My wife wants me to give up my passion... HELP!?

Question

We just moved in together last month and have been fighting constantly about the things I can't do anymore. She misses home greatly and is having a hard time with the adjustment since she is at home all day with my 2-yr-old stepson and no car while I am at work. Not to mention she is now pregnant. We haven't been apart, besides while I'm at work, since we have been married but now she is having a problem with my volunteer work. I have been volunteering for years with a youth group that only takes up 1 weekend a month. She used to love that I did that, but now that we are married she says it takes away from valuable family time and that I should give it up, but it is my passion and it makes me feel important in the world because I am helping kids and keeping them off the streets. She is very anti-social so I have already just about given up ALL time with my friends, even my married friends, because she can't be there with me or is not willing to "socialize". Should I give it up?

She doesn't want to try and do it with me, I have offered that. Also, lately our fights start out simple but she gets frustrated and literally attacks me. What do I do? Should I just give up even trying to express my feelings about what I like to do? She won't even agree to see a marriage counselor with me. She finally agreed to do it in a month if we still have problems, but I highly doubt anything will be resolved by then.

Well, this is the wife speaking. I just saw that my husband posted this, which doesn't make me very happy, but I feel like I need to put my 2 cents in. My husband failed to mention that he's in the military. So as it is I have to deal with a lot more than what ordinary wives have to. He has deployments which can last anywhere from 6 months - 1 year. Also he can randomly be gone for a few nights whenever he has training to do, etc. So as it is he has a very time consuming job. The volunteering that he is doing is called SeaCadets, it's kind of like training the youth to join the Navy. It's a great program and I don't have a problem with it. We all the time I have to sacrifice as it is for his military career I do feel that one weekend out of the month is too much. Now let me make it clear that if this one weekend/month would be maybe 4 hours on Sat and 4 hours on Sun, I would be perfectly fine with that. But it's not. It's him leaving around 6am Sat and not getting home till Sundaynight

So he's gone the entire day Sat, including the night, and not returning till Sun night. Not to mention where this SeaCadet group is located is over an hour from us (which financially speaking we really don't have the money for the gas). At first I offered to him to do some other type of youth group in town that wouldn't take up so much of his time. I wouldn't even mind something that was EVERY weekend as long as it was for only an hour or so. It's the ENTIRE weekend that bothers me. When it comes to the way I'm feeling, yes I'm lonely. We just relocated here because of military. I'm a good 12 hours from any family or friends. We've only been living here a month, which hasn't given me any time to meet friends yet. When we got married and moved I lost a 100% scholarship that I had. I don't resent doing this because my husband is my family and I would put him before anything. I'm currently still taking classes and we're finding ways to make that work.

but yes, i'm extremely lonely here. I'm taking care of my 2 year old son (any moms out there know what that age is like). I'm in my first trimester of pregnancy, sick all the time and feeling just plain yucky. The weather's been too cold here to even take my son out in the backyard (which is all I could do since I don't have a car). I actually don't want a car right now because we financially can't afford a second car. With money problems aside, it would be nice to have a car just to run simple errands WITH my son. Like to the grocery store or taking him to the park which is a good 15 minute drive (not walkable). I'm the type of woman who firmly believes a person's family should come first. In my situation with my husband i have always put him first in everything. We came to a compromise last night which would involve him going for only Saturday

and coming home that night. This is totally okay with me, but it still doesn't seem like that's good enough for him.

Okay, let me through one more little comment in here about SeaCadets. When we were first dating and he was involved in this program. There was a 17 year old girl who was attracted to him, sending him sexual text messages all the time. He was "friends" with her on myspace and after we first started dating I came across a message he had wrote her (before me and him were together). She was going through an emotional crisis or something and ended up emailing him pictures of her (not nude ones... just like senior pictures or something), well he wrote back a comment to her that she looked very sexy and grown up and asked her to send him more. Well.... let me say I was very upset when I read this. He claimed he was just trying to make her feel better because she was going through a "hard time"... yeah... you don't say that to an underage girl no matter what the circumstance

So.. my main focus is him spending that time with the family. But I felt I also had to mention my somewhat negative feelings towards the program because of the girls involved in it.

Okay, I think I just about covered it all. I think everyone can get my side of the story now.

