What do I say to a husband that can't stay home to spend time with his family?

Question

what makes friends more fun than family?

Answer 1

talk with him....

*I also want you to think about where his need to be with friends comes from...is it a learned behavior (from his parents or other family members)...or is it a coping mechanism (to deal with past or present issues)....and that will help you determine how to approach the conversation...


I would say that you could let him know that you feel it is important for him to spend more time with the family...

I am not sure if you have had this conversation or not, but I can give you a few things I had to point out when I had this same situation....

1. I understand that you want to spend time with you friends...but, the family needs you as well...

2. It is important for you to spend time with your children...they need to feel validated and loved...it is a full-time obligation....everyone else should be willing to be 'fit in' around our needs...and they will understand if they really are your friends...

3. I need you...I want us to spend time together...I don't want us to get lost in the process of all of the other things we deal with...we need time together in order to keep our relationship healthy....

4. I feel like _______ (not appreciated, or not validated) when you put your friends over the family

5. We made a commitment to be together...and we both need to put in 100%

I hope that some of those things help....I think that part of it will have to take its' course..and some of the things that are learned in marriage come with maturity only...and that can't be determined by age....(and I say that with all respect..)

My husband and I went through the same thing...I tried to talk...but he couldn't hear me because of how I was saying it to him....because men think differently than women when it comes to interpreting what we are saying to them...



It took us getting some counseling in order for him to finally get it....

Ask him if there is something tha tyou could do to help meet him half way to work things out..."what could I do to help follow up on our efforts to be a functional family"

Answer 2

It depends how much does he see his friends. If it is everyday, then you two need to talk about this. There is probably something that he doesn't like to come home to. It could be a nagging wife, no respect from you or the children, does he feel appreciated of the things he does for you and the kids? Does he get attention from his wife? Those are things to think about.

But if that is not the case, then you need to ask him why does he spend more time with his friends, than with his family. But, do this in private and be kind when talking, without raising your voice at him. Tell him that you would appreciate it if he would spend more time with you and the kids as a family. Or, you two can go out to dinner once every two weeks just to get some time alone with your husband. My husband and I do that every week. (smile)

I would then consider in getting these two books called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and the "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

Remember, husbands need some time away to be with friends, but not every day. And wives should get out with friends once a week as well. There is nothing wrong with that, as long you two are not going into some bars!

Answer 3

Talk to him and make some plans. Ask him if there was something he would like to do that involved the whole family.

He has probably gotten into a habit of going out with friends to relieve stress and so he equates being with his friends as a reward. In the same regard his job may be stressful and he may be thinking that he does everything to support his family and being with the kids just reminds him that he isn't doing enough. When in reality all the kids want is to spend time with him.

If he can't come up with anything that he wants to do all together then you can try another strategy.

Let him know that you appreciate his need to relax and that you have decided that it seems to work for him so you are going to start doing this as well. Give him a calendar and let him know that you two are going to figure out the nights that you are going to go out with friends. On the night that you are out he will have to stay home with the kids.

Then even if you just go to a bookstore by yourself or to a coffee shop or a movie by yourself - get out of the house. Relax.

When my kids were very little I would go visit my girlfriend who lived 200 miles away one weekend every 6 months and my hubby would stay home with the babys. When I came home they were all very excited to see me and appreciated what I do day to day a little bit more.

Answer 4

My husband doesn't like the responsiblity...and the sense of failure being home because bills dont get paid and something is always breaking....I see that as its life.

My grandma used to say that the woman always h as to set the limits for the family; men need to be needed and should be told to get their butts home (she said make it a jealousy thing cause he needs to know you want and love him). I always thought she insulted the intelligence of men...she would say even a good one will find himself in bed with another woman if you are not clear....and my experience so far...is that she is right.

A guys night out is a nice thing. You both need some separate interests. But his life is with you and the family. Time to find some things you do together that are not just cleaning, maintenance and paying bills.... balance. Set up some business meetings so he knows when you will be dealing with all that crap....then have some fun.....and go out on a date.

Answer 5

It's a sad reality and one that I experienced myself (I'm 22 and my dad was the same with my mum when I was about 15). You have to be strong, set a good example for your kids (particularly if you have daughters, we learn how to let ourselves be treated from a young age and what expectations we can hold other people to, and if they see their mum accepting the fact that her husband won't do something as simple as stay home to be with the family sometimes, then what are they going to grow up thinking? And if you have boys, are they going to think it's ok to act the way your husband is??). Give your husband an ultimatum - he either spends (a set amount of time that you think is reasonable) with the family or he can go stay with his friends permanently. I know it sounds harsh, but your kids (depending on their age) are probably feeling their father's absence too, which could be affecting them emotionally, socially and therefore developmentally. If you stand up for yourself and your kids, if it all falls apart in the end (which is another sad reality) you can honestly say you tried to make things right...
I mean, obviously you have to be reasonable and let him have time with his mates, but there is a limit and the fact is he should want to spend time with you guys.
Best of luck :)

Answer 6

The lack of responsibility, and some disfunction regarding relationships and parenting. It sounds as though you two may need some counseling, because this road can get ugly in the long-term; he doesn't develop marriage and parenting skills, and you get resentful. Talk to him, heart to heart; let him know (without nagging) that you miss him. Get some counseling together and apart; it sounds like you need to sort out being a couple and being a family. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

You have to tell your husband that he needs to spend time with the family. Without him doing so he could lose the role of a dad to his children. And you could also loose your affection over him becuase he rather be working, hanging with his buds, etc. You need to sit him down and tell him how its affecting the family in a bad way and he needs to do something about it.

Answer 8

He is obviously cheating on you and you can not see it. Open your eyes and smell the coffee because you are bein betrayed and you are letting it happen. My dad did that to my mom, I dont remember my dad ever actually bein in my life and they were married for 22 years until they finally divorced for good. So I was glad that my mom got the balls to finally break off the loser marriage she was in with him. I told her to divorce him when I was 15 and she didnt for the sake of the kids, dont use your kids as an excuse for they will appriciate a life with out wondering where daddy is. This way you can say mommy and daddy are not going to be living together, we love you guys very much and it is not your faults but daddy needs to get his own space because we need some time apart from eachother for now. Anyways dont let him pick his friends over you and your children because you are ruining their childhood. If you dont talk to him and work things out by basically sayin... hey we either work things out or you can get your divorce papers sent to you at your friends house that you love to spend so much time with. Do it for them.

Answer 9

That's a good question. Why is he having more fun with his friends than he is with you? Are you nagging him all the time? Are you doing fun things at home?

Try marriage counseling.

Answer 10

I agree You need to be honest with him and then if he is still not interested start making plans for you and the family without him then when he ask what you are doing say oh i am sorry i didn't think you would be interested so i already have plans.....