Am I wrong?

Question

The story is kind of long, but in short...my husband's ex (who broke his heart) got in touch with him. I said it would be okay for him to "write her back, but as long as they didn't IM each other; I'm not comfortable with it and it just seems too personal." His first email back to her was for her to set up an IM account so that they could talk. I asked him about this and he just said that he didn't see a problem with it. Anyway, she ended up sending an email saying that she kept missing him. I told him to end it...that it was making me miserable. He did, but now everytime he's online...he's always checking to see if she's online. Am I wrong for not trusting him? I want to believe that he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't know that I know he's looking for her to sign on. Any advice I can get here would be great. Guess that I should mention that we've been married for 6yrs and have 3 kids...one was just born in Dec. Someone please help!

Answer 1

You aren't wrong for having doubts at the moment, because he went ahead and wrote her to set up the IM account after you said you would be uncomfortable with IM. He gave you reason to distrust him with that action. On the other hand, you would be wrong to demonstrate that distrust now, because he did end the contact at your request. His doing so puts the trust ball back in your court.

His checking her online status might not be a good way for him to handle his emotions, but whether or not it is it's his decision to make. He is doing so privately and it does not involve her. You would be undermining his gesture to you by inquiring or confronting him on his checking her status.

In time, provided he doesn't contact her, your trust in him should get back to where it belongs. He goofed by underestimating your first request, but as he has broken off contact he has compensated for it in terms of his actions.

Until he contacts her again or gives you further reason not to trust him, cut him some slack. Always strive to build/safeguard the trust, and avoid what undermines it.

Answer 2

I have a similar problem; actually been there so many times. From my experience, if you force him to stop he won't. I think
the best way to solve this problem is to have a serious talk
with him(tell him EXACTLY how you feel). When you do, you have to put your anger aside and don't make the conversation so long. He will think your just nagging. Even after the talk, you will
still feel uncomfortable about it because once the trust is lost,
its very hard to get it back. How were your relations with him
before the mail incident? We're you guys having problems? Sometimes a guy(my point of view) look for a lenient. They
feel somewhat wanted. If he still continues, just let it be. He
has to stop on his own. I don't think he would go beyond than a
mail. I hope my advice was a help.

Answer 3

I must say you are quite a woman. My husband had wanted to keep in touch with his ex, I said no, it was wrong. So, he did it behind my back anyway. Atleast you gave him the option. Let me just say this...She knows that she gave a good man up and now, she wants him back. On the flip side, if he were to leave you, the shoe would be on the other foot. He would be wanting you back. It's some generational curse. You gave your spouse an inch, he took a mile. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Answer 4

You are not wrong. You can ask him to stop, but unless he doesnt want to , he wont. he is curious about her. You dont say whether she is married or not. I have a suggestion that may seem strange. If she lives in your area, I think you should suggest to your hubby that you all get together for dinner. Invite her over, and if she is married, or has a bf invite him also. They broke up for a reason, and chances are they have both moved on and are just curious about each others lives. If he sees her again, maybe it will put his questions to rest. Who knows? You may gain a friend. If he wants her back then at least you will know who you lost him to, and you will know that you tried to be a good wife.

Answer 5

It sounds to me like there is a major trust issue going on here between you and your husband. Has he ever given you a reason to believe he would cheat on you?
You say you have been married 6 years. He must be happy and in love with you or he would not still be there.
For you to tell him who he can and can not talk to, is wrong. He is an adult. You can tell him how it makes you feel, and express that it makes you feel uneasy and why. Communicate with him, but not in a manner in which he feels that you are accusing him of doing something wrong!
He should be able to be friends and stay in contact with his ex without you having to fear that something will happen between them. If you can not do this, that means there are larger issues in your marriage than just this.

Best of Luck!

Answer 6

He needs to talk with his ex. Remember that she was a big part of his life at one point in time. Their is nothing wrong with them being friends. You are understandably right to be concerned about this. Talk to your husband in a non confronting way about this. If you are confrontational about it , then he will immediately go on his guard and you will get nothing. You can IM me any time you wish and we can discuss it if you would like. I too am married and have been since Sept 2001. Relax, he is just getting in touch with an old friend.

Answer 7

Trust thats tested constantly leads to hurt and distrust. Talk to him, tell him that you want things to be open and that it really is bothering you. Remind him that youre the only woman for him because if he felt that wasnt true then he wouldnt marry you. If she broke his heart cos she cheated then thats even more reason that he should remove her. Insist on him being honest so that the marriage isnt affected. If this doesnt work then talk to the woman directly cos communication goes 2 ways.

Answer 8

Hi AJ

In the first place, it's wrong to let him contact his ex. I'm sure they'll start missing each other and wanted to get in touch as much as possible. I commit that mistake once when I contact my ex thru IM and frankly, it's hard to resist when that someone you used to love is there for you. I'm lucky my husband is willing to forget about it when I told him the truth.

Do talk to your hubby and let him know how you feel.

Answer 9

yes you were wrong some thing so simple and innoence now look where today lay down the law lady you have a family that woman dont care about your family and your husband just got to comfortable with your relationship now he got his cake and going to eat it too get your man back and never allow ex back in anyone life good luck and lay down the law

Answer 10

you are in a pendemonical situation -- a confused state. Better talk to ur husband clearly about his preference,decision about u three people's lifes. Dont get tensed or emotioned now. Its hard but try to be cool to some extent. If needed also talk to ur husbands ex.