
2007-02-09 15:01:20 · answer #9 · answered by Goose&Tonic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Part of growing up is learning to deal with the opposit sex. You are also at a point where if you make it too hard for your daughter to talk to you about boys... then she will stop.
At 13 she probably doesn't think about sex... and doesn't want to make out... and do any kind of heavy petting type stuff... let alone talk to her mom about it if she did...
She recognizes she feels close with this boy and to her she wants to lable it as more than friends... there is nothing wrong with it...
Also is there really anything wrong with her cuddling or holding hands with this boy say on the couch in plain view (no blanket) with you or your husband their...
She has to learn the proper way to interact with the other sex... your job as a parent is to help her and teach her to behaive in a way the is appropriate... and not destructive...
What you are doing is trying to protect her and prevent her from making mistakes... you are shielding her from the learning she needs to do...
Think of it this way... if you protected her from falling when she was a toddler by not letting her learn to walk because she would fall over countless times and might hurt herself... then what would happen when she turned 6 and you said.. .Ok now run your have to catch the buss...
Let her learn to set her personal boundries... learn to respect herself now... when the decision is weather or not to let some boy suck on her neck and give her a hicky... or if it is ok for him to put his hand on her thigh that way... make it safe for her to talk to you about those things... Don't shield her from it then one day through her in the real world at 18 when her first interactions with boys will be about a whole lot more than a hicky... or worse... she hides what she is doing with boys from you totally and you have no clue who she is hanging out with...
Remember a parent is a teacher... not a cop... to nurture them means to let them grow... yes you should protect them... but remember your goal is for them to learn to make the right decisions...
You should only protect them or shield them from decision that are inappropriate for their age... and with that I'll leave it up to you as MOM to decide if your 13 year old daughter is ready to make the decisions about boys that a 13 year old would be presented with...
2007-02-09 10:47:22 · answer #10 · answered by AvidBeerDrinker 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The more you disobey something the more appealing it becomes. I would allow it. 13 yr old relationships dont really last long anyway. Set some guidelines like going out in groups or when they want to hang out alone you have to be home or his parents.
2007-02-09 12:46:16 · answer #11 · answered by peach 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