Boyfriend of six years, and my child's father cheated over a year ago... still trying to deal...?

Question

He cheated on me in all since of the word including sex... I've choose to stay with him... but it isn't fair for him if I've choose to stay to keep bringing it up... How is it do I get over this? Or learn to move on? How can we as a couple who has decided to stay stick out the bad times... heal when one has been 100% faithful and they other not??? What can he do for me? What can I do for us?? Any suggestions?

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE ADDED WE HAVE LIVED TOGETHER FOR 5 OF THOSE 6 YEARS WITH A 4 YR OLD DAUGHTER HE'S MORE THAN MY FRIEND

Ok I must be honest, do you people really believe a piece of paper is going to keep your man or woman from cheating?? get real... notice I did not ask for advice as to if I should leave or not I asked advice on how we may get threw this problem and get back to raising our daughter and living life!!!

Answer 1

I take it that you are young and both of you have alot of issues with trust. I mention young because when I was 25 and my wife was 22, I was not so "faithfull" and I took it out on her because I felt if I did her wrong, what makes me think she wouldnt do the same thing? That made me not trust her for no reason. Fact is, you HAVE to learn to trust one another. If this relationship is important to you and him, I would seek advice from a member of a church. In fact, go to church and learn about a man named Jesus who WAS perfect. Then learn that you, I, and your boy friend fall short of Gods glory because we are all sinners. No one is without sin, so we need to be forgiven, You MUST forgive him, but you do have a choice on weather or not to be with him.
I wish you Blessing...God Bless

Answer 2

well girl i must say you are pretty strong to want to stay with a cheater like that. I wouldnt put up with it kid or no kid i would have left and never look back but since you have decided to stay with him you both must understand more so him than you that in order for you to trust him again he has to prove it to you. This isnt a class he cant just walk in and automatically get an A+, this is a relationship that he now has to work twice as hard for to stay in it and you need to let him know that just as easy as it was for him to cheat on you its just that easy for you to walk away and never look back {cause it is really easy}. And you mentioned "but it isnt fair for him if ive choose to stay to keep bringing it up....." Now if thats the only reason why you choose to stay is only to bring up how he cheated on you than your in the wrong there would be no point to stay, unless thats what he keeps telling you. If he is telling you that you are only staying in the relationship to bring up what i did to you than he is an @ss. you mentioned "How is it do i get over this ?" Its not easy to get over thats for sure the man you love is the same man that cheated. but you can try by realizing that he made a mistake and accept that, also you can start by noticing the little things he does if he brings up flowers or the way he kisses you or whatever it may be that you have noticed.
Also keep in mind that time does heal all wounds. and the one thing he can do for you is to help you realize that it was a mistake and it wont happen again. I really hope this helps you out.

Answer 3

I don't want to if the feeling of hurt will ever go away, but I think that maybe you should try to think of how he would feel also. If he is truly sorry for what he did, he is beating himself up about it. It's something that will take a lot of time to get over, but maybe you guys need to go out together and have a serious talk. I think you are doing the right thing about staying with him when he did this. I hope this helped!

Answer 4

If you cant fully forgive him and have faith he wont do it again not matter what any one is telling you then you shouldnt stay.

Forgiveness doesnt have an application so its something your gonna have to do and do with your whole heart.

It may take time it or it can be when you decide your over it.

Maybe seeing a professional on tips or exercises would be a good option.


Good luck and hope it works out for the best!

Answer 5

The feelings of hurt will not go away. It will take some serious time to get over this. I would suggest that if your feelings don't get any better, then maybe it's time to break ties and move on. Because I believe if someone truly loves you, they would never do anything to hurt you. bottom line.

Answer 6

You are so right here it is not fair to him to keep brining it up in his face. You need to let it go and try to get past the pain of this. You need counseling and help or it will only get worse and you may push him away if you dont. You both may want to go to couples counseling as well. Do not bug or keep bringing up what he has done just get the help you need to try to heal and get past this so you can move on with your life together. I wish you both the best.

Answer 7

Once a cheater always a cheater.
Have two children
First at 16. Their dad cheated on me many times.
I stayed for 6 years!
Glad I left!
I kept bringing it up. You owe it to yourself and him ... to get over it ... by moving on. Someone who cheats on you ... isn't with you to begin with.
Move on.
Now I'm happily married .... treated like a queen. Husband buys me anything that I ... "eye" and we are joined at the hip and best friends.

There are better fish in the sea. And there is one waiting for you.

Answer 8

Well, you aren't married, so there's nothing you can do about this. Oh, there is. Make sure you are regularly tested for assorted STDs and HIV/AIDS, since you don't know where he is putting it. Sorry you have to deal with this, but there's a reason lots of people get married.

