How do I deal with my friend now that I found out I had a miscarrage?

Question

I have a friend that found out she is prego and I found out last night I am having a miscarrage after trying for years... this is her 2nd baby and I'm happy for her but I can not help but be jelous and upset. I am really close with this friend she is like a sister to me but it is really starting to be hard to be around her. Watching her baby grow inside of her and wondering what that feels like... She is the kind of person that does not talk about that kind of stuff even if I ask her how she is doing or what is going on, she just says "OK" and leaves it at that ... Then when big things happen like she had an ultra sound and did not even tell me she was having it... I found out by seeing a photo she had on her frig... when I asked if it was from her first or the new she said... oh that is the new on we had it taken about a week ago and dropped it... how do I deal with this?

I have talked to her about this even before she found out she was having another baby... We had a long talk when she told me that she was thinking of trying again and I told her I want to know EVERYTHING... if I can't feel it myself I want to know what she is feeling... she said fine and she I will tell you it all... it hurts more when she does not tell me things then if she tells me about it. and the ultra sound that she had that she did not tell me about was done BEFORE I found out I was having the miscarriage...

Answer 1

I've been there. Your friend is obviously trying to protect your feelings.I had a pregnant "friend" say to me once after a miscarage,"Boy you didn't stay pregnant long !" If you love her and her baby don't cheat yourself out of sharing in this miracle. Sit down with her and explore how you both feel and save your frienship ! She needs you and you will probably get some valuable experience with sharing her pregnancy. It's normal to be jealous ! Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. Then when you achieve pregnancy she will be there to share it with you and won't avoid you because of her resentment at your avoidance. The real key is to be brutally honest and TALK about your feelings ! So often we keep silent and let our lives fall apart when all we have to do is be open and honest. Good Luck ! It took awhile but my baby girl is a healthy 18 year old now !

Answer 2

Hi

I know how you feel. i just had a miscarriage last Tuesday and I have 3 pregnant friends, one og their sisters has just given birth and my boyfriends sister is also pregnant. I don't seem to feel too bad about those sorts of things though. I mean, I am really upset that I lost my baby, but I stress more by thinking I want my baby back and stuff like that. And then when I think about trying again I think but I want that baby back, that was my baby! Yes, I can have more children, but I will never be able to replace my first!

When it comes to pg friends though I seem to be coping ok. Its more strangers that I get stressed about. I know its not their fault but if a see a pg woman I start thinking why has she got a baby and i've lost mine.

Would you like her to talk about it with you? Maybe its making you feel worse because now it feels like a close mate is closing you out a bit, even though I think she is doing it so as not to hurt you. i think you should maybe talk to her about how you feel about the miscarriage so she knows how you are doing and let her know that its ok for her to say things to you about her pregnancy.

I'm not quite sure if that actually helps at all, sorry. I hope all goes well for you in the future x

Answer 3

I've been you. First of all, it doesn't seem your friend is doing this because of you. It just seems that she is very blah abut it all. Let her know it's OK to be excited around you, maybe she really doesn't want to hurt your feelings and maybe she thinks the same thing could happen to her. I was pregnant at the same time my best friend was. Our babies would've been 2 mos apart. I lost mine at 4 1/2 mos. It was very hard for me to watch her grow and change, but as time went on I healed and it was OK. Another time I was pregnant wit the same due date as my cousin. It was difficult attending her shower, but our family is very supportive and I felt good being there for her. Time will pass and things will work out. I wish you nothing but the best. If your friend isn't one to talk about this send her a little card saying you are sad about your lose but so happy for her and that you want to be a part of her experiences. Maybe that will help.

Answer 4

I agree that she is trying to be nice. Would you really want her to say, "Hey, being pregnant is great! The baby just kicked! If you could only feel this yourself!" ???

I think she is trying real hard to be compassionate. If you really want to be involved, sit down with her and tell her not to be afraid to tell you details of her pregnancy. However, if it really is hard to be around her, then just keep things the way they are.
Sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage too, but I got pregnant a year later and now have a beautiful little girl. Don't give up. Don't lose hope.

Answer 5

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just found out 2 day ago i was miscarrying and my friend found out she was prego. All I can say is it is going to take time. You are happy for her but at the same time its hard trying to get over your loss. And it sounds like she is trying to be sympathetic about it so I would just continue to love her and be there for her but at the same time let her know how hard it is for you.

Answer 6

This is terrible for both of you, i know from experience, my sis was preggers 3 years ago with her first, i already had 2 children and found out i was having my third a few months into her pregnancy, She went for her ultrasound to find out her little boy she was carrying had cysts in his chest, little could be done, if he went to full term he would have to be operated on immediatly, she had loads of test etc, i remember with his condition it made my sis swell up real bad, nose bleeds the lot, she clung in there giving him the best chance available, she was always concerned about my pregnancy and i felt guilty for having 2 children and an apparently easy pregnancy with my 3rd, Her baby was born still born when she was 8 months pregnant, i was due in another 3 months, we had the funeral, i tried to stay away from her as i didnt want to rub her nose in it, she stayed away from me, prob through jealousy, it was an awful time, the day i came home after delivery, she couldnt look at my daughter, i cried pretty much every day through that pregnancy, im sure she did too, she never went on to have any more instead throwing herself into work, who knows if she will have any more? your friend is probably "short" with you coz she dont want to upset you, its a hard time for both of you, i feel for you both, try to talk to her, tell her your fears, if not write a letter to her, just dont let this break up your freindship, God only takes our babies cos they are too good for this world, good luck for the future, you time will come, im sure, im sorry for your loss, x

Answer 7

To save your friendship - TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL! If you WANT to hear more details - tell her that you are okay with it and WANT to know. You may have hard times dealing with her being PG, but at least she will understand and be able to help you help your relationship. Being honest is best for all. Keep trying for that baby, honey. It will happen for you! Good luck!

Answer 8

Sounds like she is trying to respect your loss, and not make a big deal out of the fact that she is pregnant and you lost yours. Sit her down and tell her that it won't bother you to hear what is going on...you are ok...while you are sad...you don't want to rain on her happiness. To let you know what is going on...and that you are going to try again.

Answer 9

I think that she is trying not to draw too much attention to her pregnancy because she knows how hard you are trying to become pregnant- she probably doesn't realise how upsetting it is for you to have her not talk about it...she may want to talk about every moment of her special time with you but not want to 'rub it in your face' that she is doing what you are finding difficult.

I think you need to talk with your friend honestly about how you are feeling- does she even know that you have all this resentment bottled up? Chances are, she doesn't.

Answer 10

Sounds like she's trying to give you space to mourn your miscarriage. I think you should be open with her. Tell her how you're feeling, and what you would like her reaction to be.

For those of us who have been on her end of things, it's hard to know what to say. Sometimes it's easier to back away. She'll understand that your loss makes it hard for you, but I'm guessing that you don't want to lose her friendship either. Just be honest about it. It sounds to me like she's already trying to be sensitive to your feelings, so you should be okay to be honest with her.

I'm sorry for your loss.