why do women with children stay in abusive relationships?

Question

these are strong words, but do they find an abusive relationship sexually gratifying and pleasurable? are they too lazy to move out and do things on their own? isnt it selfish to think about bills, assets, and this hopeless concept of a perfect family of a mother and father if it just isnt in the cards? also, dont they realize they are damaging their children. just curious. thanks.

how can it be so hard to break up with someone who is beating and demoralizing you?

clarification: i did not say it is a turn on for them to stay in an abusive relationship with their kids. i ASKED if it was a turn on to stay in an abusive relationship. in fact, i am concerned for the kids.

Answer 1

What follows is PART of the answer: the part that is omitted (the ‘psychology part”) concerns the fact that it takes two to tango. Not to minimize for one moment the role of the abuser - I will add though that there is usually something psychologically ‘amiss’ with the victim. Many enter relationships that would have mentally healthy, psychologically sound women heading for the hills as fast as their feet would carry them! Our intuitive “Spidey-Senses” warn us about potential danger – in stark contrast to the women who do become victims:they are often utterly blind to those very same warning signals. Why? Perhaps desentisation from childhood abuse, etc. Subject for a different question as there is insufficient room here for discussion.

Why Do Women Return?
The Domestic Abuse Cycle
Why do women return to violent relationships?

This is one of the most common questions asked by the average person who doesn't understand domestic abuse. This question has become a hot button with advocates, because it placed blame on the victim instead of the perpetrator. One valid response is to challenge the question itself:

"The question is not, 'why doesn't she just leave,'" we correct gently. "The question is, 'why doesn't he just stop hitting her?'"
We need to get this straight. The blame here lies squarely on the abuser, not the victim.

However, challenging the question only goes so far. A battered woman will return to her abuser eight or nine times before she leaves for good.

And people ask, "Why?"
The fact that this question has persisted is an example of how poorly society understands the cycle of violence and the needs of battered women. Once you see a battered woman as an actual human being, the reasons she returns to her abuser are logical and straightforward.

Let's look at a battered woman with typical problems. A crisis center or Hotline tells her they can place her in a safe home, so she leaves her abuser. She brings her two children (in 70% of domestic violence cases if a man is beating his wife, he is also beating his children). After a few days in the safe house, the crisis center tells her that their funding only pays for three or four days residence.

"So what do I do now?" she asks. The crisis center gives her a list of battered women's shelters.

There's only one problem. All of the shelters are full.
She has no place to go. Her family abandoned her when she married the guy. Her friends can't afford to take her in, or are afraid to do so because her husband is so violent. She has no money and no resources, because everything is in her husband's name. She ends up living in her car.
The first or second night they spend in the car, she takes a serious look at her problems.

She's homeless.

One of her children has a fairly serious medical condition, like asthma or allergies. But the insurance is in her husband's name, so medical care is not available.

They're hungry, and she has no idea where she will get their next meal.

Since they're homeless, she risks losing custody of her children to her husband. And if he gets sole custody she won't be able to defend them.

She has been a wife and mother for years, so her education is either incomplete or obsolete. She has no job prospects or job training and is looking at a life in poverty, working at McDonald's.

Her husband beats her.

Notice that domestic violence is the sixth problem on her list. And as she sits in the car, watching the windows fog up, on alert for danger, listening to her children try to sleep, she is forced to face facts. If she returns to her abuser, five out of her six problems will be solved.

Abusers create these situations deliberately. They work to force their victims to stay with them by destroying all other options. And domestic violence will end only when society addresses all of the problems facing a battered woman.
Some of these problems do have answers and there are many domestic abuse survivors. We'll address these solutions in future articles, including developing personalized Safety Plans. But let's return to the question we posed: "Why does she go back?"

And now we have the answer: "Because everything is stacked against her."

Don't condemn the woman who goes back. Celebrate the woman who manages to escape.

Answer 2

I understand where your going. Sorry though it's a sterio type.
Women without children are sometimes the same way. And the other way around. I am a single father and have been accussed of getting into one abussive relasionship after another. SOO I've been single for about 3 years. What are you to do. I walked out so many times I can't count. I finally took everything. including her using a ball bat on me.
Everyone is a victum. It's been said that we often do what we saw as children...Just like you said, it's effecting the children. They may grow up the same way some day. Maybe the oppisite. I alway's want my boy's to have more than I did, a better life than I had. Soom people dont feel that way. Some are bitter over there lack of and it shows through there actions., They often start tension through doing OR not doing. I went with the it's better to just be alone which is wrong also. eventually I'll start over. All we can do is hope for the best.
Beware of Bi Polar

Answer 3

I think there can be many underlying reasons why a woman doesn't leave an abusive relationship.

She has low self-esteem and thinks no one else will want her. That this is better than nothing. (A cowardly reason in my eyes).

Other reasons, that I feel you cannot really fault her for:

Abuse is often cyclical. She could have been abused by her father and truly believe this is the way things are. Abused people are damaged and often need help to leave abusive situations. Especially when they were abused as children when they had no way out.

