Hey, I have a question...any help is appreciated...my husband's double standards are killing me...?

Question

He can say or do something, and think it is ok, or make excuses for why he did it, but if i do or say the same thing, he gets mad!and then he wants to compare me to him, and be critical and judgemental, and point out all my faults, and then excuse his own....and also, after he attacks me verbally, and says horrible things, he will play it down , and try to put his own spin on what happened, so that he doesn't look so bad for whatever he did or said....any advice would be appreciated!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

It sounds like he needs some counseling...but I doubt he would agree. My ex was like that, and still is to this day. My advice to you is to seriously think about gettin out of this relationship. This kind of verbal abuse and mistrust will turn you into a different person, and not for the better. He will totally destroy your ego, self confidence, and happiness. You might notice that you are a different person when he is around as opposed to the real person you are when you're with your friends or family. You do not deserve to be treated this way and should not continue to put up with it.

Answer 2

Well....what you're describing sounds like more than double standards.

It sounds like abuse.

He doesn't have to hit you to be an abusive husband. Attacking you verbally, saying horrible, demeaning things, never taking responsibility for himself while putting unfair demands on you.....that all constitutes an abusive relationship, whether he ever raises a hand against you or not.

Now, here's the rub. All the sweet talk and understanding and hoping this will go away in the world will not change him. So the question is this: Do you love him enough and can you be happy enough to put up with this facet of his character for the rest of your life?

If so, are these traits something you want to pass along to any children the two of you may have together?

My advice is to think seriously about the relationship you're in. If he is abusing you, then consider getting out. If it isn't abuse, then decide whether you're willing to put up with it "until death do you part". You're not going to change him, so don't waste precious energy trying....

Best wishes to you -

Answer 3

Marriage counselor.

You mentioned 2 things so far. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse. Time to get help for you both as a couple and you as an individual.

Nothing to love when a person is negative by being judgmental, verbally abusive and both fight at rates greater than non-fight rates.

You are tolerating this behavior. This behavior should not be tolerated. Stand up and pick your battles.

Answer 4

Tell your hubby how you feel about him each time he does these things to you let him know that u r hurting and all the more confused with the way he converse with you specially how he points out ur fault and makin himself the perfect man.try to get him to talk to you and come to agreement that you will try to work things out without resolving to fault finding nor verbal abuse.

Answer 5

You know- they pretty much all do that.
It might be helpful to know you aren't alone.

Next time he says something stupid
in an effort to make you feel like less
of a person-just say what I say-
"You know- since you're so perfect-
I think you should die now-
go to heaven and save a place for those
of us who are less perfect than you."

Or the next time he starts belittling you and making excuses for his behaviors
just tell him;

"Oh.... I see we're back to that again-
where you say stupid things to
try and belittle me, and I let you-
because I know how important it
is for you to try and bolster
your self-esteem at my expense."

That ought to shut him up for awhile- ;-)

Answer 6

it sounds like you can identify this so easily because you do the same thing.
people in general do that.
things arent bad when they do them but they can look at another person and say thats bad
it also sounds like your feeling over powered for some reason.
next time he does it though,just apologize for it and dont argue with him,that way you cut him short. and he wont have a chance to prove his point

Answer 7

even bad people think of themselves as not bad,

not saying he is bad, just that we all justify ourselves

the worst we are, in fact, the deeper the justification

dont argue the fact he feels justified, try instead to show him how it makes u feel when certain acts effect u,

that is, he can justify his actions as u can justify ur own, however, it would be difficult for him to argue the veracity of ur feelings,

for instance, instead of saying its wrong for u to hit me, try, when i am hit, by anyone, it hurts me, and when hit by u, hurt more, becuase i feel more hurt for begin hit by a loved one.

then, in this example, justifying hitting u becomes secondary to the validity of ur pain, then he must choose to actively cause u pain by continuing in his actions, or to modify his behavior to cause u less discomfort

Answer 8

My personal opinion is that he does it to feel better about himself. Low self esteem or confidence. I would say to get him some help with it before his problems escalate.

Answer 9

Grow up, it sounds like time for a new husband.

Answer 10

Leave--you are better than that crap he is filling your head with--hard I know--but you need to be alone or another guy who loves you for you--not some insecure jerk who puts you down to feel better about himself.