marriage and betraying husbands?

Question

After almost 7 years of marriage I think mine is over. My husband is looking at porn. The last time I found it on our computer almost 2 years ago. I told him I was finished. Well he did his sweet talking and told me it would never happen again. So I forgave him. Then last night I found it on my computer again. He's an over the road truck driver, but came home mid-week "to spend time with us". So that's what he said. I work out side the house and my son had school yesterday. So he was home alone. I know he isn't having sex with them women, but it's all the same to me. We have a 6 year old son and a business together. Along with all the debt. What should I do, leave him or stay and wait for it to happen again.

Answer 1

Your marriage doesn't have to be over. Matthew 5:28 says "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." You're right - porn IS adultery. A man is getting sexual gratification from someone other than his wife - it doesn't MATTER if she's real or on paper or video.

Porn is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol, and must be dealt with as such. A man cannot stop looking at it without getting help to see it for what it really is (adultery and degrading / disrespectful to women), because today's society encourages that sort of thing and considers it as "normal behavior." They think it's ok, just because God created Adam & Eve naked; but they choose to forget the part where HE COVERED THEM UP once sin entered the picture! There's nothing wrong with sex - God created it, and it is the most beautiful, intimate bond a husband & wife can share; but Satan has perverted it.

Talk to your husband about the way you feel, and see if he will go to counseling with you.

Answer 2

The responses about us men being visual creatures is correct. It's a base instinct fueled by testosterone. It has to do with simple procreation, if you women didn't visually stimulate us, there wouldn't be any attraction. Some men, me included, see porn as something amazingly cool and erotic. We can dismiss all the negative aspects of it (which may be totally wrong) but we do. You, obviously, are disgusted and offended by it, like many women are. This is where the "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing comes in.
I would suggest stepping back for a moment and look at this from a purely objective, factual point of view. Have you been "betrayed" or physically cheated on? No. The images aren't reality, they're based on his perception, his fantasy if you will. As a neglected husband myself, I can tell you if his eyes are wandering, something's lacking at home. My happily married buddies don't want or need any such distractions.
Secondly, think about where his time, money and attention (most of it anyway) goes. To you, your family and home. This is the reality. Dear Abby put it best when she said, "Ask yourself, would you be better off with him or without him?" Are you certain you want to end your life as you now know it over some cheesy porn, or take another course of action? If you look at this clinically, objectively, you will have to admit that looking at porn is in no way the same as physically having sex with another woman. I would sit down with him and have a serious, no holds barred heart to heart with him and ask him why. What is he lacking? What des he want or need? He should answer the same questions for you. Then you can come to a rational, thought out decision, not an emotional one .

Answer 3

Surely you understand, that we humans, whether child or grown, lie. In everyday life, white lies are told and now and again? A "black" lie...Your husband "fell from grace" - even you a acknowledge it was a "mistake" - he does as well. Is he really that terrible in all respects, that he is not worth forgiving OR giving a second chance? I guess the two issues I'm not "hearing" in your message, is: a) Did he apologize? Ask for your forgiveness? and b) Did he tell you he loved you as well and promise better behavior? You really don't say and I can't second guess you, but you are clearly, STILL very troubled and it's harming you, him, your daughter and life in general. You need a little counseling to "let go" of your obvious suppressed anger, wouldn't you say? I have to wonder as well...Do you feel he will do this again down the road of life and THAT'S why you can't get past this? It does matter...as whether he loves you - MATTERS. As whether YOU LOVE HIM. Life isn't perfect. People aren't perfect. -But consider him as a man overall...Is he loving, caring, has he been a good husband AND father? Can he hold his liquor does he refrain from gambling and drugs. Consider all that could be a detriment and look him as a WHOLE person - Then think about life with him or life without him...Are you a self-sustaining woman with an education or training to go out in the world and earn your keep and support your daughter? Is that the drastic step you are able to take IF it were to happen again? A lot of questions remain unanswered...When you have the answers, you will know what you have to do to survive and move forward and on with life. Grace

Answer 4

Well he is an "over the road" truck driver, so would you rather he look at porn or cheat? My husband looks at porn and i dont feel offended by this, some women do and some dont. I have a friend that goes into a fit of rage if her boyfriend even looks at a half-naked women. If it really bothers you so much just tell your husband if he is going to look at porn do it descreatly and tell him to make sure you dont find any evidence of it and forget all about it. But I wouldnt leave him over this.

Answer 5

as you said, you don't think he is cheating on you.
after several years of marriage and esp with children, sometimes the excitement of early romance is gone. but that doesn't mean the marriage is over. if you are getting along well in other ways, then perhaps he looks at porn for titillation only.

try to make some "us-time" together to remind each other of the early days when you could just focus on each other rather than the mortgage or the kids or the hundred and one daily problems we all have.

one thing you do need to know though: a lot of men like looking at porn. it doesn't mean they don't like their wives any more.

Answer 6

If you think you should end your marriage because your husband was looking at something you don't like (porn) what can I say.
A lot of women look at that as betrayal. Most men don't. Its what men like naked girls, fast cars, guns etc. etc. A little different than what most women like.
What if men started feeling betrayed by the time women spend with their friends or talking on the phone? We could call it a betrayal because its an emotional investment in someone outside the marriage. What about all the magazines? Cosmo is not far from pornography but you never hear of men ditching their wives for cosmo.
It seems to me you're looking for an excuse to leave your husband. If that is the case just be honest with yourself and with him.
Don't blame it on him for looking at porn. His occasional glance (every two years?!) at porn couldn't possibly hurt you.

Answer 7

I think you need to realize that men just love porn. Almost EVERY man is looking at porn. Some of them are better at hiding it from their wives than others.

I promise you - if you divorce him, your next husband will also be looking at porn.

It does not mean anything bad about your marriage. I swear. I know this is hard for you to believe, but men are visual creatures and the women he sees in the porn are purely visual objects. This is no indication whatsoever that he doesn't love you or find you attractive, or that he has any interest in cheating on you.

Please believe me. Don't throw away your marriage over this. You'd be better off trying to get into it with him.

Answer 8

Hi hun! I understand your upset, with every right! However, men ARE visual and can't help themselves. I think the fact that he's looking at porn isn't a terrible thing, he's not out cheating on you. I have been there myself, I hated that he looked at porn, felt that I wasn't enough for him, but then I thought about it and decided its not against me, men just look (not all of them). So, maybe talk to him (again) about it, maybe even watch it with him - if you can, and try to be more understanding about it. If it bothers you too much to try that, then tell him what you've found and that you won't put up with it. I just hate to see you get a divorce over this if things can be worked out. Anyway, I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you. God bless hun!

Answer 9

Well why can't you join him. You may find that you like it and before you know it your whole marriage will benefit by this mutually satisfying erotic stimulation.
Too many married women forget how to be sexxy when they are married for a while. Nothing works for long without working at it and trying new things. It requires maintenance and taking chances and thinking outside the box.

What do you have to lose?

Answer 10

Porn is addictive and seriously some women don't have a problem with their men looking at it but most do. Porn detracts from the couple"s intimacy, if he is wasting his energy on porn and not useing it towards you then it hurts. He will probably never stop unless you give him limited access to the PC like a child but that isn't really your place to do, I personally would seek counceling before leaving him, but if you can't live with this behavior then leaving makes sense.