It's the husband again. Just to let everyone know... I never had feelings at all for this underage girl. She wasn't leaving me alone after I made several attempts to tell the girl she was out-of-line. In person, I completely blew her off. And about the email... It came several weeks later. I honestly was trying to make her feel better, but realized soon after that my response to her was also out-of-line and innappropriate, but in NO MEANS did I actually think she was sexy and wanted to see more pics. I wanted to make her feel better, but took the wrong approach completely.

Answer 1

Dump her

Answer 2

Wow - both sides of the story. And I can see both sides. How long hav e you been married? You say you just moved in together last month, he's in the military, you have a 2 year old and you are already pregnant? Is that why you got married? If it is something he did BEFORE marriage - it's only going to cause resentment if you make him stop. What you really need to do is try and get a full-time job so you can meet people and possibly save money to fly home on the weekends he does this to see your family. Or take some type of therapy to get you comfortable with meeting other wives of the volunteers to get together while he's gone. It's hard to be home alone with kids, I am an expert on that. But at some point you have to pick what's important and let the other stuff go. Are you willing to give up your marriage over something so important to him? If not - find a way to make it work. If so - seek counseling or pack your bags. Hubby - you need to be a little more sympathetic to your wife and maybe MAKE time otherwise to spend with her. Find babysitters and try to be home more or give up another activity that isn't so close to your heart. Meet up for lunch - Go out to dinner. Plan 3 days weekends to visit home. I don't know - show more effort on your side, and she is more likely to be willing to give a little in return. Counseling people. Do it now - before it's too late.

Answer 3

Wow, that is the longest question I've ever read. I think that you should be allowed to continue your volunteer work (and have friends and a social life). You have already given up friends and a social life for your wife, which I think is unreasonable in the first place. I'm sure this volunteer work is good for the kids and yourself. It's a good way for you to get out and you're doing something positive. One weekend a month is not that much, there are 3 other weekends left. I'm sorry but your wife sounds insecure and selfish. I would love to stay home and take care of a two year old all day, instead of working and taking care of 4 kids. It sounds as if your wife needs to build up her self esteem and confidence, so that she can enjoy a social life to. It would help greatly when you are deployed. Just because she wants to live in a bubble of a world, doesn't mean you have to. Maybe she should seek some counseling for her insecurities and lack of social skills. I don't want to sound mean or anything, but it isn't fair that you should have to give up everything because you have a wife and child. In the long run you are going to feel resentful and smothered. You are supporting them, and you love them...and this needs to be recognized. Good luck...

Answer 4

Love is give and take. It's not always equal. It maybe one partners time in the sun while the other one has to stand aside in support and help them to shine.
I think it is quite unreasonable for one partner to expect the other to change or give up things that were fine before the I dos were exchanged.
It is admirable that you gave up a scholarship but it was still your choice and should have been done with out any strings attached.
When life changes there is always an adjustment period.
You need to ask yourself is what I gained worth more than what I gave up?
Life is simple when you're alone. But you're alone. Which would you rather chose?
I'm sure the deployments are difficult and you should both be applauded. I admire you both.And Thank you both.
Sometimes I think it's as simple as the husband provides the house, The wife makes it a home that they both want to come home to.
Lastly Attitude is everything. Hormones run wild when you are pregnant and a two year old is a handful. You are very lucky!!!!

Answer 5

You two are really a mess. I don't mean to be rude. Marriage is serious. Look at what you are saying here. Is your family important to you at all? Common sense equation would work well here. You are now a married man. You can't have your cake and eat it too. UNLESSS, you both agreed to this before hand. You can't do everything that makes you feel good and neglect your family. Your wife is pulling her weight in the sacrafice department. You need to listen. You are me, me, me right now. For God's sake she is pregnant with your child. It cant be good for your baby to have a stressed out mommy. Charity starts at home. While many other kids need you, you have made a commitment to your wife, and she needs you, if not for the sake of your own child right now. Why can't you take on a new project? Volunteer at a police athletic league a few hours a week, teach a GED class for a few hours. If you really cared about your family, you would work this simple equation out. Please put your family first though. You aren't married to your work. If you find that you can't make some sacrifices, then you shouldn't be married and maybe it's time to say that. I think you could find something that makes you feel good that doesn't require as much time. As it is now, you probably don't want to be home much anyway, because you all are fighting. FIX IT. Stop running away, or own up to it and get a divorce already. As far as the pictures of the teenager goes, how would you feel if it was your wife asking for pictures? Do you think that was appropriate for someone working with already vulnerable children? You really need to get out of that river. You know the one "De-Nial"? Your not acting like a married man. Grow up, own up....charity starts at home....before you help others help your own!