Answer 9

Heather,

What are you talking about? Do you hear yourself!

You first said "He cheated on me", then "I've choose to stay with him" and you follow it up by "it isn't fair for him".

Repeat after me: "I deserve to be respected". You really do. You played ball, and he played the whore. You dont deserve that. Say it "I dont deserve to be cheated on". You dont deserve to be betrayed.

Not only do you not deserve to be betrayed, you have a right to be hurt. Your feelings are valid, and you need to hear that. Try saying "My feelings are valid". This was a monstrous thing. This breaks up most marriages, and you aren't even married. Until you are real with yourself, and give yourself permission to feel your own feelings, you are going to make no emotional progress and you arent going to "get better". You dont have a responsibility to "get better" right now. At some point in the future you might, but your job right now is to be real.

I can tell you what he can do that will make it right. It will cost him so much in a very special way, that he will never cheat again. It is actually worth the price, and if he pays it, your heart will be fully satisfied and able to love him again. Are you ready?
Here is the metaphor: theft. When he cheated on you, its like he stole something from you. The thing he stole was yours, you owned and he didn't. He had no right to do what he did, but he did it anyway. He kept it away from you, and is still keeping it away from you.

If he stole money, and gave the money back, that wouldnt be enough. You deserve not just to have the money, but to have had the money during the time he took it. If he gave you the money back, then gave back the amount you didnt have while it was stolen, essentially paying twice, he still would not have covered your loss. You also have loss of opportunity during that time. Not only did you not posess it for the time it was stolen, you couldnt do things with it, like spend it. He should pay the money, he should pay again for the time it was out of your posession. He should pay a third time for the loss of opportunity. That three to one payments would cover the original debt, to make it as if it never was.

He didnt steal money. He stole trust. You were honest with him, and he was a slut in return. He stole from you integrity. For him to be trustworthy from now on... you already deserve that and were owed that from the start. Its not enough.

He must understand your economy well enough to understand what is of equal worth. In being pursued and understood, you will get more than you could have otherwise expected. If he can find the thing of worth that is three times greater in value to you than the cost you felt, the cost you experienced, because he was a liar and a thief, then your heart will know it. If its not something your heart deserves, but it recieves, and that thing truly is worth that, it will erase the cost of what he did.

Those things take long hard seeking to find. Those things take time. As a woman, being pursued like that will be surprising, and very appealing. Dont confuse his search for the payment with the payment itself. In paying that he will change himself. He will exact a price from himself that is large enough that his heart will be incapable of cheating again. It takes insight and hard work. He can do it if he is willing to try hard for another 5 years.

Here is the other side. I hear what you aren't saying. You dont want to be a single mom of a kid alone. You dont want your daughter to grow up without a daddy, and run of with some boy at 14, and get herself knocked up and repeat the cycle. Yes there is a cycle, and its tragic.

Fear is the wrong reason. There is help, hope, and plenty of life without your daughter being imprinted by that man. You wouldnt believe how many people choose in their spouse someone with the exact same personality profile as their parent.. its like 95% of them. My church does these profiles, and has for hundreds (thousands) of parents and kids. Its a human thing.. we marry our parents personalities. Yes Freud would have a field day with the data. If your cheating man is around your daughter too long, she wont be able to get a different guy.. her guy will use her like your man is using you.

Oh, if he did it a year ago, then he is still doing it. He is lying to you, and double dipping. Integrity is like an egg, it can be broken, but it can not be made whole. The first time you steal is the hardest, each time after is easier. The first time you knowingly lie to mom or dad is the hardest, each time after that is easier. My guess is that he confessed either because he was caught, because she forced his hand, or because he wanted to manipulate you and it backfired. If he is playing games, time will show that. If he is shooting straight, then he knows he has a long race to run, and he should be okay with you learning and experiencing, and processing, and growing through your feelings. He should be okay with you learning to love him again.

Its something to think about.

PS: If you arent "common law" married in your state, then in the eyes of the law all he is to you is a chromosome donor for your kid. If he gets in an accident, and his family wants to pull the plug, you dont have a soapbox to stand on, and you cant even whine. If you cant prove in a court of law that he is a long-time provider, and has made a commitment to provide for longer than you cohabitate, and shown that it was serious, you dont get alimony or anything. In the eyes of the law, your relationship doesnt exist. Between you and him, legally speaking, there is no "us". Thats what going without a piece of paper gets you. Keep that in mind.

Answer 10

once a cheater, always a cheater... he will cheat again, and he will expect forgiveness...
leave
it isnt going to get better