How do i get past it?

Question

Ok so my husband had an affair with one of his ex's they never slept together or anything like that but i still considered it an affair cause they would talk all hour of the night and would flirt and i dont really know what else. For some reason i cant move on past it. i dont know what to do. We are doing much better and he has not spoken to her in over 4 months but for some reason no matter what i always seem to think about what the may have been talking about or what was said i dont know what to do. How do I move on past it? only scerious answers i will report you if you are rude.

Answer 1

This is the best book I have read on the subject and worth your time and money to read. It deals with this problem. http://www.amazon.com/Avoiding-Greener-Grass-Syndrome-Marriage/dp/082542013X/sr=8-1/qid=1170981178/ref=sr_1_1/104-5679571-2784723?ie=UTF8&s=books
The site is on Amazon, you don't have to get it from them, just to read up on it. Your library might have it on shelf.

Answer 2

You can pray (that's a bunch of crap) or you can get into counseling... Betrayal, hon, is the only deal buster in a marriage, and if you didn't think that they slept together, guess what??? you are likely wrong. Your marriage lacks trust, because he likely shared passion with someone else... and it will be two years before the trust returns, even if you both wish to save your marriage, and that is no guarantee..... because when the trust goes, the other two--respect and admiration-- are in the toilet tooollll If he did not have sex with the lady, you are blowing up for no reason. end of story..... If he did, you have every right to be angry and hurt.... I couldn't care less if you report me... you have a problem that you can only get solve with help... otherwise, it will just grind on you on your marriage and on your life.

If your husband is still seeing an ex girlfriend, he's still a baby, and not committed to your marriage... and marriage should be fun, and thoughtful, and kind, and nice, and pleasant things each done for the other... it is also solving problems without rage and resentment, and that takes some skill --- learn it. And sometimes the best any of us can do, is just to shut the hell up... But if you are not committed to your marriage, and the support it needs, and he isn't either, then in reality, you don't have a marriage, you have a roommate and an occasional boilking buddy, and them just aint the same, hon.

Answer 3

Well you are entitled to feel betrayed because of the attention he was paying to her by talking to her on the phone so much, etc.

But you said she was one of his ex's.....and they never slept together?

If they are platonic friends, then maybe they are just talking on the phone as friends would. Maybe you over reacted. Did you discuss your feelings with your husband? Did he admit to some wrong doing? Just because someone is married doesn't necessarily mean they won't flirt with the opposite sex. The test is whether they take it beyond talking and flirting to a physical relationship.....which apparently your husband did not.

Be thankful your husband did not have a physical relationship with anyone else. Without physical contact or sex I really wouldn't call what he did an affair. Just move on and be glad he did not commit adultery.

Answer 4

I had a similar situation myself. You have to decide whether or not you trust him. This stuff will eat you up inside. I had a constant knot in my stomach, always wondering if he was talking to her again & I would freak out every time his phone rang. You need to sit down and have a calm rational conversation with him. Just tell him that there are some things that are still bothering you. Communication is the key, and you have to be able to talk to him about it. When you have this conversation get EVERYTHING out. Don't hold anything back, otherwise you will end the conversation and still not feel any better.

Answer 5

Yes it is still considered an affair because your spouse emotionally cheated on you. Even if your spouse went on the internet and chatted with different women, that's still an affair. You have every right to feel this way. He has to work on forgiveness because you haven't gotten over it. Maybe seperate a while to see if you can heal. You can't heal while living with him because you will always think of the affair. That's the only solution I can think of is for seperation to see how things go.

Answer 6

Thats a tough one. Obviously you still are holding onto a lot of hurt and anger regarding the "affair" and trust is very difficult to rebuild. I would highly suggest seeing a counsellor, preferably with your husband or at least on your own and deal with the issues before they eat away at you. You both seem to love each other so its worth fighting for. Good Luck

Answer 7

Its hard to move past something when you feel the trust has been broken. If nothing intimate happened there is really nothing to get over other than the conversations.
You have to trust your husband and be confident that he only loves you. You get past it by viewing it as talking with his ex and nothing else. It doesn't matter what they were talking about....the fact is it clearly bothers you.

If you feel as though your trust in him is severly lacking because of this I would consider marriage counseling.

Answer 8

BTDT. It sucks.

I once heard someone say that the wronged party gets as long to recover as the cheater took to have the affair.

But you know what I learned? I had to forgive both of them. It took a long time. But it was unbelievable the load that lifted when I was finally able to say the words "I forgive you" and really mean it. It's not an easy thing to do, but it was the best decision I ever made. I had to pray about it constantly, but eventually I was able to forgive.

Answer 9

i think u should talk 2 ur husband face to face seriously. N also try 2 trust him again altho its hardy i think i kno how u feel da same thing happend 2 me.I think u guys should also look in da bible about what love is n how a marriage should work because only god KNows everything.in 1cor.13:4-14 says all things dat love is suppose 2 be hopefully dat works.n dont worry trust is a very important thing n a very hard thing 2 reconstruct,but dont worry with GOD,Time,and faith everything will fall into place.

Answer 10

Well, I think the main problem is that it really hurt you. For most of us women, emotional cheating is just that . . . cheating. I don't blame you at all, and you should take it very slow in trusting him again. I really can' tell you have to move past it, I can only in courage you to put yourself first and protect yourself. Good Luck!