I am so unhappy in my relationship with my partner and have said i want him to leave. We have been together for 17 years so this isnt gonna be easy for any of us but im really worried about how the kids will take it and how it will affect them. I love them with all my heart but im worried this will destroy them. They are 9 and 5. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.
2007-02-08 22:33:32 · 10 answers · asked by julie n 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
9 and 5 is very young to be unhappy and confused.
So, your choices are for you to be unhappy or your kids to be "destroyed"?
How do you define unhappy? Unfulfilled? Not in passionate love? Victim of physical abuse? Victim of infidelity?
If there is a way to salvage your marriage (if you are married), you would be setting a good example for your children.
Giving up when something is hard is seldom the right choice. Impossible, maybe? Hard, no.
2007-02-08 22:53:04 · answer #1 · answered by Carl 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I know lots of single moms who are great people. Its a ton of work and I respect them for enduring the heart ache of imperfect custody arrangements.....but the love you have for your kids will be the one constant that will get you all through. It would be nice if we could cushion our kids from the harsh realities of life.....but we wouldn't be doing them any favors...life is full of suffering, disappointments and difficult situations (even without divorce). so the best we can do is to show them how to get through. In my house that means lots of honest talking and prayer (not always in that order lol) and I try to honor my kids by being honest about how I am feeling without putting my feelings ON THEM. I think of it as a hierachy....there are certain issues and feelings that I need to work out with other adults or even my parents.... but I also let them know, I am having a bad day and that so and so is helping me....that its not their fault and that I know we will get through..... when I have no idea how a new plan will work....we brainstorm together. You will be going through a lot of transition...kids are more resilient than we are.... and probably more realistic too (lol). There are opportunities for your kids too (banana splits is an organization in schools) and they will have lots of friends who are from divorced families so they wont be alone. I was involved with a large research study of family environment and stress...and the NUMBER ONE factor in determining the anxiety level and normal adjustment of the kids (developmental) was the mom's attitude. Mom's who were able to hold it together and keep working on one day at a time, without guilt did fantastic (and these ladies were facing multiple stresses). Across the board it seemed that moms who took the attitude this is how we live, today, and we can be happy in it---just seemed to do much better and give their kids a sense of security. At the five year followup mark....all of those women had improved their socio-economic status and all their kids were doing well in school socially and academically.... Say a prayer, take a deep breath and trust yourself....you are the only mom they have and you really do know whats best for them.... God gave them to you.
2007-02-09 08:19:08 · answer #2 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will probably look like the bad person in their eyes because you are splitting up what to them is a happy home. But, children do not understand what adults go through and all the effects that each decision and situation has.
I would say if you really feel that the relationship is un-repairable then you will have to do what you have to do. And try to tell them in the best way that you can. You cannot stay in a relationship if it is bad and you are unhappy. Just do everything that you possibly can before breaking it all up!!
They will be mad, but eventually and over time and prayer. They'll understand as they get older.
2007-02-09 07:16:32 · answer #3 · answered by sweetybaby 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you are going thru mine are 9 & 6 and it is a hard decision. They kids will definately have a hard time but if the 2 of you can work together to make it an easy transition things will be ok. In the long run they will be happier better adjusted kids if their parents are happy.Together or apart as long as they don't have to live with the tension.
2007-02-09 07:58:19 · answer #4 · answered by CindyLou 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
together for 17 yrs? what happened there? i can't say that i'm in a totally happy relationship now but as a mom like you, i think of my kids first. as long as my kids are happy, i'm happy. i know how you feel. my hubby and i are married for 19 yrs and somehow along the way, one made a big mistake and took the trust and love and was replaced by pain and heartaches. we talked about divorce three, four times but ended up crying together. we question ourselves, is it worth it leaving each other and cause our kids pain? i can't let my kids go through life with a broken family, the psychological effect on them. we as parents are responsible for them. take care and praying you will find the solution. God bless.