They are afraid. Many times the abuser tells them things like he will kill her if she leaves, he will kill the children if she leaves, etc. That can be terrifying, especially when she knows he's capable of it by the abuse she has already recieved.

There are many, many reason an abused woman doesn't get out. Sometimes it is her own fault, sometimes she is in desperate need of help. Abuse from someone that is in authority over you is very hard to escape from. It takes a momentous amount of courage, and you have to know where to go for help.

All one can do when they witness situations such as this is record everything to give the proper authorities and try to help her in any way she will allow you to.

Answer 4

Is it SO uncommen to think that these women are beaten into thinking that 1. No one will love them like thier abuser does?
2 No one will take care of them after they leave thier abuser because they have kids and nobody wants the baggage???
3 do you HONESTLY think a woman will put her childs life in danger just to have the bills paid???? Or because they are too lazy to protect them???
Mothers in this situation are subjected to emmotional and physical abuse and will flee the situation when the abuse is directed to thier children!!!
How DARE you say it is a sexual turn on for them to put thier children in an abusive situation!!!!!!!!!!
You obviously don't have kids....

Answer 5

Some stay because they have no where to go.
Some who just can't up and leave hope they will and don't get enough help from the legal system-only after they get hurt and dammage is done. I suppose unless a woman has a good job and children it would be hard for her to try and rent an apt by herself, It can be hard without those problems. How equally does society treat these women or their children? Issues that promote abortions.Some came from homes where they were abused or un-loved and don't see the similarity when they get in a relationship. Like the mother jealouse of her daughter or treat girls less equally than the boys and destroy their self esteem and sense of power and right to be treated with respect. Making them think they don't deserve to be treated any better. Abusers can pick up on this sometimes making her feel that someone really cares about her-at first. But once involved it's harder for her to get out esp. with kids. Some are just nice people but dependent on the other and stuck because of it. Some with no aspirations are afraid to be alone fearing no one else would want them the way they are.They are not independent minded. But evn those that are find it hard to be so with children. Some know there's a better side to the person and hope in time the better will over come the bad.Usually they had a not so easy life and can relate and really care about this person. They want to believe when they say they'll change they will. But with out helpl they may never. The grave yards a full of woman who waited to long but with a time bomb you never know. The others are those who got out but not far enough out, children can alow a entry back as an excuse to get to her. It takes a strong woman to get out, usually educated before the relationship because most will hamper any attempts of her apirations for fear that will make it easier for her to leave. Strong also in the fact she will have to have some learning in evasion or fighting because when she leaves or threatens to, he may try to kill her, or maybe even threaten to kill the children too.. The best thing for her to do is don't tell him. Most people want to try to handle such things in a civil way but this person isn't civil sooo..that's when the danger comes about. He will usually dominate any resourses she has, driving off friends, jobs, money ect. So she will have to be resourceful, independent, and strong in mind, almost a female Clint Eastwood, or exceptional athlete, for the quick thinking and energy involved in a terrorist situation.. You see unless shes exceptional or has family that could help her with this it wouldn't be easy. Although not enough resources are available to help these men with anger issues and save family, thus leaving these women no choice but to live a live of hardship and no one around to talk to. With society the way it is they could feel life is better with the abuser compaired to that. Society says kids will go bad with out a man around and will seek to do so esp. boys, no matter how hard the child trys, Making them feel things just don't work out for them. Out of the fire into the fring pan. Those dealing with these JUDGEMENTAL MS-MR- PERFECT Im BETTER than you bs need to get a clue when dealing with them- they're just helping future abusers by saying you see if you want to keep these jerks away you need me around. Thus the child is confused about who's the good guy and bad. The smart woman will tell them they're all nutsneed to get a life and mind they're own buisness.

Answer 6

Most women stay out of fear...because the abuser threatens to harm or kill her family or the children (many have carried out this threat). Some stay because they have no place to go and no one to help them...you cannot take children from a home and live in the streets while you look for work and a place to stay. Before you abuse, criticize or accuse...walk a mile in her shoes

Answer 7

I think it has a lot to do with self esteem. By the time it becomes physically abusive, the verbal abuse has left the victim feeling unwanted. These thoughts are usually reinforced by the abuser.

Answer 8

I didn't have kids when I was in an abusive relationship. In my case I can't put my finger on a particular thing that helped me decide, but I just left him.

Answer 9

Once I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin I could never live without you by my side
Then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
Then I grew strong, and I learned how to get along
And so your back from outer space
I just looked in to find you here with that
I said look for your face
Should have changed the stupid lock
Should have made you leave the key
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

Oh, now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Word to the one who tried to hurt me with a lie
You think I'd crumble, you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
For as long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive
I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive

If you've all the strength I have not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high
Yeah, you see me, somebody new
I'm not that gentle little girl that's still in love with you
Now you felt like dropping in and expect me to be free
Now I'm savin all my lovin for someone who's loving me

Boy, now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Word to the one who tried to hurt me with a lie
You think I'd crumble, you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
For as long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive
I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive

Answer 10

I think it is because they think that they have no other choice. At least where they are she has a roof over their heads and food on the table. I've been through it myself so it is not an easy decision to make.