how much involvement should my new wife play in my sons life?

Question

sue does not have any children of her own and wants to play a active part in my childs life(attend teacher conferences,volunteer at joey's sports events ect).the problem is my exwife,shes very jealous of sue and wants her to have very little to do with joey(casual freinds at best).i have joint custody so i have as much say as my ex but she has been known to put up a stink and i'm afraid joey will be the one to suffer to see his parents go at it.joey in 8yrs and i have been divorced for 5yrs.stepmoms/divorced dads how would u handle this?should i tell my wife to back off for now on the mother thing? or should i tell my ex to back off and just hope it will not cause ant problems for my son.

Answer 1

I'm a stepmom and it's a very difficult position to be in. We ended up with full custody of my husband's son and that really ticked off his wife!
The best advice I can give you is to be a good, consistent father. I would advise your new wife against going to parent conferences, etc. if the ex is there. But sports events are a different story. The more people that show up to support your son, the more exciting for him! She shouldn't have to sit at home while you are watching you son's games.
Your ex is just going to have to get over her jealousy. I know how ex's can make trouble. Since you have joint custody, she has no say in the role Sue has in your home. Let Sue know that Joey doesn't need another mommy. He already has one. But she can still be your loving wife and play an important role in your son's life. Tell her to have patience and remember, it is crucial that you be consistent with your son. Few things can tear a marriage apart faster than a dad who won't support his new wife. Good luck to all three of you.

Answer 2

Your new wife should take an active role in the child if she wants to. This is not her replacing the mother, this is just being a part of the child's life. I have two little girls, and if I begin to date someone, at some point they will meet my girls, and know the new person is part of my life. Having a relationship with my kids is inevitable. We are a package deal.

Ignore the answers that say "she needs to back off" or "it isn't her place", as they are wrong. Talk to you son, let him know that mommy is still mommy, and your new wife is not replacing mommy, but also wants to be active in his life.

If she wants to volunteer at sporting events, that's great. Your ex doesn't really have a say in that. And, most youth sports programs can use all the help they can get.

If your ex can't handle the parent teacher conferences, then schedule your own conference with the teacher and do them separately.

Whether your ex likes it or not, the new wife is going to be a part of the child's life as she is your new wife. Time to grow up, act mature, and think about the child first, and not the fact she is mad because you have remarried.

And to those who answered differently, I am willing to bet that had this been the other way, and the mother remarried, you would have said that the father just needs to accept the mother has a new husband, and there is nothing that can be done about that.

Like I said, my little girls will know that if someone new comes into my life, they will not be Mom. But, I hope that they understand that the new woman will be a part of their lives. I will expect the same thing to happen if my ex remarries. He will not be Dad, but he will be a part of their lives.

Answer 3

Your new wife needs to accept the fact that your child has one Mother and one Father, and it is not her role to take part in these activities at this time of life. Your little one should be the main focus, not the women in your life.

It's not about telling someone to 'back off' because those are hurtful and painful words. However, you should sit down with your current wife and make it clear that this is the way it needs to be at this time. She can love and support your child when you three are together, but because there are bad feelings with the ex-wife, her forcing herself in will only inflict great emotional stress not only to the child but to the relationship that you and your ex must maintain for the child.

If your current wife is mature, she will understand. When she married you she knew there was an ex-wife, and my guess is she knew there would be issues on this level. Of course she wants to be accepted, but this is not the place or time. Perhaps on another night you, your new wife, and your child can go to dinner and talk about the event ... share what took place ... making her a part of the moment. She can support your child with positive feedback at that time, and in all the other moments when the child is at your home.

Good luck and remember, communication is everything.

Answer 4

i played a very active part in my stepdaughters life. she was only 3 though so it wasnt as an active part as yours will.
i dont see a problem with her attending teachers meetings and such when u are unable to. however, if you are able, then u should be the one to attend. as far as sports events, whats wrong with that:? i dont see a problem. as long as she isnt one of those that wants to take the place of the mom, then allow her to be a part of his life.....after all, he is a part of you.
the ex wife has to understand that you are now remarried. the new wife will see the boy as much as you will now. over time i am sure the ex will lighten up a bit, but i think its fair for a mother to be very edgy about another woman playing mommy to him. i know i would be.
so i can see the ex's point. maybe its not such a bad idea, to gradually make these adjustments for the sake of the boy. the new wife might try to be friends with him and ask him if he cares if she comes to his games and such. he is 8 and i am sure has his own thoughts on every matter....lol so ask him. include him in these decisions so that if the ex poses a problem, he doesnt feel uncomfortable.
thats what i would suggest. i hope everything works out for u.
Good luck.

Answer 5

First she needs to be a friend to them and be a step mom... She will never take the place of their real mom. Yes she should back off a little for now and slowly over time become more like a mom to them. She cannot rush or push this on the kids and neither can you. Your ex will have to get over her jealousy too and learn to let your wife be a stepmom to upir spm.

Answer 6

Honestly, the mother has to be respected. But so does the step mom. But if the mom is playing the active mother role, then the step mom should NOT try to step in and take even an inkling of that place. She needs to find her own median in this relationship. If she wants kids, honestly, give her one. Don't expect your ex wife to even think about relinquishing any of her motherly privileges and responsibilities to your new wife. I'm sorry, but it's not your new wife's place.

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I have to say, as a mother whos son's father has passed away, that since your son's mother is still alive and very much in the picture she deserves the respect of the mother. Your new wife doesn't belong at teacher conferences, that's the parent's roles. She has to build a step mother relationship with him that doesn't include motherly things like teacher confrences.

If my sons father was still alive and active in my son's life, my new husband would know and respect his place and relationship that my son would have with his father and the relationship he has with my son.

These answers that tell you not to listen to advice like this is only begging you to have trouble with your ex wife. And believe me, she will bring you back to court and attempt to get soul custody of your child if you insist your new wife takes the role of a mother and not a step mother. This isn't something your ex wife only needs to get used to, but all of you need to figure out.

You need to understand that your ex loves her son very very much. She is the mother.

I stand by what I said, if your new wife wants to be a mom, your son is not the one she should be a mom to. She needs to have her own child. Not try to step in and be a second mom to your son.

She has her place and must realize that she is only going to hurt the child if she tries to fight your ex wife on that.

Answer 7

I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE THINKING IT IS A HARD DECISION, YES YOU & UR EX ARE JOEYS PARENTS BUT SUE IS NOW YOUR WIFE, & IT IS ONLY FAIR THAT SHE IS INVOLVED, TELL SUE HOW YOUR EX IS & SHE WILL UNDERSTAND WHY JOEY IS STAYING WITH YOU SHE WILL BE INVOLVED BUT WHEN HE IS WITH HIS MAM YOU BOTH TAKE A BACK SHELF, UNLESS YOUR SON NEEDS YOU,

Answer 8

if your wife is willing to be an active part in your sons life let her. your ex needs to back off it will benifit your son in the long run