Answer 6

As an ex-military man, now retired, I can understand the lonliness that your wife feels, however any wife of a mili- tary person can be lonely because of what the job entails. It's good that you help kids and see if your wife can't get into something that she might like as just because she is pregnant does not mean that she has to stay home all the time. Money is an issue as it was when I was first in the military and married however the job is secure and money is always made. Sit down with her and ask her what is it that she would like to do when you are helping the kids out. Also if you volunteered only all day on saturday then you would be with the family all day sunday, and maybe that would help the situation out as after all as a volunteer you can adjust your time away from home, Talk to her and get her feed back on what would make her more tolerable with you volunteering. Good luck.

Answer 7

Being a stay at home mom is really hard work. I have two kids (4 and 2) and I definitely remember being sick and tired and having to entertain a little one. My husband is a very busy guy himself, so I can understand being by myself a lot, too. What gets me through are my outings (post office, grocery store, and any other "lame" place you can think of), family, friends, and church. I'm really feeling for you since you do not have those things.

Yes, I remember that this Dad's question...Dad, can wife and mother of your kids and your own kids be your passion for little while? Everybody needs and outlet and yours is definitely a worthy one, but so are the wife and kids. Can they become your new passion until Mom and kids can discover an outlet, too? It is so hard for the stay at home Mom to vent her frustrations when the out of the house Dad has been working all day. There's tons of guilt in our complaints even if it doesn't sound like it. You guys definitely need as much together time as you can get. Mom, you need a friend or two. You can't do it alone!! Dad, help her find some girl time and help.
Don't stop talking it through and try hard to listen to each other. Best of luck to you both.

Missed the picture thing the first time ... you guys may need some counseling, too

Answer 8

Both sides have a good argument and both are right to an extent.
To the husband, It's a very commendable thing that you are doing to help kids but you can also help kids by volunteering for the boy scouts. You can even use your military experiance in the scouts, for instance, survival training. If you want to do volunteer work do something that doesn't take as much time away from your wife but still is a big influence on kids.
To the wife, you should be proud of your husband and I think you are because he is trying to help kids out. I am sure that you and your husband can come to some sort of comprimise on all your issues and I can understand that you would like to have him home more and spend time together.One last thing for you, go out with your husband once in awhile with friends and who knows, you might have a good time.
You two discuss things with each other whenever a problem arises and if need be come to some sort of comprimise so as you both will win.
Good luck.

Answer 9

You both could sit down and work out some time management in order to make things run a bit more smoothly. If it's possible the husband could take public transit to work once or twice a week so the wife has the car available to run errands. Volunteering your time is a good thing but not if it takes a lot of time away from the family, especially with young kids. Put the volunteering on hold until the children are a bit older.

Answer 10

I'm glad your wife was able to give her side to the story. Like the saying goes, "There are 3 sides to the truth. His side, her side and the truth".

I think it is noble that you like to volunteer. But I am concerned with the "myspace" friend you socialized with. Most importantly the message you left her that was completely inappropriate. I can see why your wife does not feel comfortable with you staying gone an entire weekend. That is too much time for a man to be gone from home. She accepts your military status and clearly admires your sense of community contributions. However, you can be just telling her one thing and leaving an open door to do WHATEVER while you're "volunteering". I should know. (I've messed around with my fair share of married men back in the day. What a perfect cover.) Not to imply that you are doing something you shouldn't. But why leave room for doubt? Your wife has TOO much time at home to allow her imagination to run WILD. She sounds like a good woman. She definitely loves you. You should find volunteer work that the both of you can agree on. Isn't your marriage worth it?

Answer 11

Yeah, Your priorities are at home! Sometimes after marriage you find out just who your friends are. I don't think that you completely gave up all your friend time. You have to put the shoes on your feet. Maybe she is tired of baby talk 24 - 7 maybe she has forgotten how to communicate with people her age because it's baby talk all day until you get home........
Always put your family first! And one thing stop calling him your step son! He is not a step! You married his mommy! Thus making you his DADDY!
I agree digging up things that happen before you were together can only cause problems. It wasn't your problem then and do not make it your problem now! I have been married for 6 years and we have been together since high school ( 14 years ). I use to do this with my husband and we have both learned that it only makes things worse you have to let it go. Although I do understand your concerns!