2007-02-09 14:40:32 · answer #5 · answered by Lola 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Julie, dont quit. Separation has such terrible effects on children. It exposes them to insecurity, feelings of rejection, anger at both parents and many other things. Try to rather resolve the issues that are unfair and hurtful between you. I know how you feel I have been there and its terrible. I dont however know your circumstances but know this there are ways to change the crazy cycle you are both in. THere is a scripture in the bible in Ephesians 5:33 that says: Men are commanded to love their wives (and that means unconditionally) (and that is also because wives need to feel loved and men dont tell them) and wives are commanded to respect their husbands (also unconditionally) . The reasons wives are told to respect their husbands is because wives automatically love but often loose respect. Respect cant be earned if its meant to be unconditional, so to be obedient to God we just have to. So for example say he tells you you can only spend 2 hours together at your mothers house and you want to spend 4, if you say:" Thats okay. Thank you that we are going and I respect your decision." He will think Wow she actually respects me. He will probably let u stay 4 hours anyway! LOL.
When men feel that respect they soften towards their wives and the crazy cycle slows down and eventually things go the way God meant for it to be. It might not happen immediately but time is a great healer. RIght now you are angry, critical in thought, frustrated, unforgiving, jealous,depressed, lonely, things feel hopeless, you feel despair and anxiety and rejected. Feelings and emotions are crippling and this is exactly where the devil comes to rob us of our joy - through our feelings and emotions, so what must we do? We need to take our thoughts captive and reject the negative ones and keep the positive ones. "Will we benefit by this thought and if not to the trash basket with it!" Be selective about what you think and allow yourself to feel. Get out of bad habits...criticism, unforgiveness etc. CHoose to override those things and do the opposite. Become a diplomat. Become confident and dont operate in fear. Develop a back bone and throw away the WISH bone. People love positive people, so choose to become positive. You watch how your man begins to change when you change your attitude. It really works. All it requires is commitment and dedication. You owe it to yourself to be accountable to you and your family. Think again and let go all those negative feelings. It really works, even in the worst scenarios.
Read the book "Love and Respect" by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. THis book has made such a difference to my marriage.
Honey , dont quit. Give it your all. You held on for 17 years, now make the difference and save a good thing. DIvorce is a terrible process and so painful and hurtful and God hates it because of the results. All that will happen is you will take all this misery into another relationship with you. Please think again.
God richly bless you and help you to make the right choice.
2007-02-09 07:25:59 · answer #6 · answered by uniquechild 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well if you have absolutely made up your mind that you can't work it out and you are going to divorce, then you have to be sure the kids know you both love them no matter what. Never talk to your kids badly about their dad; never put them in the middle of any adult situation. Make sure you both stay actively involved in their lives.
2007-02-09 06:39:41 · answer #7 · answered by abc 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure your still agood Mom, I don't think there is any easy answer tot his question. It is the age old question which is better for the kids 2 parents 2gether who don't get along or two parents separate without all the drama at home. Good luck to you.
2007-02-09 06:38:41 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
well i walked out on my ex when my son was about 8 or 9
it is very hard but i will tell you this much IT WAS WELL WORTH IT
he knew mom and dad were having problems and not happy
he knew everything
we didn't fight in front of him or act stupid in front of him HE KNEW
we tried to keep it = and calm we slip on good terms and we talked it out before i left
we sat down as parents not as 2 ppl who disliked each other and figured out everything
it worked much better
we figured out to tell him everything and that first off IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT you have to make sure they understand that
we said to him remember when you were friends with scott and then you were not friends anymore thats how we are now but we love you
as parents we figured we would keep the house and slip up with an apt. we split the cost of the apt and on weekends i go to the apt and my ex came to the house the kids stayed in the same school with the same friends it worked for us
during the week he went to the apt and stayed
i always made sure he could come and go as he pleased and just a call away for a dinner out or a game
as he got older he made his choices for big holidays or bdays
to this day he is a very good boy and always talks to us openly
2007-02-09 07:05:10 · answer #9 · answered by elite_women_rule_the_rock 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
prepare them but it can be worst if you stay together so just do whats right, with time they will understand.
2007-02-09 07:01:26 · answer #10 · answered by M-Ram . 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